refugees
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World
“Refugees are going to take my job,” claims unemployed man
Local man Gareth Jones has voiced his outrage in his local pub that “Refugees are going to take my job. That’s it for me my careers well and truly done.” Jones had been talking about becoming an architect for several decades now, but has decided instead to double down on his current occupation of yelling…
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National
Census reveals Dutton answered ‘amphibian’ to question on gender
Hackers last night released Peter Dutton’s Census answers, which revealed that he answered “Cold-Blooded Amphibian” to a question regarding his gender. Several complementary sources have already come forward confirming that he is of Amphibian origin. One insider said that Mr Dutton “keeps a large blow up pool in his office at all times and he’s sometimes seen…
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National
Turnbull nominates Abbott for UN Secretary-General
In the wake of his rejection of Kevin Rudd’s bid for the role of UN Secretary General, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull has made the surprise decision to instead nominate Tony Abbott. “If I’m going to give a cushy foreign position to a divisive ex-PM who people think is a dick, it might as well be…