Albanese prepares letter asking ‘good friend’ to “pretty please consider maybe not killing more Aussie humanitarian workers”


Following reports that the IDF has killed an Australian delivering humanitarian aid in Palestine, Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has announced that he will prepare a letter to his ‘good friend’ Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu asking him to “pretty please consider maybe not killing more Aussie humanitarian workers”.

A leaked version of the letter has been given to The Chaser:

“Hey best buddy,”

“So I am hearing that you killed an Australian citizen trying to help those in need, could you maybe consider not doing that please? If it’s not too much to ask.”

“I’ve been fine with looking the other way when you were killing refugees, children, teachers, doctors, journalists and other aid workers. But with this one it is a bit harder to defend to the media my not doing anything to deter you.”

“I’m not mad, just a little disappointed. So could you maybe just do it as a favour to your favourite pal? Not Joe, the other one.”

“Cheers, Anthony Albanese (the one that sends over the weapons parts).”

In response to the letter, Penny Wong has put out a statement adding ‘sending letters calling for no more killing of Australian aid workers’ to the growing list of things the Labor government ‘has always stood against’.

“Please don’t google whether we have always had these stances,” said Wong, “just trust that we always have been on the right side of history. Why would anyone want to fact check that?”

Aussie social media user suffers through second day of unfunny April Fools posts


Aussies on social media are experiencing even more despair than usual today as they suffer through a second consecutive day of terrible April Fools posts.

“Who knew doom scrolling could get worse?” said Hannah from Sydney. “Normally you at least get rewarded scrolling social media by the occasional funny post, but now those have been replaced with people just saying things that aren’t true or worse, posts social media managers from big brands trying to be funny. Two days of this is far too long, I can’t go through this every year!”

“The second day is always the hardest. See we not only are we dealing with the painful lack of humour that exists with marketing departments and brand social media managers, but you then factor in American senses of humour. It’s a combination that seems tailor made for misery.”

“We need intervention to stop the spread of these posts and limit them to one day. We should just ban time zones at this point, and maybe even criminalise brand accounts on social media all together. The suffering must end.”

Many Aussies have taken desperate measures to combat the flood of unfunny posts for their own wellbeing. With some people working from home even trying to find more work to do just so they can avoid opening a social media app.

Jesus struggling to rise again due to rubble and debris


Carpenter and world’s first influencer Jesus Christ has confirmed he may miss his annual Easter Sunday miracle due the build up of about 6 months worth of debris from constant bombardment blocking the exit to his cave.

“What in Dads name is going on here,” he said after pushing the bolder out of the way only to see the debris, “how on earth am I meant to get out of here now? Sure I can come back to life, but moving all the devastation in this region… I’m not that much of a miracle worker.” 

Israeli officials have responded to criticism of this blockage by claiming to have intel that Hamas may have a secret base inside Jesus’ Cave.

“There was someone living in that cave and locals say it’s a place of importance. That’s the sort of intel we need to have a pretty good hunch that Hamas is there and that the cave needs to wiped off the face of the earth.”

Easter Bunny detained by Border Force after bringing food products into Australia


In a special episode of Channel 7’s Border Security, Border Force agents have detained the Easter Bunny at Sydney International Airport after attempting to smuggle dairy products into Australia.

Minister for Home Affairs Clare O’Neil has celebrated the arrest, stating that bringing joy to children everywhere isn’t an excuse to be lax on immigration. 

“We will not be providing special considerations when protecting our borders. If you or any bunny attempts to smuggle dangerous food products into the country illegally, you will be stopped like the terrorist you are.”

“We will be sending this bunny off for interrogation on Nauru, once we make sure there is no magically hidden chocolate on him that he could try to give to any child refugees we may or may not have locked up there.”

ABC Political Compass app explodes after Labor’s refugee announcement


In devastating news for politically active people who want to pretend they don’t know who they are voting for, the ABC Political Compass app has self-destructed after trying to factor in Labor’s new anti-refugee policy.

Programers for the ABC said that the app’s algorithm was unable to handle the lack of logic in Labor trying to push an anti-immigration policy that is more anti-refugee than the Liberal Party’s policies.

“Australia’s political landscape has been reasonably predictable up until now,” said the programmer trying to rebuild the app, “but our main supposedly centre-left party is acting very right wing and as a result the app couldn’t seperate the options. It wasn’t designed for a heel turn this big.”

“The current immigration policy also scares the AI algorithm because it knows that if it tells the people who would be most aligned with Labor’s current policy, they will get furious at the idea of not voting for Pauline Hanson, let alone voting for Labor.”

“And don’t even get it started on the levels of complaints when a life-long Labor voter who doesn’t hate refugees will only be left with Greens or some of the Teals.”

‘For now we will try get it running again by changing the questions. Instead of ‘How many more migrants we should be accepting’ we’re asking questions like ‘how much do you support bombing children?’ and ‘how much more should the government help landlords than they do tenants?’. You know questions where the lines between the major parties are just slightly wider.”

Albo commits to deporting Jesus if he rises again this Sunday


Former ‘Tory Puncher’ Anthony Albanese has announced that he will do everything in his power to deport Jesus Christ if he follows through on rising again this Sunday.

The shocking move came as the PM continues to push his new ‘tough on borders’ approach after his polling numbers hit the traditional level where an Australian Prime Minister desperately decides to ramp up fear-mongering, in hopes of winning the votes of racists who would never vote for Labor.

“Previously Border Force would have let a man like that through,” he said at a press conference earlier today, “but we have recently discovered that the images we have of him are false and he wasn’t actually white. That changes everything.”

“While the weak willed Liberal Party are showing how weak they are on boarders by posting thanks to this foreign potential threat, we believe in taking action. Jesus claims to be the child of a refugee, that is not the kind of people the Labor Party want in this country. We will fight back against the potential threat that is Jesus or any person from the Middle East who is in danger.”

“This is a really special call for me to make… you see growing up, my mother never got to deport Jesus Christ…”

Scientists update status of Australian Music Festivals from ‘endangered’ to ‘verging on extinction’


Concerned scientists have made a major declaration today, warning the Australian Music Festivals (which have sat on the endangered list for years) are now officially classified as ‘verging on extinction’ following a year of cancellations including Groovin’ the Moo and Splendour in the Grass.

“This could be catastrophic,” said one scientist, “the effects an extinction would be a major blow to the ecosystem. We simply have no way of knowing what impact it would have on independent Australian artists and the trust fund kids who are the only people left who can afford to go to these festivals.”

“A range of factors have gotten us to this point. From the cost of living crisis, to the lack of arts funding, the ever increasing cost of drugs at these events and most importantly the terrible line-ups that haven’t updated in 15 years.”

“In nature you need to adapt to survive, but there has been no sign of adaptation from Australian festivals for decades. We fear that without proper intervention the entire musical festival circuit could be gone before we know it.”

In response to the experts, the Australian Government has announced they will make good on their election promises to continue to hold press conferences about how much they love the arts. With funding to be directly allocated to buying a shirt for the Prime Minister featuring the name of whichever band comes up when his chief of staff googles ‘youth band Australia’.

Shocking: young people aren’t spending hundreds during a cost of living crisis to see musicians from 10 years ago


In news that has shocked every person in the country, annual music festival Splendour In The Grass has been cancelled this year after for some reason young people didn’t feel like spending hundreds of dollars to go during a cost of living crisis.

Like many other festivals this year, Splendour was called off in devastating news for drug dealers and trust fund kids who refer to themselves as ‘a bloodly legend’. For those communities, the event was the closest thing they have to a religious holiday.

“Sacrifices had to be made,” said Jeremy aged 26, “”it was a tough choice between paying a month’s worth of rent or seeing what are they called? Arcane Fire? Arcade Fire? I don’t know.”

Many took to social media to show their anger at the festival being cancelled, before clarifying that they aren’t angry enough that they would actually buy tickets to attend it if it still went ahead.

Liberal Party proves they no longer have a problem with women by choosing a failed male politician over two women to try take back a seat from a woman


The Liberal Party have taken a massive stance to prove to voters that they no longer have a problem with women by choosing former politician Tim Wilson over two other female candidates in order to try and win back a seat currently held by a woman.

“Last election we were shocked to learn that women are allowed to vote these days,” said Opposition Leader Peter Dutton, “but it turns out we need to win their votes too. So I had a chat with Former Minister for Women Abbott and came to the best choice to win over the ladies.”

“It’s clear that Tim Wilson is the person for the job. Sure he may have lost humiliatingly badly, but when it comes to taking back the job from a woman, we knew the best choice had to be the man.”

“Plus this means one less woman whose desk can be jizzed on, which is progress to a safer party where there are no women who have desks for us to wank onto.”

Guy who doesn’t question why ‘completed’ flat pack has a bunch of ‘extra’ parts, recently hired as Boeing engineer


Local self-declared handyman James Davidson has been offered a job as a Boeing engineer after his amazing work attempting to put a flat-pack cupboard together and just assuming that the many left over parts are just the extra pieces they add sometimes.

“I am so excited for this opportunity,” he said while posting a picture of the cupboard that is clearly about to collapse, “I’ve never done anything like it before but they reckon if anything I am over qualified for making a jumbo jet as cheaply as possible.”

“I did my first one today and the builders were like ‘why is there so many extra parts?’ but I told them about how planes tend to come with a few hundred extra screws, hinges and panels. So we’ll just keep them for the next one.”

In response to the new quality standards of planes, airlines around the globe have begun surprising passengers with extra weight fees, “it’s not just about profit, it’s also about safety. When we buy the cheapest jet available to increase profit margins, customers need to understand that it means they can’t bring a full suitcase of luggage and should probably leave some stuff at home for safety.”

“Same goes with whether you really need the extra weight of wearing both shoes onto the plane. That’s why we will start charging a ‘second shoe’ fee too.”