Coalition staffer writes ‘fucking awesome’ policy slamming drug decriminalisation, celebrates with an extra bump

Coalition staffers have celebrated their hard work today drafting a bill to overrule the ACT government’s decriminalisation of drugs, with their traditional extra bump at their desk in Parliament House.

“This policy is fucking awesome!” screamed one staffer. “These lines about how drug addicts should be in jail are incredible. Anyway speaking of lines, who’s down for a third?”

“Fuck yeah we’ll show these Canberra voters that making our local branch irrelevant won’t stop us from trying to block these policies baby. Drug usage is always inappropriate and should be forced into hiding in places like the Prayer Room. Speaking of, let’s criminalise sex work too. I can do anything right now, WOOO!”

The federal coalition’s push to overrule the territory government’s policy has been condemned by drug safety experts and Canberra voters alike, however they have been praised by tabloid media journalists who are concerned that if the stigma around drug addiction does go away, it will be much harder for them to villainize regular people who are struggling with it.

“Drugs are scary things that ruin families and only most evil people would ever use them. Be afraid of them. The drug trade is pure evil, I mean you should see how much the prices have gone up by. At this rate I might have to change over to coffee for my morning pick-me-up instead.”