The Chaser’s Guide to not being ‘Woke’

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Dear Readers,

Are you too woke? Concerned that you may accidentally be woke because of something you said? You need to keep up to date to make sure you don’t become part of the increasingly massive woke brigade!

With everyone from Anthony Albanese to Peter Dutton declaring themselves to be “anti-woke”, it’s clearly the hip thing to be.

However, many readers have expressed concern that it’s hard to keep up with what is woke nowadays. So here is a simple list of 85 things to avoid in order to stop ‘woke cancel culture’ for good:

• The Greens
• The Labor Party
• The Young Liberals
• King Charles
• The ABC
• GTA 6
• Pronouns
• Gen Z
• Protesting
• Co-ed schools
• Academia
• Australian Universities
• American Universities
• VCE exams
• Sex ed
• Tampon companies
• Medical code of conduct
• Firefighters
• Police
• The Australian Defence Force
• New Years Eve Fireworks
• Bambi
• The Wiggles
• Cocomelon
• Cashless purchases
• Legal challenges against gas pipelines going through cultural heritage sites
• The Barbie Movie
• Not whipping horses
• The Australian Open allowing fans to move between points
• The AFL
• The NFL
• The NRL
• The NBA
• Cricket Australia
• ESPN
• The existence of female sports commentators
• Pat Cummins
• Meghan Markle
• Abbie Chatfield
• Rachel Zegler
• Megan Rapinoe
• Channing Tatum
• Justin Trudeau
• The View
• Saturday Night Live
• Doctor Who
• The Simpsons
• Froot Loops
• Chick-Fil-A
• McDonalds
• Ben and Jerry’s ice cream
• Skittles
• ‘Unsexy’ M&Ms
• Qantas
• Apple
• Drag Queens
• Disney
• Marvel
• Adidas
• Nike
• Rip Curl
• Miller Lite
• Bud Light
• ‘Severe Heat Wave’ alerts
• Taxing giant American cars
• Coles
• Woolworths
• Aldi
• Target
• Big W
• Kmart
• Adobe
• Google
• Meta
• Xbox
• The Church of England
• The Catholic Church
• Companies not running how the Wolf of Wall Street ran his
• Being anti-nuclear
• Books with leads who are not cis straight white able-bodied men
• Short hair
• Sports Illustrated
• Playboy
• Not staring at big boobs
• Human Rights Commissioners

So if you want to ‘embrace common sense’ by being ‘anti-woke cancel culture’ as the media suggests, just avoid all those things and enjoy whatever is left (although you should probably search to find out if what you are doing is woke, but also remember that search engines are woke so you can’t use those to find out).

Yours,

John Delmenico
Editor of The Chaser

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