Guide: Acceptable and unacceptable uses of taxpayer money as decided by the media

With recent controversy about government spending confusing everyday people, we have spoken to a panel of expert newsroom editors to get their verdict on what uses of taxpayer money are acceptable and which are a flagrant slap in the face of the those of us funding it.

Paying for mining companies to expand – Verdict: Good!

Explanation: Mining companies need our help. If you judge them by the amount of tax they pay, they are some of the smallest companies in the world. To not help them would be to not support small business.

Lifting people out of poverty – Verdict: Terrible.

Explanation: Poor people can’t be trusted with money. These lazy bludgers would use the money for things like ‘food’, ‘shelter’ and ‘transport to job interviews’. A terrifying thought which would destroy our ability to write dehumanising stories about them.

University Fees – Verdict: Disgusting

Explanation: In order to pay for these people to become doctors and teachers, everyday blue collar workers are footing the bill, plus some millionaires but we just wont talk about that. It is class warfare against the workers!

TAFE Fees – Verdict: Sickening

Explanation: If the lesser classes want to learn trades, why should we pay for it? We already give them enough when we employ them to upgrade our investment properties. This is class warfare against the real workers!

Dinner with Gambling CEOS – Verdict: Yum!

Explanation: Gambling is at the core of Aussie life, it’s why we are the biggest gamblers in the world. Without these local heroes, how else would people lose their life savings? It is important that we foot the bill for their caviar yacht parties to schmooze our politicians.

School Lunches – Verdict: Yuck.

Explanation: These ‘children’ could be little monsters. If their parents cant afford to give them lunch, they should starve. You can’t just be expecting us to pay for your needs. Get real a job you lazy 6 year olds!

Royal visits – Verdict: Amazing

Explanation: His majesty is the ruler of this land and its politicians. The peasants should feel honoured that their money goes towards making the life of the billionaire slightly easier.

Politicians taking private jets to visit Rupert Murdoch – Verdict: Amazing

Explanation: His majesty is the ruler of this land and its politicians. The peasants should feel honoured that their money goes towards making the life of the billionaire slightly easier.

Consent Education – Verdict: Inappropriate

Explanation: Stuff like this should not be taught to our youth as it could make some future sex offenders uncomfortable. These are the potential politicians and media executives of tomorrow!

Nuclear Energy – Verdict: Empowering

Explanation: Nuclear energy might be extremely expensive to set up and the technology for small reactors might not exist yet, however it will all be worth it in 15 years when they are set up as part of a transition to renewables. The more funding the better.

Renewable energy – Verdict: A waste

Explanation: Renewables are ugly and gross. The technology may be real, but can we really trust it? Did the scientists even think about night time or the way that batteries don’t exist? These are not the future.

War – Verdict: Love it!

Explanation: Who doesn’t love a good bit of war? It makes for great headlines and is a constant source of funding. Whether it is AUKUS submarines that may or may not exist or weapons from any of our allies, we should just go on a trillion dollar shopping spree. Yay war!