Trump loses interest in Greenland after discovering not all islands are like Epstein’s

US President and self-declared President of the Galaxy, Donald Trump has announced that he no longer has any interest in Greenland after learning the island nation is run very differently to his favourite holiday destination: Jeffery Epstein’s island.

“It’s been so hard since Jeff’s passing,” said Trump, “so when I heard there is an even bigger Island sitting there for us to take I was thrilled to relive the glory days. But my advisors told me Greenland doesn’t allow those kinds of parties and I said, well then what’s the point in even going?”

“You know, this whole thing has been very confusing for me. People kept saying that Greenland didn’t want to be grabbed, as if that matters. When you’re famous, you can grab islands, they just let you.”

“I was so ready for Greenland too, I told the CIA to even begin work redacting any document that mentions what me or my friends ever mentioning the country.”