Intro voice: In times like that, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.
Dom Knight: Hello and welcome to The Chaser Report in a week when America decided one terrible crisis wasn’t enough. And it became even more clear that 2020 is being scripted by the writers of Game of Thrones.
Dom Knight: In this episode and Andrew Hansen, Charles Firth and me, Dom Knight. But there was one piece of good news, guys. Pubs reopened in some parts of the country, right when we needed them the most. Charles, how did you celebrate The Local opening its doors?
Charles Firth: Well, the problem is I’m so hung over from about two months worth of continuously drinking every night that I went to the pub, but I just had to drink water. I couldn’t stand the idea of having a beer. Just to hung over.
Dom Knight: I went down to my local and … It’s different. They take your name at the door. And you’ve got to show them all your phone and all that. I sat by myself at a table having a meal and not talking to anyone. So it’s like every time I go to the pub.
Charles Firth: Perfect! I’ll tell you what, it’s not very good them taking your name at the door though, because I’m banned from most of the pubs in my area. And I usually dress up in a fake mustache and some glasses and things like that.
Dom Knight: I saw some signs, actually, “No Firth’s allowed.” That must be was. It was in today’s episode we’re going to dive into Donald Trump’s bizarre Bible stunt. I mean the American race riots. We’re going to check out the latest round of nauseating celebrity videos for “”Isolebrity”. I’m going to leave this awful week behind to take a look at the future. And it’s a future made-up entirely of crappy Bluetooth devices. But first, as ever, let’s check in with Rebecca de Unamuno in The Chaser International, global, world newsroom, international.
Rebecca de Unamuno: Facing a national crisis, US President Donald Trump has headed off for a quick holiday in Hawaii. The decision came shortly after a call with Prime Minister Scott Morrison, who also pointed out that Melania really needs a break.
Rebecca de Unamuno: Iraq has launched a full scale invasion of the United States in a bid to bring democracy to America. Iraq’s government says this is a joyous time for America’s people who will finally be liberated from their oppressive rulers. The rogue state of USA has witnessed violent clashes between civilians and the military, and is rumored to have stockpiles of weapons of mass destruction.
Rebecca de Unamuno: Meanwhile, Mexico has suddenly agreed to pay for a border wall between itself and the US. The Mexican president said he fears an influx of illegal American immigrants in search of a better life. That’s The Chaser Report headlines. News you can’t trust.
Dom Knight: Thank you. By the way, we are eight eps into the new podcast. Are you enjoying reading the news for us?
Rebecca de Unamuno: No, I’m only doing this because I missed the job-seeker deadline.
Dom Knight: Right?
Sponsor message: The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible, guaranteed tear gas and rubber bullet-proof.
Dom Knight: Now, Charles and Andrew, in the aftermath of George Floyd’s murder by Minneapolis police officer, huge protests, as we all know, broken out across the US. And indeed across the world, there have been riots as well. Police have driven their cars into crowds. It’s been a very intense week. Most presidents would try and find a way to calm things down, bring the country together, unite. Donald Trump, not so much. He’s wanted to play tough guy throughout all of this. And as things are particularly heated, there were protests right outside the White House. He said, this:
Donald Trump: I am your president of law and order.
Dom Knight: What do you think that means?
Andrew Hansen: Knowing Trump, he’s probably watched an awful lot of the TV show Law & Order. And so much that he’s the president of the Law & Order fan club.
Charles Firth: Oh, yeah. I think he probably actually thinks he’s in an episode of Law & Order. I think that is literally the best explanation I’ve heard so far, Andrew. That’s brilliant.
Andrew Hansen: Well, it makes more sense than him still being in The Apprentice, because his apprenticeship is not going well. He would have been fired by now.
Charles Firth: I must tell you, I do think that Trump lies about everything, right? So if he says he’s the president of Law & Order, then it must, just by virtue of the fact that he’s always lying, mean that he’s the president of Unlawfulness & Disorder, which definitely is true, isn’t it? It makes things worse.
Dom Knight: That is a very good explanation. But look, the strange thing is … And this bears out your theory, Charles. Right as he was saying this and CNN cut this together in a report that I watched … Just as he was saying this, literally you could hear the protesters in the park, outside Lafayette Park, conducting illegal protest. They were being moved out and tear gassed at the same time as he was saying, he was the president of law and order. Nobody could understand why this was happening. It was all a mystery.
Dom Knight: But then in the Rose Garden, the president made it very clear as per CNN’s Dana Bash:
Dana Bash: The reason peaceful protesters were forcibly moved became more clear. To make way for the president to stage a photo op.
Donald Trump: Now I’m going to pay my respects to a very special place. Thank you very much.
Dom Knight: A very special place. Where would you think he meant? Just hearing that live?
Andrew Hansen: I think it’s [Macca’s 00:05:16], isn’t it? He’s paying his respects of the shrine of Ronald.
Dom Knight: Yes, so I would have imagined the president going out in a tank for the drive-thru. That would have been a great visual. And because he heard that they had parties with free cake. [inaudible 00:05:27] for birthdays.
Charles Firth: The problem is that the Hollywood strip where all the stars are, that that would be he’s very special place, wouldn’t it?
Dom Knight: Yeah, maybe.
Charles Firth: That’s his most cherished thing. So maybe he was just heading out there. I don’t know.
Andrew Hansen: Yeah. Is golf courses or a golf course right next to the White House?
Dom Knight: Not far away, actually. Mm (affirmative) Very sacred. No, here’s Dana with more:
Dana Bash: Destination, historic St. John’s Church, where presidents have prayed since James Madison. The image holding up a Bible in front of that church was what he wanted to convey.
Dom Knight: So, Donald Trump holding up a Bible outside this historic church. One important detail here. Many reports have confirmed this. He was holding it upside down and backwards. What does that convey?
Charles Firth: Well, maybe it was a Qur’an, because don’t they read their books backwards?
Dom Knight: From right to left [crosstalk 00:06:27].
Andrew Hansen: Well, it’s not backwards to them, Charles. If you’re reading Arabic, it’s forwards.
Charles Firth: Is it deeply offensive? Am I going to cause a-
Andrew Hansen: Yes! I think you are! [crosstalk 00:06:36]
Dom Knight: It is impressive that someone else has managed to match Trump’s level of insensitivity. Well done, Charles!
Andrew Hansen: Yes! Looks, Charles. Our books are backwards to people who read Arabic, I think. Isn’t that the case? Well, look, I don’t know.
Charles Firth: Well, maybe just an olive branch to Arabic speakers is saying maybe our Bible is almost as good as Muslim’s Bible or something.
Andrew Hansen: Yeah, or we can read books in either direction and it’s fine. We should all come together, read our books from front to back, or back to front. It doesn’t matter.
Dom Knight: Do you think it’s possible he doesn’t know how books work. Like he’s got this unfamiliar device-
Andrew Hansen: That is a possible, yes. Sadly, that is a very tangible possibility. I think. Either that or he’s a satanist. This is the other thing, is he might well be in an exorcist movie. I’m pretty sure that’s what happens there too, isn’t it? Upside-down crosses.
Dom Knight: What would the antichrist do? That’s true. Upside-down crosses is what satanists have.
Charles Firth: It’s funny, because I’m not Christian in any way, right? But that moment did actually make me pray. I was praying for him to be struck by lightning at that point.
Dom Knight: But look, the press were there for the photo op and some of them were a little bit skeptical about all of this. And they asked an obvious question. Now I’ve had to splice two different bits of audio together from two sources to hear the exchange. But I promise this is how it happened in real time.
Journalist: Is that your Bible?
Donald Trump: It’s a Bible.
Dom Knight: She didn’t believe him. “Is that your Bible?” “It’s a Bible.” Whose Bible do you think it was? Where did that mysterious Bible come from?
Andrew Hansen: Oh, presumably a Russian prostitute. They’re well known for their Bible-bearing ways.
Charles Firth: Yeah, or it might’ve been a Barack Obama’s Bible that he left over. And then Trump got the prostitute to pee on it and then he held it up outside the church.
Andrew Hansen: Was the Bible suspiciously wet? Dom? I didn’t have a close look at the photo, but maybe that’s why it was upside down. He was trying to shake it out.
Dom Knight: I can’t say any dripping, but it turns out that the whole thing was masterminded by a political genius in the White House, Ivanka Trump. And she carried that Bible over to the church in her $1,500 Max Mara handbag. And, of course, she’s Jewish. Married to Jared Cushner, so it wasn’t her Bible. I reckon the only person in the West Wing with the Bible handy was Mike Pence. So I reckon it’s Mike’s Bible.
Dom Knight: One of the things I love about this story is that in order to do the photo op outside the church, they actually forcibly removed the clergy from the church, who were giving first aid to wounded protesters? I that’s what Jesus would have done, I think if he wanted a photo op.
Andrew Hansen: Oh look, this is showbiz, Dom. You’ve got to make safe. You’ve got to clear the set, if you’re going to make this film. And I’m sure Jesus would have done the same for the Sermon on the Mount. If he wanted the shots he would, would’ve got rid of all the riffraff.
Dom Knight: He did. Yeah. He sent in the Roman legionaries to go and clear everyone out. That’s what he did.
Charles Firth: You should have seen how they cleared the crowd when they’re shooting The Passion of the Christ. It was amazing! Brutal!
Dom Knight: They just got Mel Gibson out there ranting and everyone ran away. But then the story got even more bizarre. I don’t know if you’re saying the latest development. Because it emerged that the reason he did the Bible stunt was not to warn America that it was entering The Handmaid’s Tale. It wasn’t to try and restore calm. It was because he was upset that the press had criticized him for hiding in a bunker, back when the protests outside the White House got violent earlier in the week.
Dom Knight: And he wanted to project being a tough man. So he strided out into the streets, had them cleared, to try and project strength. Do you think he projected strength or maybe something else?
Charles Firth: Well, look to me, it looked like he was a mafia don. I don’t know. Did you see the photos of him walking at the front of this flank? And then there were about 15 men behind him. He just looked like he was trying to be some sort of mafia boss. I don’t know whether that’s strong or weak, but it’s certainly-
Andrew Hansen: Well, it’s strong. It’s strong, Charles. Look, I’m with you. I think he did look strong. Bible’s are thick. They’re very thick, heavy books. And to hold one up for as long as he did, I reckon he’s got some serious biceps going there.
Dom Knight: CNN’s Dana Bash picked up something else that this projected.
Dana Bash: Inviting up staff, all white, perhaps not part of the script he intended, but a stark visual, nonetheless.
Dom Knight: Quite Dana, quite. But, look, then it got even stranger, because the whole stunt with the Bible, didn’t manage to convince people that he was strong. The press was still being critical. So he went on Fox News radio and talked to a guy called Brian Kilmeade and he said this:
Donald Trump: I was there for a tiny, little short period of time. It was much more for an inspection.
Dom Knight: He said that he went down to the bunker for an inspection. Does that ring true to you guys?
Charles Firth: Oh, look, I’ve always cowered in my bunker for inspection reasons. When I’m really scared, I go and inspect my bunker for a few hours.
Andrew Hansen: Inspect it. Yeah. What are you inspecting down there? What do you inspect, Charles, when you go down to your bunker?
Dom Knight: It’s the porn stash. Surely it’s the White House porn-
Charles Firth: Get away from the wife. You know what it’s like!
Andrew Hansen: Surely he was inspecting the Bible in great depth, guys. That’s what he was doing.
Dom Knight: But look, even though, obviously, they’re allies, even the Fox presenter called bullshit on that explanation. Have a listen to Brian Kilmeade.
Brian Kilmeade: So you telling me Mr. President, they didn’t say to you, “You have to go downstairs. My responsibility is your welfare.” They didn’t limit you at all in The House?
Donald Trump: Nope. They didn’t tell me that at all. But they said it would be a good time to go down, take a look, because maybe sometime you’re going to need it.
Dom Knight: So either Trump is just lying or the Secret Service knows him so well that that said, “Oh, go down for an inspection.” So the idiot would actually go down there and be safe. What do you reckon?
Andrew Hansen: Well, I reckon they probably just found themselves in a room with Donald Trump and thought, “You know what? It would be much better if he was down in a bunker?”
Dom Knight: I just wish the Secret Service would tell him to resign, because you never know. He might need to, someday soon.
Charles Firth: Today’s Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. Don’t worry, you don’t have to read it.
Andrew Hansen: Now, Dommy and Charles, I’ve got a brand new set of wonderfully comforting celebrity isolation videos to make you guys feel better this week. Yes. I’ve been trawling through the videos and it’s time now to play the game that I like to call, “Isolebrity”.
Andrew Hansen: All right. First celebrity isolation video that I’d like to share with you … And the challenge, of course, is that you have to guess who the celebrity is just by listening to the sound of their voice. The first one comes from a famous musician in isolation. Here he is introducing a new song by his band.
Keith Richards: So let’s cut a long story short. We cut this track well over a year ago in LA, I believe. Yeah. For part of a new album … ongoing thing. And then shit hit the fan.
Andrew Hansen: So, Dommy, who is the musician speaking in that video?
Dom Knight: Oh, that’s hard. It sounds to me like the most grizzled, wizened, been-on-the-road-a-thousand-times person in the world. So, Keith Richards, I’m thinking.
Andrew Hansen: Hey Dommy Knight!
Dom Knight: Is that right?
Andrew Hansen: You’ve got it in one! Yes!
Charles Firth: Well done!
Andrew Hansen: Congratulations!
Dom Knight: I don’t know what Keith sounds like, but I know Johnny Depp based his character on him.
Andrew Hansen: Well, he sounds exactly Captain Jack, doesn’t he? The Johnny Depp impression is quite uncanny, isn’t it? Yeah, absolutely! It was Keith Richards and you’re quite right. It wasn’t Miley Cyrus or Justin Bieber.
Dom Knight: How is he still alive? Given Covid? What an extraordinary human being!
Andrew Hansen: I know! He can survive anything! He can survive literally anything at all. He’s probably had Covid nine times.
Charles Firth: My theory about him is that actually, you know how he used to experiment with a lot of drugs? I’m sure he still does, but that somehow he had an experimental dose of a drug that actually gives you eternal life. So he actually … he’s cured of death, forever.
Andrew Hansen: Yeah, or immunity to everything. If they want a vaccine, shouldn’t we just be pulling out some of Keith Richards’ blood and injecting it into us? [Crosstalk 00:15:02]
Charles Firth: Plasma!
Andrew Hansen: Yeah, get it into everyone. We’d be indestructible! Unbelievable! Well, look, I’d like to play some more of his video, because it’s so reassuring. He’s got this new song with the Rolling Stones. It’s called Living in a Ghost Town. And just keep an ear out for the interesting way at the end of this, in which Keith Richards asks us to stay safe.
Keith Richards: And Mick and I decided that this one really needed to go to work right now. And so here you have it, Living in a Ghost Town.
Speaker 10: Mm-hmm (affirmative).
Keith Richards: Say stafe.
Andrew Hansen: Do you feel better? Do you want to just hear that reassuring message at the end again? Can we just hear that again, Mike?
Keith Richards: Say stafe.
Andrew Hansen: Say stafe.
Charles Firth: Say stafe. Yeah.
Andrew Hansen: Very important to remember-
Charles Firth: It’s the drugs! It’s the experimental life-giving drugs.
Andrew Hansen: Keith from the Trolling Bones, then.
Charles Firth: He’s probably had so much of his blood taken from him that he seems a bit lightheaded.
Andrew Hansen: But it’s in the name of saying stafe! So, that’s okay.
Charles Firth: Yeah, that’s right. Exactly.
Andrew Hansen: All right. Next one. Got another celebrity isolation video. There’s a note. Going to a children’s musician now actually. From a Stone to a kid’s musician. Now, this is noteworthy kid’s entertainer has been posting some story time sessions in recent days. Lovely for your kids to watch. Here’s an excerpt from one of them. It’s a good story and a fascinating insight into this entertainer’s inability to say the letter ‘L’.
Peter Coombe: They pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled. And pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled. And, pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled!
Andrew Hansen: So, before we get to guessing the person guys … Which famous story, Charles, do you think that quote comes from? “They pulled and pulled and pulled and pulled?”
Charles Firth: Well, it must be Jack and the Ginormous Case of Diarrhea.
Andrew Hansen: Not a bad guess! No. That’s not the [crosstalk 00:17:05].
Dom Knight: Clarify. Was it, “pooled and pooled and pooed”? Or “pulled and pulled and pull”?
Andrew Hansen: Well, this is up to you to decipher, Dommy.
Dom Knight: It just made me think about chronic masturbators. That famous fairy tale.
Andrew Hansen: Very reassuring for the kids at this time, to hear stories about jerking off in isolation.
Dom Knight: If you’re stuck in your room and in your teens-
Andrew Hansen: In your bunker, yeah.
Dom Knight: Good way to say stafe.
Andrew Hansen: All right. Well, let’s find out the answer to what the story is. And as you listen, of course, try and guess who’s telling that story.
Peter Coombe: Hi, tonight’s story is about an old man who planted a turnip seed. And it grew and grew to become an enormous turnip. So this is the story of The Enormous Turnip. A turnip did grow and grow and grow until it was enormous!
Andrew Hansen: Well, you could be right, Dommy. Maybe it is a story about masturbating!
Charles Firth: I have a confession to make. I have been in a stage adaptation of this story. I was the farmer in Year Four.
Andrew Hansen: No!
Charles Firth: I was the farmer in the West Pymble public presentation play of The Enormous Turnip.
Andrew Hansen: No! The farmer’s the starring role, isn’t it? Or is the turnip? [crosstalk 00:18:34].
Charles Firth: The turnip really was the star. But I can actually even remember the song. I came out and I went (singing)
Andrew Hansen: I’m hooked!
Charles Firth: (singing)
Andrew Hansen: Boo! That is a terrible start to a musical. Imagine if Andrew Lloyd Webber started his musicals with, “There’s a turnip, in the garden”!
Charles Firth: It’s not that dissimilar to Andrew Lloyd Webber stuff!
Andrew Hansen: Yeah, actually it would fit right in.
Dom Knight: I just wonder, Charles, whether you should be telling this story to the Child Abuse Royal Commission?
Andrew Hansen: [inaudible 00:19:14] But the big question is the game. Well. Who’s the children’s entertainer?
Charles Firth: I think it was an Australian, wasn’t it?
Andrew Hansen: Yes. It is. It’s Aussie.
Dom Knight: I can only think of Peter Coombe or someone-
Andrew Hansen: Dommy Knights has got it again!
Dom Knight: Oh my God!
Andrew Hansen: You are correct. It was Peter Coombe. And by a great stroke of coincidence, Peter Coombe a few years ago released an excellent bit of medical advice for what to do if you come down with Covid, or indeed any other illness. It goes like this:
Peter Coombe: (singing).
Andrew Hansen: Fill in the next line of the song, please. (singing) What’s next Dommy?
Dom Knight: Give Dr. Google a look. I don’t know.
Andrew Hansen: Oh, not bad! Charles?
Charles Firth: It’ll be stemming like, “Don’t be a sook,” won’t it?
Andrew Hansen: Aye! Charles Firth! Let’s let’s hear the answer. (singing).
Charles Firth: Oh, wow!
Andrew Hansen: Nicely done!
Charles Firth: That’s because I was in that musical in Year Five.
Andrew Hansen: Well, there you go. And, of course, not only not being a sook … But, of course, the even more important thing to remember, if you do get very ill, is make sure you …
Keith Richards: Say stafe.
Dom Knight: The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. No need to uphold it when you can just hold it up.
Intro voice: Welcome to the future!
Charles Firth: That’s right. This is the segment where I review crap Bluetooth products that been made by our late capitalist society and unleashed on consumers. Let’s let Ben introduce today’s product.
Ben: Hi, I’m Ben, and this is the Egg Minder. This is one of the first products we did with our friends at GE. It’s a very simple product, but it’s absolutely amazing.
Charles Firth: So what do you reckon an Egg Minder is?
Andrew Hansen: A chicken? A mother hen? This already exists. We don’t need it.
Dom Knight: Yes. That’s true. I love that this is GE, the world’s largest firm or whatever, in this space. I’m going to guess it basically just cooks eggs for you.
Charles Firth: Right. Well, let’s let Ben answer that question.
Ben: It’s an egg tray.
Andrew Hansen: Oh, an egg tray.
Charles Firth: Yeah. It’s an egg tray.
Andrew Hansen: For the fridge!
Dom Knight: Is it? Oh!
Charles Firth: Yeah. So the official is the Egg Minder Wink App-enabled Smart Egg Tray.
Andrew Hansen: Rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Dom Knight: I believe I’ve been using dumb egg trays my whole life.
Andrew Hansen: Remember this is a smart egg tray, Dom. What do you think it does?
Dom Knight: Well, I would hope that a smart egg tray was able to monitor the egg to find out whether it had gone off, based on actually testing it in same way. Like when you drop it in a glass of water.
Charles Firth: Let’s see whether you’re right. Let’s go to Ben.
Ben: It hold the eggs. It holds 14 of them. And it actually keeps track of how many eggs you have at any given time. So let’s say you’re at the market and you want to know, do I need eggs or not? You just look at your phone, you look at the app and it says, “Yeah, you need eggs.”
Charles Firth: You didn’t think of that, did you Dom? You didn’t think of that.
Dom Knight: Well, I’ve been relying on my memory for that for all these years. About whether I’ve used the eggs.
Charles Firth: This is why I’m always out of eggs, because I haven’t had eggs so years. Because I never know if I need them or not. So I don’t take the risk of buying-
Andrew Hansen: No! [crosstalk 00:22:45]
Charles Firth: What if I got home and I had eggs?
Dom Knight: Yeah! You could waste three or $4 on those eggs, Andrew.
Andrew Hansen: That’s right!
Charles Firth: Dom, you were actually slightly right. There is is another feature. I’ll let Ben tell you.
Ben: But the best feature, of the feature I think is most cool … There’s little LEDs next to each egg and it tells you what the oldest egg is. And you just take it and you see the next LED pops on, tells you that’s the next oldest egg. Yup. And then you go. And then, bam!
Dom Knight: Bam!
Charles Firth: See? Isn’t that useful? Because when you get a carton of eggs, they’re all different ages, aren’t they?
Andrew Hansen: They’re all of different ages, are they? Some of them could be years old. Who knows how old some of those eggs are?
Dom Knight: Some would say that you could just work, say, left to right, to achieve the same effect, but Ben knows better.
Andrew Hansen: The thing that troubles me a little bit is that, didn’t Ben mention that it holds 14 eggs?
Charles Firth: Yes. Because I just to read you some of the reviews on Amazon … Because it’s got 334 negative reviews on Amazon. It only get 2.3 out of five on Amazon, which if you know Amazon is the worst reviews in the world.
Charles Firth: But one of the overwhelming complaints is, this is terrible for people with OCD, because they’re just complaining. All of these people have bought this egg tray and are just complaining how it has 14 slots and eggs are sold in 12s. And how it’s just driving them insane, because you can’t then go and buy two extra eggs.
Andrew Hansen: Ah! It would be awful. And imagine, you’d always have two empty slots and that would be infuriating! It would be so annoying to have those two empty slots. Ah, yeah!
Charles Firth: So, the thing is there are a few other problems with this, it’s not just the 14 eggs. One of the problems is the batteries die after every few weeks. So-
Andrew Hansen: Oh right. So they last less than an egg does!
Charles Firth: Yeah.
Andrew Hansen: Is that what you’re saying?
Charles Firth: The other one is apparently it’s not a very accurate at counting eggs. So-
Andrew Hansen: You had one job! It’s only feature is not very accurate! And it wasn’t a very difficult job!
Charles Firth: But the main problem, which I just love … I love this problem about this egg tray. If you put it in your fridge, it can’t connect to your wifi, because your fridge is made of metal and it acts as a sort of Faraday cage, and actually stops it from connecting to the wifi.
Charles Firth: So the only way it can connect to the wifi is if you keep your fridge door open.
Andrew Hansen: So if I’m at the market and I want to check in with the smart egg tray, I need someone to call my wife and get her to open the fridge. And instead of [crosstalk 00:25:33] “Don’t tell me. Don’t tell me how many there are! Wait, I’m just going to connect!” That’s fantastic!
Charles Firth: So, this tray started being $78. Would you buy it for $78?
Andrew Hansen: $78 egg tray that you can’t use.
Charles Firth: It’s now actually only $20 Australian on Amazon. You can get it for. I don’t know why they cut the price. So if you want one, it’s a Wink App-enabled Smart Egg Tray. I’m sure there’s plenty of available.
Dom Knight: Do you think that they have a smart device that tells them how many unsold devices there are?
Andrew Hansen: The Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible. They say black lives matter, but Christian votes matter too.
Dom Knight: Well, that’s it for this Chaser Report. Don’t forget to write a review, subscribe in Apple podcasts, which is apparently all that matters to our bosses, and check the latest news any time at chaser.com.au.
Dom Knight: Oh, but wait! Andrew, you’ll never guess what’s happened!
Andrew Hansen: Oh, don’t tell me Dommy. Don’t tell me there’s some news breaking, is there? No!
Dom Knight: Right on time, as ever, a late breaking news update from Rebecca de Unamuno.
Rebecca de Unamuno: The United States of America has just undergone a dramatic rebranding and will now be known simply as the States of America. Back to you.
Dom Knight: And we’ll leave you with another advertisement. Great news this week for rich people, Andrew. The government’s going to give $25,000 to homeowners so they can do up their joints. Isn’t that exciting?
Andrew Hansen: Well, who could be more deserving at this time really than somebody who already owns a home and earns an absolute shitload? I think this is a great idea. The Home Builder Renovation Scheme. Good job!
Dom Knight: This week’s Chaser Report is brought to you by the Trump edition of the Holy Bible with a convenient arrow on the back cover, so you know which way is up.
Andrew Hansen: Are you rich beyond the wildest dreams of avarice?
Dom Knight: Yep. I’m so rich I stink of cash.
Andrew Hansen: Are you the kind of person who smokes cigars made out of $100 notes?
Dom Knight: That’s me!
Andrew Hansen: Then I apply now for the government’s Home Builder Renovation Grant. $25,000 are up for grabs, but only for people to whom $25,000 is chicken feed.
Dom Knight: That’s me. In fact, I’m rich from building an actual chicken food empire!
Andrew Hansen: Just imagine the people that scheme could assist. Clive Palmer, install a few more plastic dinosaurs in the yard. Guy Sebastian, why not splash the 25K on soundproofing to protect the neighbors from your music? Alan Jones, pop on an extra toilet cubicle and enjoy yourself! So apply for the Home Builder Renovation Scheme today!
Dom Knight: No. I’ll get my butler to apply for me.
The Chaser Quarterly