The federal government who constantly tells everyone there is simply no way for them to find any money for raising JobSeeker recipients out of poverty, has suddenly found a spare $840m to give to mining billionaire Gina Rinehart to raise her out of needing to pay for her own mine.

“Good governance is about priorities,” said Anthony Albanese while wiping caviar off his face, “what people need to understand is that there is no magical pool of money for us to do things like assist renters or fully fund the NDIS. Well not without hurting the billionaires who need it most.”

“A Liberal Party government would have just handed over the money, where as we have said we would like some of it back at some point, please…Totally cool if not.”

“And that is how I fight these rich tories who spend millions to spread disinformation whenever I consider a progressive policy, sometimes I don’t even kiss their ring, I just polish it for them. That is what a Labor government does best.”

“This is an extra emotional deal for me, see growing up my mum never got the chance to give a billionaire $840 million of taxpayer money for a new mine. But now I have the opportunity to.”