The Chaser Weakly
What if we just don’t talk about abortions?
Issue #299
• Posted
This newsletter is brought to you by the National Party. If you see a worse policy, we’ll beat it by 10% worse.

Hi there,
At the QLD LNP, we understand that there’s some concern about abortion rights if we get into office. So we want to address the concerns by telling you all to simply stop thinking about abortion rights.
There are many non-criminalising abortion related topics we can talk about and judging by our polling in the last two weeks compared to the previous two years, you all seemed much happier back when we just ignored the issue.
How about we put your mind at ease about whether we will put people in jail for accessing an abortion, and instead talk about something else, like healthcare? Wait no not healthcare… that’s still a bit too abortiony.
Let’s talk about school policy. Labor and the loony Greens want to introduce free lunches for children who can’t afford food. But as the party of sensibility we promise that when we force you to have kids, we will make sure those kids go hungry.
Kids are far too soft these days anyway. They act like they are going to die if they can’t access their iPad or food.
Hunger builds character. Plus they can’t muck around in class if they don’t have the energy too.
Also let’s not forget about crime. While the woke police, and the regular police, may claim the scary youth crime wave “isn’t real”; we all know it definitely is because Channel 7 and News Corp told us it is.
We want to run an efficient government, that is why for now on when we force an underprivileged person to have a child they are not ready for, we will make them do it in jail so we can lock the baby up straight away.
While many of you may still want to hear confirmation on whether we will ban abortions like the reports say we will, we want to make it clear when we say ‘I don’t know, maybe, who’s to say?’.
But for now, let’s terminate all mentions of abortion rights while it’s legal to do so, and get back to doing what Queenslanders love: making the lives of children hell.
Remember, the best way to avoid stress from our policies is to vote without thinking about it.
Yours,
David Crisafulli
Leader of the Queensland Liberal Party