Missing radioactive capsule is nothing to worry about, says mining executive wearing full-body hazmat suit

In a move to calm the public’s fears, an executive from mining company Rio Tinto emerged from the local search area today donning a full-body hazmat suit to address the recent loss of a radioactive capsule that fell off a truck while transporting it from a mine.

The capsule’s radiation at one metre is the equivalent of 10 X-Rays per hour.

“I want to assure everyone that there is absolutely nothing to worry about,” the executive stated, speaking from inside a lead-lined shipping container in an underground bunker while guzzling bottles of iodine pills. “The fact that all my family have gone overseas until further notice is pure coincidence. There is no need to panic.”

The truckie who was transporting the capsule has declined to comment, but sources say he was “mortified” by the event, and will be buried in a lead coffin on Thursday.

Despite the executive’s reassurances, local residents remain skeptical and many have taken to stocking up on Geiger counters and toilet paper.

“I don’t care what they say, I’m not taking any chances,” stated local resident, Susan Brown. “Every time there’s a panic, everyone buys toilet paper. I’m not getting caught again.”

Meanwhile, ravers have flocked to the area, after hearing the 8mm by 6mm capsule was particularly strong. “I’ve heard it delivers, like, a 19-gigabecquerel rush. I want to get my hands on some of this caesium 137. I’ve heard it’s one of the hottest caps out there.”

The Rio Tinto executive said it was somewhere in a vast stretch of the West Australian outback, but it was “highly unlikely” it would affect any local Indigenous sacred sites, as the company had already blown most of them up.

Meanwhile there have been multiple sightings of massive, hideous creature lurking around mining sites. However, experts have dismissed the idea that is a radioactive monster, saying it is probably just Clive Palmer.

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