A landmark petition has been presented to the United Nations today, in what is being described as an unprecedented act of global scientific unity. Leaving a document featuring the signatures of over 11,000 independant scientists on the desk of the Secretary General, the world’s peak scientific body CERN has today signalled that it is now a scientifically proven fact that Israel Folau is a complete moron.
“We know there has been considerable debate on this topic for some time,” read the report, “both in the scientific and wider global community. But the new evidence we present today proves beyond any doubt that Israel Folau just made the mental leap between gay marriage and bushfires, proving once and for all that he really gave up a $3 million contract to chase a ball around a field because he dislikes gay people so much.”
“How you could take one 2000 year old book at face value that claims an invisible man living in the sky can make it rain frogs, but then completely dismiss the hundreds of other books written on the topic of the climate which spell out in incredible detail exactly how carbon emissions are changing weather patterns, we’ll never understand.”
Showing detailed graphs and charts breaking down exactly how stupid Folau’s latest statements really are – scientists say there is no debating the facts when it comes to interpreting the data. “Take for example his recent IQ test,” explained one scientist at Sydney University, “the fact that it came back negative is a very telling sign.”
The Chaser Quarterly