God has pointedly ignored a request for divine intervention in a greyhound race. Despite the repeated, fervent pleading of a number of race-goers at the Dapto Dogs, the popular deity allowed 11/1 outsider Indiana Bones to run last. “God knew what I wanted, and He knew how badly I wanted it,” said punter Clive Deville. “The fact that Indiana Bones ran last…well, it’s shaken my faith in the Judeo-Christian ethos, that’s for sure.”
The exact wording of Deville’s prayer, “Please, God, please let this trifecta happen,” left no doubt as to the outcome desired by the petitioner. “Dirtbox Daisy winning would have needed a miracle”, said Jehovah. “And I’m not in the business of providing miracles to people who haven’t set foot inside a church since 1993.”
Theologians have argued the implications of this event since late last week: “Greyhounds have choice like the rest of us. The Lord has promised He won’t interfere with our free will, why is why He will not magically make a dog run faster than it otherwise would. It’s all spelled out in Leviticus. Or Galatians. I forget which. It would also be a breach of Greyhound Association rules.”
This marks the 37-trillionth selfish prayer the Almighty has ignored since time began. Previous deific refusals have involved Collingwood winning the 2002 or 2003 AFL Grand Final, sex with any member of the Pussycat Dolls and the making of “a new Star Wars movie to settle the question of Princess Leia’s Jedi potentiality once and for all”.
“I thought I’d made it pretty clear in the Bible that I wasn’t a big fan of adultery, but people never seem to stop asking me about it. I’m not going to help people ‘bang chicks’, no matter how hot they are.” God also stated for the record that He was reluctant to give men erections after a big night of drinking, and that He was not going to smite anyone’s boss, unless He was planning to anyway, as part of his ‘Mysterious Ways’ project.
God also noted he is tired of being thanked it’s Friday.
The Chaser's Completely True History of Australia is out now!
Available in bookstores, or buy it right now.