Dutton’s tips for Cyclone preparation 

Hello fellow Australians,

It is I, Peter Dutton here to give advice to those scared about Cyclone Alfred, including people in my electorate of Dickson, which I’ve been told is getting quite dangerous to be in.

My demand for the Albanese government to close the border to this foreign threat was sadly ignored, so now your families are being affected… I mean our families… I’m definitely still here too.

Anyway here are my tips for staying safe:

Bunker down indoors, preferably in a mansion.

The smartest thing to do right now is bunker down in a safe, secure mansion. While a humble chateau or manor may feel secure, you are only really safe in a billionaire’s mansion, preferably one located in a different state.

Invest in Cyclones

While many may say the most important purchases right now are things like back up water or non-perishable foods; purchasing that sort of thing is for the servants.

Instead us regular Aussies should get in and invest in cyclones today, because I have a gut feeling that coincidentally they will hit big tomorrow. Other investment ideas include sand bags and property developers who will be hired to fix the destroyed homes.

Find high ground in a private jet

While there is still time to escape, I suggest calling up a billionaire and borrowing their private jet. Sure you may need to do them a favour once you become Prime Minister, but what a friends for?

Just make sure to keep the receipt for any staffers you bring with you, that way you can expense their trip onto the taxpayer so Gina can save a bit of cash.

If the power goes out, blame environmentalists

Sadly for many in the state, power will likely go out this weekend. While some woke science losers may blame the cyclone for this, clearly the real cause is green energy.

See, there is no sun during a cyclone, which means solar panels briefly wont generate new power and that’s why the power lines go down. This issue wouldn’t happen with coal, because coal fire stations are water proof obviously.

If your area is flooded, board the nearest mega yacht

In an emergency scenario, mega yachts are the way to go. The size and buoyancy of a mega yacht will help you remain safe and hopefully reduce rocking so you don’t spill your caviar.

If worst does come to worst and you are in a true nightmare scenario, you can consider settling for just a regular sized yacht that has wine that has only aged for 50 years. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Yours,

Peter Dutton

Member for Billionaires… I mean Dickson

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