RFK Jr vows to make all American hands smaller than their faces to avoid cancer risk

World renowned medical expert Robert F Kennedy Jr has made a vow to all Americans to make their hands smaller to avoid the risk of cancer.

“I’ve spoken to many of the best medical experts I know,” he said in a rousing speech, “and have come to the conclusion that we must act fast.”

“Every day I walk into the FDA they tell me that if my hand is bigger than my face, I’ll get cancer. Then I check and somehow my hand hits my face, distracting me from knowing if I will get cancer.”

“While we haven’t fully figured out the plan to handle this, we do assume it will work with some sort of laser beam. Either shrinking the size of our hands, or making our heads really big.”

“Hopefully one day, we can all have the hand to head size ratio of the healthiest man in the country, President Donald Trump.”