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Trump apologises for grabbing security guard’s neck, stating he had mistaken it for a woman’s genitals

NATIONAL |

Former President Donald Trump has today apologised for grabbing a secret service member’s neck, stating that he had simply mistaken it for a woman’s genitals, which of course would have been fine in the eyes of the electorate.

“When you’re famous they let you get away things like that,” Trump explained. “You can just walk right up and grab them by the neck.”

However, the secret service agent has reported that he felt he was in no danger from Trump’s attack, due to the minuscule size of Trump’s tiny, tiny hands.

Members serving on the committee investigating Trump have stated the new revelation is damning evidence that he was actively attempting to overturn the election in order to turn America into a dictatorship, and that he will almost certainly suffer a light slap on the wrist for this.

Tupperware somehow even wetter after 8 hours in drying up rack

GENERAL NEWS |

Local mother of two Edith Sexism has today stunned scientists and revolutionised water conservation efforts after discovering that common Tupperware is capable of conjuring water out of thin air if left in a drying up rack for more than an hour.

“At first I thought it must have been the water left over from washing it up,” said Edith to a packed symposium of scientists this afternoon, “but then I realised, this container was only given a light rinse, and now it’s absolutely soaked! What’s more when I tipped it over there were at least three more litres of water hidden in those curled up corners, in fact there was enough to completely soak all the plates and cutlery that had also been sitting in the rack that were completely dry only moments ago. The only logical conclusion is that this tupperware must be generating water somehow.”

Scientists hope to start using this new water harnessing technology to bring new hope to drought affected regions in rural Australia. “We’ve been testing out a new 50km rack filled with over 10,000 Tupperware containers over the Murray Darling basin, and while I don’t want to jinx things, I must say the results so far are astounding.”

“We’re seeing almost three times more water produced than our old method of having a bunch of kids stand around biting into McCain’s super juicy corn, as well as ten times less suicides from farmers who realise that the rains actually aren’t ‘ere.”

“We’re also toying with a new model which involves simply placing a single Tupperware container in a dishwasher and putting it on for a rinse cycle. Our latest research has confirmed we can gather thousands of litres this way.”

Chaser Report Live with Chris Taylor, Floyd Alexander-Hunt, Dom Knight and Charles Firth

PODCASTS |

Episode 1: Kahlua and Milkrun

Back at the pub, Dom, Charles, Chris, and Floyd are live! Charles presents a riveting quiz on the usefulness of delivery-service apps, and responds to latest census data. Plus, the team finds out which age is the most sad to be!

Harvey Norman declares bankruptcy after going whole month without government handout

NATIONAL |

Former billionaire Harvey Norman has today been forced to liquidate his chain of retail outlets, after a shock downturn in free government handouts saw the company forced to rely on ‘selling things’ in order to stay in business for a change.

“The problem is all these entitled taxpayers think they should be getting schools and hospitals for free simply because they pay a few thousands of dollars in taxes a year,” complained Harvey today. “You can’t seriously expect someone like me to dip into my savings to fund my business. I’m not a charity for God’s sake.”

The news comes as a particularly harsh blow to the Sydney Morning Herald, who will now be forced to start paying journalists again to fill the space left by the missing 24 pages Harvey Norman ads every day.

Meanwhile, members of the Australian public have suggested Harvey try cutting back on coffees and avocado if he would like to own a business.

Qantas hit with further scandal after passenger discovers $50 million worth of lettuce in boogie board bag

NATIONAL |

Qantas airlines has today issued an apology to customers, after a flight accidentally arrived on time. “We realise most of you would have pre-booked an overnight hotel in anticipation for your flight being delayed,” Qantas staff told passengers today. “So we wholeheartedly apologise for this accidental scheduled arrival, and promise it will never happen again.”

The airline was further embarrassed after accidentally delivering the passengers luggage to the intended destination, instead of rerouting it through Rome via Bangkok. These recent errors have led to calls for management at the airline to face reprisals, with many board members accepting a golden parachute from the airline, which have previously only been offered to first class passengers.

It is the second scandal to hit the airline in as many days, with Qantas baggage handlers being accused of trafficking icebergs, after a passenger found $50 million worth of lettuce inside their boogie board bag.

Struggling young people encouraged to just cut back on food, housing, electricity, transport…

GENERAL NEWS |

Young people need to stop complaining all the time. Just because the climate is collapsing, the economy is in shambles, the biosphere is depleted, and none of them can afford shelter, doesn’t mean they don’t have it better than I ever did!

Why for two years between 1988 and 1990, interest rates were higher relative to income and house costs today! And yes maybe houses are now five to ten times the average cost of when I made my first purchase, and sure they might be paying most of their income into rent due to their inability to secure a mortgage putting them into a vicious cycle of perpetual servitude to a feudal style landlord class, but maybe if they just pulled a little harder on those bootstraps they’d have favourable economic conditions handed to them like I did!

If young people want to buy a house they just need to stop buying avocados, coffee, petrol, movies, electricity, vegetables, entertainment, and heating. Plus if you just bought a house like I did, you wouldn’t be wasting a third of your income on rent every month like idiots. It’s just common sense.

“No corruption in Barilaro’s appointment” declares new head of ICAC John Barilaro

NATIONAL |

Investigations into the alleged corrupt appointment of John Barilaro to a $500,000 a year job in New York have today been closed by the NSW government, after it was declared that there had been no corrupt conduct in a report by the new head of ICAC John Barilaro.

“I have interviewed numerous stakeholders,” explained Barilaro. “From the former Deputy Premier John Barilaro, to former Minister for Trade John Barilaro, and not one of them reported any sign of corruption.”

The decision was agreed as appropriate by the chief investigator Bohn Jarilaro who said the process was clearly all above board. “Just because the job already had a shortlist and a candidate had been offered the role, both of which were suddenly scrapped when Mr Barilaro stood down from his government job, and the selection role was suddenly taken out of the public service’s hands right before Barilaro’s was appointed to the $500,000 job he created, that doesn’t mean anything dodgy took place,” explained Jarilaro. “And even if it had taken place, it’s not like it’s one of those serious crimes like ‘a teenager approaching a ministers car to make a joke’ that would require serious police involvement.”

Cost blowout explained by NSW Govt accidentally approving 25 million new flags on Harbour Bridge

NATIONAL |

The exorbitant $25 million cost to permanently install an Aboriginal Flag on the Harbour Bridge has been explained by the NSW Government accidentally approving 25 million new flags for the bridge, as opposed to the one.

NSW Premier Dominic Perrottet has decided to keep the 25 million flags slip-up to himself, hoping nobody will notice the 24,999,999 extra flags on the Harbour Bridge.

In more positive news for taxpayers, the Premier’s review into the costing of installing the flag actually showed a cost effective $1 per flag ratio – the cost of the Premier going to Bunnings and personally installing each flag, as requested.

The 25 million new flags set to cover the iconic bridge will be the most flags ever put in the one location, since Tony Abbott last did a press conference as Prime Minister.

Meanwhile, it’s not the first flag-related gaffe suffered by the Liberal Party in recent times, with the Federal Libs still reeling from an embarrassing stuff-up which saw them accidentally elect a giant red flag as party leader.

Awkward: 60 children dead after Qantas forgets to collect youth choir

NATIONAL |

ALICE SPRINGS, Tuesday: Tragedy has struck the desert this week, after the entire Australian Youth Choir was left stranded in the desert by Qantas airways due to a scheduling error.

The death of the choir is just the latest in a series of setbacks for the beleaguered airline, with the youth choir having already been left without clothing or food on arrival in the desert, after discovering their luggage had been replaced with a pile of boogie board bags stuffed with $50 million worth of lettuce.

The choir had just finished filming another song this week when plans went tragically wrong, after the airline cancelled their return flight, instead issuing the children 50 frequent flier points to spend on future airfares.

Asked for the reason of cancellation, Qantas explained that they simply hadn’t anticipated the level of demand to return from the desert. “Do you have any idea how unreliable Qantas planes are at the moment?” explained the pilot. “It would have been too great a risk to try and land the plane anywhere without fire crews and safety nets.”

While families of the children state that it is sad their children died, they say they can take solace in the fact that they are no longer forced to suffer through another Peter Allen song.

Kmart finally convince conspiracy theorists to wear masks by introducing face tracking in all stores

GENERAL NEWS |

Conspiracy theorists across Australia have faced a moral conundrum today, after being forced to decide between boycotting facemasks in shops because Covid is a ‘hoax’ and wearing facemasks in shops because the government is harvesting their data.

The debate comes as major retailers Kmart revealed that they have been using facial tracking software in their stores, in order to build a giant database of everyone in the country with terrible taste in home decor.

“I won’t stand for it!” posted one conspiracy theorist today on a giant website that harvests all their data to sell to the highest bidder. “From now on I will be wearing a facemask to Kmart to ensure the only way they can track me is via my numberplate, the data broadcast by my phone everywhere I go, my credit card, and the 30 apps I have installed on my phone that all track my every move. Checkmate government.”

The Chaser