The Attorney-General whose defamation lawyer has the most dreamy eyes I have ever seen, Christian Porter has today released a statement in order to try and clean up his reputation, no not that statement. An unexpected one, alleging that all Aussies can ‘trust him’.
“You can trust me as much as you would a priest,” said the guy who was hesitant to release the unredacted version of the Royal Commission into the Catholic Church. “Just like the Catholic Church and the Hillsong Church, I have had many investigations into me and I am still allowed to operate without direct oversight, so I must be trustworthy.”
“I am totally trustworthy, if you want the Attorney General’s office can launch an investigation into me. All investigations into allegations surrounding my conduct have turned out great for me. Sure Malcolm claims he doesn’t like what I did but he promoted me after looking into what was happening. Since everyone trusts him now, think about it, that wouldn’t make any sense if he had an issue with my behaviour now would it.”
“If I was really perpetuating some ‘boys club’ in the LNP and Malcolm was against it, surely he wouldn’t have not only promoted me to Attorney General but also wouldn’t he have acted in regards to any alleged letters he hypothetically could have received while PM. If I had done anything to make Malcolm upset like some people suggest he would have had more than enough evidence to stand me down and go to the police, but he didn’t so I am cleared of any wrongdoing.”
“See I would never do anything to harm anyone, and anyone who disagrees can take that up with my defamation lawyer. I am all about family values, and the value my family can make off of any hypothetical allegations, even if they can be proven accurate in a court of law. Which they wouldn’t be able to, now does anyone dare to challenge that?”
Government officials said that they trust Mr Porter completely but are also considering moving him to another department where his skills and leadership could also be utilised, like ADFA for example.