How will the lockdown affect me? We answer all your questions that we’ve just made up

With strict new “Stage 3” lockdown laws now in place, there is a lot of confusion about what “Don’t Go Outside” means. The Chaser has compiled this informative guide to answer some of your questions that we’ve made up, about the new restrictions.

EXERCISE

QUESTION: I understand that I’m allowed to leave my house for exercise. But how hard do I have to exercise for it to be legally defined as “exercise”?

ANSWER: Under the law, you can’t just go outside for the bullshit exercise that you normally try to pass off as a workout. The following guidelines have been issued by the police, and must be adhered to at all times:

PUSH-UPS: if you give up after 4 or fewer push-ups, that is not considered exercise and you can be fined $1000
SQUATS: Thighs must be properly crunched to count as exercise. If you start negotiating with yourself halfway through your routine about the number you committed to, then you can be issued a $500 on the spot fine.
SIT-UPS: If you really think that slightly moving your head in an upwards direction without even clenching your stomach muscles should be considered a sit-up, frankly I don’t know why we’re even bothering. 3 months in jail.
LUNGES: In NSW and Victoria, lunges are only considered valid if you can show the police officer that you’re lifting off your front leg like you’re supposed to. Other states are more lenient, though there is a strict nation-wide minimum of six lunges per set.
JOGGING: if your “jog” is under 5km/h and/or looks more like a waddle than a proper jog, then under the order you are not exercising, you are just pretending. Fine: Up to $16,000 or six months in boot camp.
POO-JOGGING: Poo-Jogging is only considered exercise in Queensland, Northern Territory and the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney.