Self-made trust fund inheritor Elon Musk released a statement earlier today following his acquisition of Twitter, telling advertisers that he will “bring freedom of speech to Twitter, once I am finished having sex with this dog”.

The billionaire tech mogul, who spends his free time drowning orphans, said that “Freedom of speech is the most important thing to me. Right behind keeping the employees I’m cheating on my wife with quiet with NDAs.”

“Hopefully with my expertise in cutting edge technology, Twitter can finally start running over cyclists before blowing up in a giant fireball.”

Musk said he celebrated the buyout with a slice of his favourite food, public bathroom urinal cakes, before adding “who am I kidding? I ate the whole thing, it was a treat.”