Prime Minister and man of the people Scott Morrison has today reiterated his claim that if Labor wins the election, petrol prices will go up from whatever the hell they’re currently at.

“This election is all about the cost of living and trust me nobody knows more than me how the costs of household staples like on-call personal photographers, media advisors and empathy consultants eat into one’s budget,” a compassionate Scott Morrison said. “Thankfully, the taxpayers cover all that for me, but I’d imagine they’re extremely pricey for the average punter.”

The PM is yet to explain exactly how a Labor Government will cause petrol prices to rise but he’s also pretty sure that under Labor they’ll be more overcast days and we’ll lose the next Ashes series. “I bet you Albo won’t even turn up to the cricket,” warned Morrison. “He’s not a man of the people like me, I bet he’ll probably spend all day as PM sitting in his high tower ‘dealing with disasters’ and ‘running the country’. What a snob.”