Treasurer announces policy reversal: pay $1,000 or else you’ll be flown to Christmas Island

Surprised to learn that people don’t really want to pay $1,000 to be taken to Christmas Island, the Treasurer has announced a new policy: pay $1,000 or else you’ll be flown to Christmas Island. “We’ve blown hundreds of millions of dollars getting our hell-hole there open again,” said the Treasurer, Josh Frydenberg. “And for no good reason. Its time for the Commonwealth to fill up some beds!” The new policy of compulsory evacuation applies to all Australians in Wuhan province or elsewhere in China, or Australia, or anywhere else in the world for that matter – if they can’t come up with $1,000 fast. “And we’ve just flown in a planeload of coronavirus as well,” said Mr Frydenberg. “To help focus people’s minds. So if you don’t fancy a bit of that, cough up, or else.” The Treasurer explained that the plan is to claw back some of Kevin Rudd’s $900 cheques, plus interest, helping to keep the budget in surplus. Sucking money out of the economy should help to plunge Australia into the recession that should have followed the GFC, thus putting everything right in the world. The Christmas Island Tourism Association welcomed the move, but bemoaned the lack of consultation. “If anyone had bothered to ask us, we would have told them that of course no-one wants to see a prison cum leper colony covered in crabs. We’ve been begging the government for years to force tourists to come.” The first planeloads of forced arrivals are expected this week. Funding for new sports facilities will follow, subject to the outcomes of exit polls to be conducted as new residents alight their planes.

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