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Chaser Video: Pedestrian Rage

VIDEOS |

From The Chaser’s War on Everything.

The Chaser’s Guide to Politics in Australia

QUARTERLY |

Early settlers, exhausted after much colonising, copied and pasted Australia’s parliamentary democracy from the British Westminster system— and a little from the United States Congress system, just so they didn’t look too lazy.

Australian politics takes place in a building in Canberra, and a few select back rooms in Sydney and Melbourne. Here our politicians work tirelessly to represent the views of their constituents, as well as the company/union/evil-mining-lady who funded their election campaign. While opinions are divided on the policies that various politicians support, it’s fair to say that all Australians agree that their politicians are terrible people.

Technically, the Queen is still Australia’s head of state and she visits once every few years to make sure we’re not mucking around down here. In her absence, the governor-general is the Queen’s official representative. The governor-general is chosen by the government of the day, based on how nice their handwriting is and, since 1975, how likely they are to fire your arse. Australia’s democracy is one of the most stable and secure in the entire world, with coup attempts only coming from politicians toward other politicians. Elections are held once every three years, and leadership spills once every six months.

Voting was made compulsory in Australia in 1926, after politicians discovered that voters were just eating the sausage sandwich and then heading home. Australia has had 28 male prime ministers and one other prime minister. The two major parties are the Australian Labor Party, who represents workers, and the Liberal Party who represents yacht owners. There are three tiers of government in Australia. The federal government takes care of matters affecting the Commonwealth, state governments take care of property developers and local government takes care of smaller property developers.

The Four Branches of Australian Government

The House of Representatives
The House of Representatives is the chamber where politicians teach school children, seated in the balcony, that democracy is much better in theory than in practice. There are 150 seats in the House, despite the trend for standing desks. Each MP in the Lower House represents anywhere from 60,000 to 120,000 voters, and in some cases, even represents those voters’ interests. Like many green rooms, it is largely populated by hack comedians.

Prime Minister
The main responsibility of the PrimeMinister, while in the House of Representatives, is to read eulogies to former MPs. They must also speak regularly on the various failings and character flaws of the Opposition Leader.

Speaker
A glorified kindergarten teacher getting paid $341,477. The Speaker sacrifices their vote during a division and must make up for this lost vote by ejecting as many members of the Opposition as possible.

Back bencher
As an MP, without a ministerial portfolio, it is the backbencher’s responsibility to mindlessly read out questions given to them by ministerial staff. Any backbencher who can recite the question without following the words along with their finger, is immediately promoted to the front bench. They are also required to laugh rowdily at any joke a front bencher makes, no matter how unfunny.

The full version of this article originally appeared in The Chaser’s Guide to Australia (CQ4): buy it here. 

Taylor Swift to follow Melbourne Cup show with intimate gig at Indonesian abattoir

NEWS |

Taylor Swift has announced a second stop on her whirlwind southern hemisphere tour in November, with the American pop sensation set to play a bespoke set to a small crowd of butchers in an abattoir below a Jakarta mosque.

“I love horse racing, so the Cup was a no brainer. But then when the live exporters reached out to me to play a gig for their local workers at this Jakarta mosque, I just couldn’t say no,” Swift told her Instagram followers today.

“They’ve been copping some bad press of late and their work can be a bit of a drag as it is, so we’re hoping my show will put a spring back in their steps.”

The singer was careful in addressing some of the criticisms levelled at her in regards to supporting animal cruelty.

“I know some people might think these choices are a bit tasteless, given the horse racing and live export industry’s so called issues with animal welfare. But to be honest with you I’ve never had any problem flogging a dead horse – which is why I’ll also be releasing an acoustic version of ‘1989’ available for purchase exclusively at my new shows.”

 

Chaser Video: the IRL iPod shuffle

VIDEOS |

From the Chaser’s War on Everything, Series 2.

LinkedIn executive presents moving PowerPoint eulogy at mother’s funeral

NEWS |

A PR manager from leading corporate networking site LinkedIn yesterday delivered a moving presentation at his mother’s funeral, utilising the many features of Microsoft’s PowerPoint software.

Before a packed congregation of relatives and friends, the senior executive paid tribute to his mother through a series of bullet points, graphic charts and bold-font mission statements.

He spoke lovingly of his mother’s varied passions and interests, represented clearly by an animated pie graph. The eulogy also included estimated projections showing where his mother would be positioned in 10 years’ time, had she not been struck dead by lymphatic cancer.

In recognition of her momentous life, the son agreed to divide his oration into three different seminar sessions, titled Strategic Collaboration, Key Achievements and Growth Outlook.

Tea and coffee were served in between each eulogy session, allowing delegate mourners the chance to meet and chat, or exchange LinkedIn endorsements.

The bereaved executive son said afterwards he thought the presentation was well received, but that he was sorry the tender story of how his mother and father met had to be dropped from the eulogy, when his laptop froze, leaving a large warning dialogue box projected onto the screen above the coffin.

Boris Johnson re-affirms UK will leave the EU by October 31st, 2050

WORLD |

British Prime Minister and part time sentient haystack Boris “BoJo” Johnson has today re-affirmed his commitment to see the United Kingdom leave the EU by October 31st. “I assure everyone that there will be no delays in my plan, and we are well on track to see the Brexit process begin in just 60 extensions.”

However, pressed by journalists, Mr Johnson did conceded that he had not specified which ‘October 31st’ he was referring to, with the Prime Minister later clarifying that he had in fact been referring to October 2050 at the earliest. “Well, it’s like I’ve always said, there’s no simple quick fix for these things,” explained Johnson, “No, as the sitting Prime Minister it’s my responsibility to look at all the options, weigh up their pros and cons, and then kick the can down the road long enough that I can get the full Prime Ministerial pension before nicking off to Spain for my retirement, all the while doing my best to avoid shouldering all the blame for the clusterfuck that will inevitably come from Great Britain leaving one of the world’s largest economic trading zones without any treaties.”

However, some government representatives have hit back at this plan, with the Minister for British Stereotypes Jacob Rees-Mogg demanding that Brexit be implemented this year. “I don’t care if it will mean civil war in Ireland, Scotland seceding and London being carved out as a special economic zone, I will not rest until I see the great remaining United Kingdom of Wales, Liverpool and Bromley kick the EU to the curb and take back their right to govern themselves. Metaphorically of course, because Boris will have prorogued parliament.”

However, Rees-Mogg’s protests may not be enough, with the minister having already been sacked by the Conservative party for daring to speak out against the Goverment’s plan, and also for having used the word ‘remain’ in the previous quote. Mogg says he plans to use the newly available free time to take on etiquette lessons, where he hopes to learn how to sit in a chair without looking like a complete twat.

Doubts over council’s claim ‘monster’ magpie was lone swooper

NEWS |

The so-called ‘Windsor Road Monster’ magpie of north west Sydney, recently terminated by Hills District Council due to a spate of viscous attacks, may actually be part of a larger network of native birds that pose a significant threat to Australia’s way of life.

“These magpies are urban terrorists, plain and simple,” said  Dudley Bronte-Harrington, the head of right wing thinktank ConPol.

“We’ve been studying them for years now and have observed their systemic and repeated anti-social behaviour, which despite repeated conciliatory gestures they have failed to stop.”

“Every springtime sleeper cells activate across Australia, looking to wreak havoc on everyday people going about their business. Cyclists, joggers, posties, little kids with blonde hair that looks like straw – nobody is safe.”

Bronte-Harrington is calling for increased funding for police and protective services to continue weeding out known problem birds, while also calling for tougher penalties for individuals that aid and assist magpies and their broods.

“You’re either with us or you’re with these two-winged freaks,” he said.

Apathy builds for start of A-League season

NEWS |

SYDNEY, Saturday: Interest in the soon to begin Hyundai A-League season is “lukewarm and cooling”. That was the optimistic message today from the new Football Federation Australia chairman, Chris Nikou. With a self-imposed media blackout and the imminent threat of administrative collapse, Nikou was confident 2019-20 could even exceed the extraordinarily high levels of apathy of previous years.

“It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that apathy will build if you just do nothing” said Nikou. “But after the  2018 World Cup and the almost success of the Australian team, there was a real danger that interest in soccer might grow this country, despite all our lack of effort. It’s our job to make sure the threat never becomes a reality.”

According to Nikou, success in damaging the profile of the sport can largely be attributed to the fixture. “It’s been specifically designed to deter spectators. Twenty-six painful rounds of mediocrity will see even the most ardent A-League fans switch their attention to foreign leagues. Failing that, there are still ten laborious weeks of finals.”

“The ten-week finals system worked particularly well for us last year because nobody understood the format,” said Nikou. “Most fans gave up after the second week and the clubs weren’t far behind.”

Unveiling the A-League’s new slogan, “How good’s the English Premier League?”, Nikou steadfastly maintained that apathy would continue to grow.

“It’s been hard at times,” he admitted. “But we’ve been working our butts off trying to stay out of the news. Since I started we haven’t held one board meeting or press conference and most days we don’t even turn up to the office. Now that’s commitment.”

Lowy lashed out at some sections of the media for conspiring to promote the forthcoming season. “SBS was poking around our stadiums with cameras but thankfully that stopped after we signed an ironclad agreement with Channel Seven which absolutely guaranteed no coverage at all.”

“We also found a couple of community newspapers were printing fixtures for the season, but we threatened legal action and not one single fixture has been printed since.”

“Our record speaks for itself. Membership is down, sponsorship is non-existent and club interest is at an all time low,” said Lowy “Most clubs have even sent reminder letters to the players, to make sure they turn up to the first game. It’s still early days but I think we may finally be realising the vision our founding fathers had when they moved the NSL season to summer. Now, promise me you won’t give this announcement any coverage and undo all our good work.”

“Norway happiest country in the world” says bullshit survey

WORLD |

In one of the biggest lies that has ever circulated mainstream media, a worldwide study released today reported that a country where sunlight is seasonal and their greatest delicacy is rotten fish, is apparently the happiest in the world.

According to the bullshit firm that ran the bullshit survey, Nordic countries consistently rank in the top five of the national happiness study, as Nordic people remain firmly entrenched in lying to themselves about what matters. One can only postulate that after six months of sitting in the dark, inbreeding and eating pickled goods, that Nordic people have begun to mistake “making it through the winter” as a sign of happiness.

According to sources in Norway, Norwegian people are celebrating the big announcement “By sitting inside, in the dark, waiting for the winter to be over.”

 

“I know how bathrooms should be used” says guy who shat his pants in Engadine Maccas in 1997

GENERAL NEWS |

Professional lame BBQ dad and part time Prime Minister Scott Morrison has today issued a proclamation that no more time shall be wasted on gender-neutral bathroom signage in Parliament house, and instead more time will be wasted taking down the existing signs and updating them because one journalist on twitter got upset that trans people exist.

“If there’s one thing I know, it’s how bathrooms are meant to be used,” declared Morrison. “After all, I underwent years of intensive training from staff after that incident in a certain Maccas back in the day. No, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that men and women poop differently somehow, and therefore a single room with a toilet cannot be used by both genders, lest the universe implode.”

“I mean, what’s next?” asked Morrison, “Men and women being allowed to go to the same schools, or serve in the military, or maybe we’ll even let them start getting jobs. Can you imagine? How would any men get any work done!”

“No, as the single party based around the idea of small-government and personal freedom, it is of the upmost importance that the government get involved in who is and isn’t allowed to use a toilet.” continued Morrison. “As the Prime Minister of a country that is currently facing the worst recession in 40 years, it’s imperative that I spend at least one day focused on this very important issue.”

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