In an uncharacteristic move this morning, God has held a press conference to discuss the allegations that Prime Minister Scott Morrison has been making decisions based on her guidance. God told reporters that she had not spoken to Mr Morrison and that her words should not influence government policy, instead suggesting hearing from Brittney Higgins and letting her words influence policy.
“Why is Scott Morrison claiming to be speaking with me when he should be speaking with Brittney Higgins?” asked God after sending basically every plague and disaster she could think of as a warning, “What the fuck is wrong with this guy? For heaven’s sake, get thou shit together Morrison!”
“Hurry the fuck up and meet with Ms Higgins,” God commanded, “stop bringing me into this! If thou has actually fucking read my biography thou would know what you are doing is fucked up! It’s been months and thou still hasn’t even done the first step to attempting to make anything right. She shouldn’t need months of protests, media coverage and to call you out publicly for not following through with actually meeting you to get to speak to her former boss about whether or not he should be covering up a fucking rape!”
“Also I swear if you fuck off to Hawaii instead of meeting with her, I will personally strike you down. Keep my name out your me-damned mouth until thou starts acting like a person who gives a shit. Out of all the Abrahamic religions, why is always cunt’s like you that blame your shitty actions on me?”
When asked by reporters if God believes the PM isn’t listening to her because she is a woman, God replied: “Oh yeah, no that makes sense. The closest thing he has ever had to listening to a woman was listening to that Tony prick when he made himself minister for woman. He is such a little fuckwit isn’t he?”