The Chaser Weakly
Announcing The Chaser’s plan for a nuclear power fast train by 2035
Issue #281
• Posted
This newsletter is brought to you by pre-election promises. Vote for us and we will consider granting you a magic wish!
Today is a historic day for the future of this great nation.
We at The Chaser Party are excited to announce what many in the media refer to as ‘the ultimate pre-election promise’. That’s right, a Nuclear Fast Train.
But this isn’t just a fast train run on nuclear energy. No, this state of the art technology will be a fully functioning nuclear reactor that powers whatever city it has stopped at.
While buzzkill naysaying ‘experts in the field’ might claim that the technology “does not exist yet”, we say “yeah well we don’t live in the times of yet, yet, so we should invest now for when it does exist. Dummies.”
The plan is to build a high speed train that connects the east of Australia with each stop being located in the hearts of the city centres. We are talking about one big track from Brisbane to Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne and of course Hobart.
That’s right, it will be going to Tasmania too. But in order to save your taxpayer money we won’t be doing this with a boring bridge like the olden days, instead we will simply make it so fast that the train can go up a ramp and fly across the Tasman strait, a bit like when Evil Knievel jumps across the Grand Canyon on a motorbike. The service will run every fifteen minutes.
As you may have noticed Adelaide, Darwin and Perth are not going to be connected to the train. That is purely due to logistical issues caused by their government’s responding to our idea by saying, “are you fucking insane?”
By connecting the nuclear plant high speed train directly to power lines in the city centres, we can both reduce the cost of electricity a little bit, and drastically reduce the cost of housing in the city. Sounds like a win win to me.
While you may have questions like ‘how much will this cost?’, ‘how could you possibly have that going in just ten years?’ and ‘what actual planning have you done besides spitballing the idea?’; we would prefer if you held off until after the election before getting bogged down in those minute details.
Plus, if you get in on this once in a lifetime exclusive election offer early, we will throw in free magic beans for you and your family.
Remember if you don’t know, vote The Chaser Party.
Yours,
John Delmenico
The Chaser Party, NSW Sydney