General News

[Edition 43] BURWOOD, Monday: The season finale of Dawson’s Creek last night left a record eighteen unresolved plot points. The previous record was held by the 1995 season finale of Party of Five when character Julie Salinger (played by Neve Campbell) alone recorded thirteen personal crises of conscience in the final seven minutes of the…

[Edition 43] GLEBE, Thursday: A marxist-feminist activist has discovered a gaping hole in the lucrative left-wing publications market.

[Edition 38] Hollywood mourns one of its own today, as controversial actor, Robert Downey Jnr was pronounced DOA at a New York City hospital, following a suspected massive deliberate drug overdose. His death is the subject of rife speculation that he may have been a victim of the so-called “Flockhart Syndrome”.

[Edition 38] HOBART, Friday: A lonely Hobart man said he was excited yesterday to receive an email in his Hotmail account. The unpopular man, who has held the account for more than four years, said he’s never received an email before, and was caught completely off guard by its arrival.

[Edition 35] SYDNEY, Sunday: The film-literate tenants of a Surry Hills terrace have agreed to remove the “Reservoir Dogs” movie poster from their lounge room. The household, comprised mainly of Communications students, reached a consensus that Quentin Tarantino no longer carries the cachet he once did.

[Edition 35] MELBOURNE, Wednesday: Several smokers’ groups have announced that they will launch lawsuits against passive smokers who seek worker’s compensation claims. The smoking groups will seek compensation from those who are found to have benefited from passive smoking without paying for cigarettes. Bar workers who can not show that their own cigarette purchases caused…

[Edition 35] CANBERRA, Sunday: The competition regulator, the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) has struck out at a “cosy cartel” within Australia’s lucrative illegal drugs market, worth an estimated $20 billion annually. The Commission initiated court proceedings against nine Sydney ecstasy dealers cited for restrictive trade practices including price-fixing, illegal market-sharing arrangements and resale…

[Edition 34] LOS ANGELES, Wednesday: Companies have denied that they are being affected by cyber squatters and the diminishing number of domain names. At the launch of the site’s advertising campaign, the web designer for www.columbiatristar.com denied that they had been forced to adopt a stupidly long web address.