While many Australians are worried by plans to introduce more fossil fuel power plants over concerns it could kill our entire species, the Energy Minister Angus Taylor has expressed a more pressing concern that his plans could alienate his mates over at the coal lobby.
Experts have expressed surprise that a government in the pocket of the gas industry would announce a policy that gave more money to the gas industry. But they said it could cause a rift between them and coal magnates.
We sat down with Energy Minister and poshest douche to ever try pretend to give a shit about country folk, Angus Taylor to find out his reasoning around the controversial decision many are labelling “really fucking stupid”:
“It was a tough decision to make but I feel we have made the right one,” said the real-life Bond villain. “We know this might be a polarising decision but ultimately we had to do what we thought was best. When we asked scientists whether we should go for coal or gas power, once they shut up about their whole ‘renewable’ nonsense, we quickly realised that gas had to be the way to go. They described it as an ‘outdated and ineffective fossil-based power system funded by the rich that is full of hot air, which may offer a short-term solution to a problem but will be far worse for Australia in the long run and only serve to help the rich”, which is exactly how they describe the LNP and our policies! So, we knew we had to go for it.”
In response to the announcement, renewable energy researchers have announced plans to begin research into a solution that could bring in renewable energy with this government in charge, “We have decided to see if we could possibly find a way to harness the energy released by forests, wildlife houses when they are burning down during the bushfire season. Maybe we could even get some investment from the government for once, since our solution still involves stuff burning up releasing CO2 and probably won’t hurt the back pocket of their rich mates.”
Opposition Leader and guy who makes ‘dudes who claim they are a dj’ somehow even less cool, Anthony Albanese has reportedly begun drafting a speech to not really say anything about the Government’s proposal to destroy the planet. “We don’t want to take a side on this particular issue,” said one Labor insider. “Who knows, maybe destroying the entire planet polls well in the outer suburbs. We can’t risk saving the planet if it goes against the polls.”