After another drubbing on the weekend, AFL officials have corralled the West Coast Eagles players behind a privacy screen to put them out of their misery.
Lovingly constructed by their match day cheer squad from crepe paper and sticky tape, the privacy screen displayed a simple, encouraging message of finality: “Enough’s enough.” Once in place, AFL Commissioner Gillon McLachlan, a leader never afraid to get his hands dirty, told the press, “The torture has to end,” before donning a black hood and stepping behind the shield.
The crowing Adelaide supporters singing “We’re the pride of South Australia” drowned out the sound of eighteen individual shotgun blasts which thankfully put an end to the Eagles’ season, the potential for future nightclub incidents or racist slurs, and having to hear ad nauseum about their one-point 2006 grand final win over the Swans.
It was later revealed that AFL integrity officials quashed initial plans to euthanise by lethal injection as they feared using needles would just remind too many diehards of the good old days.
At the post-putting down media conference, head coach Adam Simpson struggled to find answers stating, “I feel Ben Cousins is to blame.”
Fittingly, the West Coast Eagles’ remains are to be scattered across Subiaco Oval, another forgotten relic of Western Australian AFL history. The green curtain was reportedly rolled up and sent on its way to North Melbourne.