Local shoplifter claims he was just trying to balance his trade deficit with Coles

Local man Don has told shopping centre security that he did not attack Coles by stealing an entire shopping cart full of groceries, claiming that he was simply balancing a trade deficit.

The thief announced a sweeping plan to steal 10% of all items from every store, which he claimed will help bring down the heavily inflated prices of groceries.

“This is reciprocal theft,” said Don, “Coles sell me the items but never buy my items back, it’s so unfair. Now I will take them back.”

Don went on to say that he plans to continue this crime wave by taking fish out of the mouths of any penguins he sees until they start paying him in fish.