‘If only my flight had been cancelled’, Wagner boss regrets not flying Jetstar

Military-for-hire, Wagner Group have been left devastated from the loss of their boss following a plane crash just weeks after he’s attempt military coup of Russia. In response, representatives for the company have expressed regret for his passing, saying if they had just booked Jetstar the flight would have never even taken off in the first place.

“Weeks of avoiding windows all gone to waste,” said the now former boss as his plane went down, “I did everything I could to avoid dying, but now in hindsight I see I should have prepared properly for my trip by booking Jetstar, where my flight probably would have been cancelled and I would be safe waiting for hours in the customer service line.”

“And in the extremely rare chance that the flight wouldn’t be cancelled, it would be so delayed that it would be impossible to time a ‘non-suspicious death’ attempt.”

“Plus, their planes are impossible to sabotage since whatever you use to sabotage it would be lost in transit and end up sabotaging the wrong flight.”