2004
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General News
Pro-family groups worried as gay divorce rates soar
Social conservatives opposed to gay unions have called on homosexuals experiencing marital difficulties to stay together in a bid to stem alarming increases in the rate of gay family breakdown. Anti-liberal group Focus on the Family today released research which shows that gay divorce rates have soared since the ban on gay marriage ended.
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General News
Lack of bottled water proves there’s intelligent life on Mars
[Edition 83] New data from NASA’s Mars Rover Spirit has found no signs that the red planet has an extortionately priced retail market for bottled water and flavoured water variants. “This is the best evidence yet that life on Mars has considerably superior intelligence to humankind”, said NASA Director Stephen Peters.
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General News
33rd coup lucky, says new Haitian leader
[Edition 83] Temporary Haitian leader Yvon Neptune has dismissed speculation that the ousting of President Aristide will further plunge the troubled nation into unrest. “Maybe I’m a little biased, but I’ve just got a good feeling about this coup” said the new leader. “There’s a real buzz in the air, and only part of it…
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General News
Bush finally accounts for lost time in National Guard: “I was drunk and high”
[Edition 82] President Bush has denied going AWOL from the National Guard, and has instead revealed that he spent six months in 1972 on an unrelenting drug and alcohol bender. “I have previously been unable to give verification of my whereabouts during this time. And that’s because I was so off my dial, I don’t…
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General News Archive
Vigorous Oscar campaign nets ‘The Hot Chick’ zero nominations
[Edition 82] The Academy’s members declined to recognize the Rob Schneider film, which centres on a sleazy loser who is transported into the body of a high school hottie, as one of the year’s better pictures even after receiving personalized DVD copies of the film, along with a novelty strap-on pair of oversized breasts emblazoned…
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General News Archive
Atkins confounds critics: loses 10 kg in 7 days after death
[Edition 82] In the wake of Atkins’ example, many of his devoted followers are committing suicide in a bid to shed unwanted flab. “Taking my own life seemed stupid at first,” admitted one follower. “But it’s really no stupider than expecting to lose weight by eating KFC, soft cheeses and bacon all day. So what…
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General News Archive
BUSH STARTS WEAPONS INQUIRY: “Who supplied the faulty intelligence I asked for?”
[Edition 80] WASHINGTON D.C., Wednesday: George Bush will set up a Presidential Commission to investigate the decision to go to war against Iraq, and establish who he can blame for it during this year’s election. Yesterday, the US admitted it may never have gone to war if it had known those in the intelligence community…
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General News
Conspiracy theorist thinks failure of Beagle 2 was staged
[Edition 80] “There’s no way something like that could happen,” scoffed leading UFOlogist Warren Murst. “The British are just so desperate to prove the inferiority of their space program, they faked this failure before NASA even had a chance to stuff up their Mars mission.”