Dutton assumes Victorians are too scared to go out after no one wants to grab coffee with him

Leader of Election Fumbling, Peter Dutton has once again announced that all Victorians are scared of secret gangs, in a bid to win back people’s trust with some of the fear campaigns that led people to hate him.

Dutton said he realised that despite what experts and the police say, there has to be secret gangs stopping Victorians from leaving the house because no one in the state wanted to grab a coffee with him while he was in town.

“Someone needs to do something about this,” said Peter walking through the Melbourne CBD,”all the cafe’s closed, same as the 7/11’s and the pizza places. The moment I walk up to a store their doors close and hide.”

“Clearly the secret gangs are following me around!”