National
Following a scathing royal commission that shows an alarming suicide rate within a select group, the Australian government has announced that veteran status will not be included in the 2026 census.
“This report is quite heavy stuff” Defence Minister Richard Marles, “we worry that acknowledging it and those impacted it might lead to nasty commentary or divisiveness.”
“We also don’t want the census to be too complex. So we’re going to remove questions about if you’re a veteran and if you’re experiencing mental health issues. If that’s happening to you I’m sure there’s an employee assistance program or something you can use.”
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese also released a statement on the decision, with insiders saying he was still annoyed people pay attention to what decisions he makes.
“The way we respond to royal commissions as a government is well precedented, we promise action, then we wait for everyone to forget and then we gut billions from the department in question before resigning prior to any punishment, it’s politics 101 but I’m the bad guy just because I ‘maybe’ promised to do things differently!”
“We want the census to celebrate our country and our diversity and the data we gather is used to inform our decisions, so we can’t have anything that tells us we need to do something we don’t want to do.”
“Plus now that we are including Trans people with their catastrophic suicide rate, this is going to be one depressing census. Not good for my polls.”
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