General News

[Edition 49] GOLD COAST, Friday: Organisers of the Big Day Out music festival have expressed their sorrow to the parents of a teenage girl, who tragically lived through the entire 40-minute set of the washed-up guitar band Ratcat.

[Edition 46] HOBART, Monday: A leaked memo from a senior member of the Greens reveals the party is unconfident of winning government on November 10. The memo exposes massive self-doubt in the Greens ranks about the viability of seizing power.

[Edition 45] KABUL, Thursday: The first signs of US retaliation were spotted in the Afghanistan capital of Kabul this morning, when a fresh print of a new Adam Sander film was presented for widespread release.

A “small incident in New York” distracted the local press.

[Edition 45] NEW YORK, Wednesday: A presenter on CNN has managed to pad for nearly 20 hours straight, during the network’s coverage of the World Trade Center disaster.

[Edition 45] SYDNEY, Tuesday: Residents in the Sydney suburb of Newtown were shocked this week after local Michael Fowler bought a take away dinner from the Newtown North Indian Diner and selected three dishes (two meat and one veg) without opting for butter chicken.

[Edition 45] CHRISTMAS ISLAND, Friday: The 460 asylum seekers on board the Tampa freight vessel have demanded to be taken back to their oppressive homelands, which they now realise aren’t nearly as hostile as Australia.

[Edition 45] The ranks of talent at Channel 10 became even more severely depleted this week after the sad death of one of its relatively popular presenters, Ms Sandra Sully. The long-serving network anchor passed away in tragic circumstances in Ten’s Sydney studio just minutes before she was supposed to present the Late News.