Risque cocktail names trouble Christian barmaid

[Edition 70] MELBOURNE: A local barmaid has called for a host of cocktails, including such as Hard Ons, Sex on the Beach and Orgasms, to be renamed in order to accommodate her wholesome Christian beliefs.

[Edition 70] MELBOURNE: A local barmaid has called for a host of cocktails, including such as Hard Ons, Sex on the Beach and Orgasms, to be renamed in order to accommodate her wholesome Christian beliefs.

“As a Christian I’ve promised God I’ll save myself for the man I marry, so being asked for a Quick Fuck every night causes me extreme discomfort,” admitted Emily Williams, 24, in the middle of her shift at a Melbourne bar. “Especially when I have to say ‘yes’ every time.”

Williams usually deals with embarrassing orders by ducking under the counter to perform a series of rapid fire Hail Marys. “I was prepared to overlook the vending machine in the toilet that distributes contraceptive devices,” she says, “but this is a bit much. I’m devoted to the word of the Lord, and I’m pretty sure that word doesn’t include 69ers and Cocksucking Cowboys.”

Bar Manager Hamish Greig says he sympathises with Williams’s dilemma, but he is not willing to accommodate the alternative cocktail names she favours. “I can’t really see ‘Marital Love on the Beach’ driving up sales,” he says. “And no matter how good it tastes I’d never order a Christ-loving Cowboy.”

But while Williams confesses she is “always on the lookout for a career that’s slightly less likely to send her to hell”, she admits her current job is preferable to her previous place of work, Big Phil’s Adult Bookshop.

“Dear Lord,” she says, rolling her eyes, “If I’d had to explain to one more person how a Four Pronged Anal Probe works, I think I would have died.”