Jesus struggling to rise again due to rubble and debris

Carpenter and world’s first influencer Jesus Christ has confirmed he may miss his annual Easter Sunday miracle due the build up of about 6 months worth of debris from constant bombardment blocking the exit to his cave.

“What in Dads name is going on here,” he said after pushing the bolder out of the way only to see the debris, “how on earth am I meant to get out of here now? Sure I can come back to life, but moving all the devastation in this region… I’m not that much of a miracle worker.” 

Israeli officials have responded to criticism of this blockage by claiming to have intel that Hamas may have a secret base inside Jesus’ Cave.

“There was someone living in that cave and locals say it’s a place of importance. That’s the sort of intel we need to have a pretty good hunch that Hamas is there and that the cave needs to wiped off the face of the earth.”

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