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Australian politicians exposed for being assets of foreign agent

NATIONAL |

Shock news in Australian politics as it has been alleged by intelligence officials that a former elected official was competent enough to pull off being a spy for a foreign agent.

Following the news, many Australian politicians have been exposed for being assets of a foreign agent and wannabe Bond villain Rupert Murdoch.

“This is a serious threat,” said one expert, “this foreign power is known for installing leaders into countries around the world, directly trying to meddle with elections then even inspiring an insurrection in America when things don’t go his way. Yet multiple politicians from across the political spectrum abandon those they are sworn to represent in order to kiss his ring. I mean they are basically making out with that ring at this point.”

“These politicians become hungry for power and make deals with this foreign agent. It hurts Australia’s sovereignty and only serves to strengthen those who want to write terribly written, factually inaccurate pieces designed to anger uncles uncles who the rest of the family don’t talk to anymore.”

A representative for ASIO has said they are not concerned about the politicians acting as agents for Murdoch, explaining that “Australian politics is built on being undyingly loyal to the demands of Americans.”

Nikki Haley legally changes her name to ‘Other’ in hopes to gain ground against Donald Trump

WORLD |

Former ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley has taken a drastic step to try and win back ground in the Republican primaries against insurrection enthusiast Donald Trump by legally changing her name to ‘Other’.

The move was done after the candidate realised that the only thing that has kept her in the race at all is that her name isn’t ‘Donald Trump’ and wanted to show the Republican Party that she is firmly committed to not being Donald Trump.

“Our campaign team thought this was the best move going into the next primary,” she said, “it turns out the people who don’t like Trump also don’t like me. This change is so that when people are looking at the two choices of ‘Trump’ or ‘Other’, they can feel like they are voting against Trump instead of it being that they are voting for me.”

“I mean, it’s not like my polling numbers can get worse from here.”

The candidate formerly known as Haley has also made her husband change his name for the 2nd time in his life, this time to ‘Other’s Plus One’.

Concerned parents watching Australia vs Uzbekistan ask if there is a mercy rule in International Football

SPORT |

Breaking news as parents watching the Matildas take on Uzbekistan have used the half time break to ask if there is a mercy rule in international football.

“8-0 at half time is rough,” said one parent, “if I was a parent of the Uzbekistan team I would be shattered.”

“I mean I am proud of the girls obviously, but at what point does it become bullying?”

“If they wont call the game early they should at the very least let them get one in to lift their spirits.”

Guide: How many Women’s Day cupcakes female workers need to eat to make up for their pay gap

ADVICE |

For the first time ever the gender pay gap at many of Australia’s top employers have been released, just in time for International Women’s Day. While the numbers are shocking, we at The Chaser have a simple, practical solution for the pay gap: female workers eating enough of those condescending IWD cupcakes to eliminate the gap all together.

While the average employer will likely be allocating roughly 81% of a cupcake to every female employee on the day, we have figured out *roughly* how many cupcakes women would need to eat at their job or in their industry to make up for the gender pay gap.

These rough figures will be based on the figures shared for median pay by industry for men vs the median pay by women, divided by an estimated cost of $2.50 per cupcake (assuming that your company is buying them from a bakery and not just forcing their female workers to do some unpaid labour). With certain companies getting specific shout outs based on their pay gap vs the median pay in their industry.

Transport, Postal and Warehouse Industry:

The average female worker in this industry just needs to eat an estimated 8,000 of those delicious cupcakes this year to make up for the gap between their median pay and the median pay of men in their industry.

However specific shout out need to go to the women who work at the major airlines as they are going to need to be even hungrier at the IWD morning tea. With the approximate breakdowns per airline (assuming they pay around the industry median being):

QANTAS: 14,800 cupcakes

VIRGIN: 16,680 cupcakes

JETSTAR: 17,480 cupcakes

Make sure to eat those up quick before management cancels the cupcakes on you last minute and you have to reschedule them.

Financial and Insurance Industry:

The industry of money and planning, surely they would know better than to have a large pay-gap right? Well the average female worker there will need to eat 14,000 cupcakes next Friday during brunch to make up the difference. So if you work at a bank or insurance company, maybe skip breakfast that day.

For the biggest employers in the industry here are the stats:

NAB: 10,528 cupcakes

Westpac: 15,960 cupcakes

Commonwealth Bank: 16,744 cupcakes

Medibank: 10,808 cupcakes

BUPA: 18,872 cupcakes

If you work in the industry, make it a fun little race by calling your work’s support line and seeing if you can eat all those cupcakes while you wait on hold.

Retail Industry:

The retail industry is where the number of cupcakes plummets, because their underpaying of workers is far more across the board. With our estimated industry wide cupcake consumption being at around 2000 cupcakes. Which is something workers should take advantage of because right now most retail workers probably can’t even afford to buy 2 cupcakes let alone 2,000.

The retail breakdowns by company as follows:

Woolworths: 1,596 cupcakes

Coles: 1,568 cupcakes

Aldi: 1,484 cupcakes

Pandora: 14,644 cupcakes

City Chic: 11,844 cupcakes

If you a woman who works at Pandora you can swap out the cupcakes for the cupcake charms you sell to drastically reduce the number you need to eat, because a 52.3% median pay gap is a lot of ground to catch up.

Mining Industry:

The mining industry has the blessing of being the highest median earner of the bunch, with women and men earning more than any other industry. The industry wide figure for cupcake required is roughly 10,000 cupcakes.

The specific employer breakdowns are as follows:

Shell: 8,120 cupcakes

Rio Tinto:  9,540 cupcakes

BHP: 14,210 cupcakes

Woodside: 21,140 cupcakes

If anyone in this industry feels awkward about eating that many cupcakes, just remember that you pay tax and the bosses who bought the cupcakes earn unbelievably more than you do without doing any of the hard work and don’t pay tax. So you are doing the country a favour by fighting back.

Everyone else:

If you want to know more about your specific company, check out the offical stats and do the math yourself or just assume that you are owed more than the fucking cupcakes you are being given on International Women’s Day so you can just take them all.

Editorial Warning: Our lawyers and mathematicians want us to make it clear that these numbers are approximations made by comedians and are not verified by smart people. 

Doctor Warning: Healthcare professionals do not recommend eating thousands of cupcakes out of revenge in one sitting. Although that could just be that they want the cupcakes all to themselves.

Defiant Nikki Haley campaign refuses to quit, “we have tonnes of support from our voter”

WORLD |

Republican hopeful Nikki Haley has put out a statement saying she will not resign yet from the Republican Nominee race despite getting absolutely smashed by Home Alone 2 star Donald Trump.

“I will not go away easily,” said a defiant Haley, “my campaign is one of hope. Literally it’s the only thing we have.”

“We also have strong support from a voter. And we will not let Dale down by pulling out of this campaign early.”

“With policies like invading Mexico and declaring the entire country of China as a terrorist organisation, I will continue to try and out ‘Donald Trump’ Donald Trump. And you will soon see a big swing going my way, maybe even getting as high as a 4% of the vote in this two person race.”

In response to the results at every primary, concerned parents have called for a mercy rule to be instituted in the Republican Party system. “I would hate for my child to lose this badly in basketball, it’s only fair that this sort of rule is added to the primaries too. It’s just sad to watch unfold.”

 

‘Powerful’, Bob Katter holds moving anti-police protest

NATIONAL |

Powerful scenes in Parliament House as Bob Katter and Andrew Wilkie held a press conference protesting against police violence in Australia.

“This is one of the biggest issues in the country at the moment,” said Bob Katter while wearing an inflatable police uniform and holding a box of fake money to represent the over-funding of police, “feral pigs have caused devastating harm to communities around Australia and it’s time we take a stance.”

“I’ve heard many Australians saying that pigs don’t belong at Mardi Gras and I couldn’t agree more. Who on earth is going to keep them under control while the LGBGTQ community have their parade?”

“And to those saying Mardi Gras needs to be stopped, I say let them have their parade, let a thousand parades bloom for all I am concerned. But I ain’t spending any time on it because in the meantime, every three months, a person is torn to pieces by a crocodile in North Queensland!”

Police confused why they’re not being celebrated at traditional protest against police brutality

GENERAL NEWS |

A spokesperson for the NSW Police has been left dumbfounded after Mardi Gras organisers rescinded their invite to march in the parade that traditionally honours people who protested under intense police brutality.

“So much for inclusion,” said the police commissioner while wearing an upside pride flag pin, “do these people not realise that blue is a colour on the rainbow? Not being actively celebrated at this parade is the worst thing to happen to the Police community.”

“Blue lives matter as much as rainbow lives, we just have more power and the ability to shoot them. Truly we’re all equals as long as everyone obeys the laws we wrote down, and as long as we stay in a good mood.”

“These people seem more interested in accountability rather than celebrating that time we didn’t shoot them all, I mean whatever happened to letting the past stay in the past? These events the haters are hating us over happened were days ago, you can’t judge us for what we are doing this week.”

“I mean we barely kill any queer people anymore and we haven’t illegally strip searched festival going teenagers for ages, while there hasn’t been festivals. What more do you people want?”

The NSW government has responded the decision from Mardi Gras organisers by demanding a $200K ‘police cancellation’ fee to provide counselling for police who will be missing out on marching and instead will have to just join the rest of their police friends working that night to intimidate random parade goers.

Barnaby Joyce takes week off from Parliament to spend more time with footpath

NATIONAL |

Former Deputy Prime Minister and families man Barnaby Joyce has announced he will be taking a week of paid leave this week to re-evaluate his life choices and reconnect with the footpath next to the planter box.

This decision was made after discussions with the Nationals Party leader in order to try find the best way to pretend he is being held accountable for his actions.

“I’ve decided to take a break from my duties in Parliament,” said Barnaby on the way to the pub for breakfast, “this is about reconnecting with those who are there for me while I pick my next step. Like the floor where I fell over a step.”

“I am going to miss work but I need to make sacrifices for the good of the Australian public. But man, an entire week without access to the free booze fridges, Prayer Room or junior staffers I can stare at through the window in my office… it’s going to be really hard to step away from all that.”

Woolworths CEO regretting retirement as he now can’t afford weekly grocery shop

GENERAL NEWS |

Devastating news as Woolworths CEO Brad Banducci has immediately regretted announcing his retirement as he has been left unable to afford a regular weekly grocery shop at Woolies.

The poor bloke was seen putting back a bag of veggies after he looked at his bank account and remembered that he will no longer be pulling in the multi-million dollar salary needed to do a full grocery shop in 2024.

“This is outrageous” he screamed after realising the self-checkout machine was watching him like a hawk so he couldn’t say avocados were potatoes, “why are the prices at Woolies so high? How can anyone be expected to afford this? This shouldn’t be allowed!”

The devastating news didn’t just end there as he was also made to hand back his treasured Woolworths uniform after only getting to wear it once during the 4Corners interview.

Woolies CEO Brad Banducci asks if embarrassing retirement announcement can be taken off the record

BUSINESS |

Woolworths CEO and muppet James Bond villain, Brad Banducci has asked the media to treat his retirement announcement as ‘off the record’.

This request was made 30 seconds after announcing his retirement following a discussion with his media advisers who realised how embarrassing it would be to storm out of his job days after storming out of a 4Corners interview.

“You’re not going to use that right?” said the multi-millionaire. “Come on, I know the announcement of a CEO leaving the moment a government investigation into the company’s actions launches might seem newsworthy to you, but it would look bad for me so I assume we can just scrub the record on that right?”

“This is just basically me self-checking-out my career, what kind of monster would force a camera on someone while they self-checkout?”