General News Archive

Members of the Royal Family have reacted to the Queen’s decision not to attend the Charles/Camilla wedding, primarily with envy. “Her Majesty will be unable to attend the ceremony due to an unfortunate scheduling conflict,” a spokesman said. “Her attendance would conflict with her strong desire to snub Camilla.”

[Edition 89] A spokesman denied that the latest incidents indicate a pattern of prisoner abuse by Coalition troops. “This is merely the thirty-seventh exception that proves the rule,” he said.

[Edition 89] “This split has staggered me,” one Hollywood insider said. “Not about Jennifer and Brad – they were obviously on the rocks – but I thought NW and maliciously wild gossip would be together forever. It seems you can’t rely on anyone these days.”

[Edition 89] Foreign Minister Alexander Downer has responded to the possible seizure of Australian hostages by Islamic terrorists by sending hostage negotiators to Baghdad to carry out the government’s policy of not negotiating with terrorists.

[Edition 87] Michael Moore says that he has put the media storm surrounding Fahrenheit 9/11 behind him, and is already working hard on the media storm surrounding his follow-up movie, which has the working title Preaching To The Converted IV.

[Edition 82] The Academy’s members declined to recognize the Rob Schneider film, which centres on a sleazy loser who is transported into the body of a high school hottie, as one of the year’s better pictures even after receiving personalized DVD copies of the film, along with a novelty strap-on pair of oversized breasts emblazoned…

[Edition 82] In the wake of Atkins’ example, many of his devoted followers are committing suicide in a bid to shed unwanted flab. “Taking my own life seemed stupid at first,” admitted one follower. “But it’s really no stupider than expecting to lose weight by eating KFC, soft cheeses and bacon all day. So what…

[Edition 80] WASHINGTON D.C., Wednesday: George Bush will set up a Presidential Commission to investigate the decision to go to war against Iraq, and establish who he can blame for it during this year’s election. Yesterday, the US admitted it may never have gone to war if it had known those in the intelligence community…