Don’t touch my 563 negatively geared houses

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This week there have been rumours that Labor could one day maybe consider changing negative gearing in the future which, not to sound alarmist, would be the single worst thing that anyone has ever done.

As a mum and pop investor with a small portfolio of 563 houses, apartments and chateaus; I am selflessly concerned about the effects that damaging my bank account could have on others.

Owning 563 properties is expensive so if I have to actually pay for them myself, I may be forced to raise rents. Which I would simply hate to do, after all the times I’ve raised rents for fun.

I prefer to keep my hobbies like uncapped rent rises as a way to simply earn a few extra hundreds of thousands of dollars on the side. It would be such a shame to have to do that for work too.

Not only could rents rise, but if you take away negative gearing that could mean the end of all my rental properties. The houses would just cease to exist. 

Realistically speaking I predict that if I am no longer the owner of these houses some will crumble to the ground due to how little I repair them.

Other properties will fall deep into the earth and the rest devoured by demon lord Gorgolax: The House Eater.

If that happens, then where will these renters go? No one thought of that, did they?

While we don’t know for sure whether any of what I just said would actually happen if the government tweaked this disaster of a system, clearly it’s too scary a risk to take so we must make sure the government remains afraid to try anything.

Let’s be good neighbours and help protect renters by locking them out of the housing market forever.

Who knows, maybe if we fuck housing enough, we can procreate with the properties and make little house babies that we can also rent out.

Yours,

John Delmenico

Editor of The Chaser

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