USA earns millionth gold medal in Paris! (*reports US media)

The Insecure States of America are today celebrating their millionth gold medal won at the Paris Olympics after reading the latest medal tally published in The New York Times.

US media are reporting that America has secured gold in every event that has taken place, every event still to take place and several thousand others that aren’t even scheduled.

However, American media outlets have denied any pro-US bias or inaccurate reporting in their Olympic coverage saying they are simply proud of their champion American athletes like Mollie O’Callaghan and Jess Fox.

One American who managed to access the real Olympic Medal Table on the dark web was shocked to find the US outside the top five and behind countries he’d never heard of like “Korea”, “France” and “Australia.”

“Maybe our sporting prowess isn’t the best but at least we can hang our hats on our politicians being the envy of the world. USA! USA!”