Disgraced politician and world’s lamest cowboy Barnaby Joyce has today announced plans for a new career path as a Melbourne security guard. The controversial and often outspoken family man, turned different family man, reportedly made the decision while looking into the recent surges in coronavirus cases around Australia connected to Melbourne residents.
“I have decided to follow my passions,” said the career politician, “and if that means I now need to become a security guard, so be it. By ‘passion’ I of course mean protecting Australians… no other reason. I am ready to get down and dirty with, sorry for, my clients in any way I have to. I just really want to find a girl under my protection and give her some good se…curitying.”
“I think a job like security guard would be perfect for me,” he continued now with his trademark creepy smirk. “I would be amazing at it. It might shock some of you since security guards are generally known for being pricks who are constantly on power trips but never seem to actually be around doing their jobs when you need them, but I myself was actually a nightclub bouncer before being a politician. I know it’s shocking right? Anyway, trust me I know how to get in the way of people getting into somewhere. Just look at my history as a politician, I don’t care if they were a refugee in need, or Johnny Depp’s dogs, I fought hard to keep them out. So, if I hear that anyone, sorry I mean anyone else, has been described by the ladies as a creepy sex pest I will immediately remove them. I don’t want any competition.”
Barnaby Joyce reportedly also has meetings planned with executives at Virgin about their future, however some experts are sceptical if he knows that Virgin is the name of an airline after he posted on Facebook, “I am happy to help out any and all Virgins in the future learn a thing or two. Even if it is an entire company full of them, it will be tiring work but I will do anything I can with these women.”