A local bank has today rejected a family’s mortgage application, stating that it is simply inconceivable that the couple, who have been paying $1200 in monthly rent for the last 15 years, could keep up payments on a $1200 a month mortgage.
“It’s just not possible to service those two costs at the same time,” explained a bank spokesman today. “Now if there were some kind of magic way that this family no longer had to pay that huge amount in rent per month, well then maybe I’d be more lenient. But unless they purchase a house or something I’m afraid that will never be possible.”
Asked how exactly people are supposed to then save for a house given that rents are exploding, house prices have skyrocketed, and wages have remained stagnant for years, a representative for the Commonwealth bank said it was simple. “All you need to do is get a job where you get paid huge amounts of money even though you can’t do basic math, like say some kind of banking job, and you’ll be a millionaire in no time. It’ll be even easier if you rip off a few grandmas and deceased estates along the way.”
“And if you can’t do that well then I’m afraid you should have been smarter and bought housing 20 years ago when it was cheap. What do you mean you were only 10? God any excuse from you lazy millennials. Next you’ll be telling me you also weren’t smart enough to be handed a job and $5 million by your parents. It’s like you don’t even want to own a house!”
Prime Minister and DIY enthusiast Scott Morrison has been spotted at IKEA asking employees for advice on how to make a sturdy Cabinet after his last few attempts just keep falling apart.
“I have tried to follow the instructions but things just wont seem to hold together,” the self-declared handy-man said, “I don’t know what the issue is with this cabinet.”
“I swear it’s like the parts are faulty, it definitely isn’t my skills. No matter where I slot these things they still seem to not work and as soon I try to use the cabinet it just completely falls apart.”
“It’s not just this specific one, I have tried multiple brand new cabinets and something just goes wrong. They barely hold up long enough for my camera guy to take a picture of me with it.”
“I don’t know maybe there is just a few screws loose or something. Got any advice? I am desperate.”
New Liberal Party candidate Dodgy McGee has today thanked his colleagues for supporting his campaign to run for the seat of Swellam, before immediately stepping down to spend more time with his family.
“It just felt like the timing was right,” said McGee two minutes into his candidacy. “Spending those 120 seconds away from my kids just reminded me how much I want to see them again, at least until a private consulting firm comes along to offer me a cushy lobbying job.”
McGee also strongly denied that his resignation had anything to do with the body buried in his backyard being currently investigated by police. “I assure you that I am innocent on all charges,” insisted a blood soaked McGee at a doorstop today, “any suggestion that the collection of disembodied hands on my living room wall somehow connects me to this murder is defamation of the highest order, and I will see you in court.”
McGee was later arrested at the scene, after asking the police if they’d be willing to make the whole thing go away for a shiny new commuter carpark.
Alleged politician Christian Porter has resigned from parliament again, so the team take a look at what his respectable future might look might. Meanwhile, in celebration of National Disability Day, we have a very special interview with our writer John Delmenico, and it goes exactly as these interviews all should. Plus Lachlan’s reality TV career hits and abrupt halt.
Dylan Behan (News Fighters) joins Gabbi and Dom to take a look at the hot mess that was 2021. Dylan brings his twenty-one favourite news and media soundbites to sum up the last 12 months, and the team take a look back at what 2021 meant to them. Featuring journalist voice impressions, sexy monks, and green chutes, sit back and remember the year we all just scraped by.
Health Minister and man who hates rhyming slang Greg Hunt is retiring from politics to catch up on his backlog of unread emails from various pharmaceutical companies.
Hunt has assured the public that although he may have missed the odd important email from Pfizer during his time as Health Minister, he definitely responded to each individual text message from Craig Kelly.
While Labor argued that Hunt’s slow response to Pfizer delayed Australia’s vaccine rollout, his missed emails did not do serious damage to his reputation as Adele was not offended.
Despite his failings, Hunt will be warmly remembered as the most popular member of the Liberal Party to retire from politics this week.
Click play below to learn how one of our writers accidentally started a conspiracy over steak, how intern Lachie is planning to take down Beauty and the Geek from the inside, and to hear all the latest Chaser headlines.
Anthony Albanese is under renewed pressure this week, after being accused of having a “glass jaw” by a federal minister who recently sued an unemployed private citizen for a nasty tweet.
Defence Minister Peter “Boofhead” Dutton made the accusation in parliament yesterday, during a routine attempt to protect the Prime Minister from having to answer questions about his record.
Dutton, who has authorised AFP raids on journalists, is a senior member of a government that has just arranged for parliament to sit for as few days as possible, and who, as Leader of the House, regularly blocks the opposition’s attempts to debate government decisions, didn’t back down from the claims. “Look, you’ve got to have a thick skin in this business. Like I do. You think it bothers me when people call me a potato, or a monster, or Lord Voldemort, or… or… look, I’m not crying, okay, there’s just something caught in my eye!”
Mr. Dutton then had to rush back into parliament to vote for the new Anti-Trolling legislation, which will make it harder for anonymous people to say mean things on the internet.
Prime Minister of the boys club Scott Morrison has responded to the Jenkins Report into the workplace culture of Parliament House, by thanking former staffer Brittany Higgins for standing up against those who wronged her, like the Liberal Party.
The PM, who once spoke over a female colleague in order to deny that their was any workplace culture issues in Parliament House, was reportedly shocked by the report showing 51% of employees were bullied and 1/3 were sexually harassed, after only a full calendar year of discussions about the workplace culture in Canberra.
“Brittany Higgins has been a power force for standing up to the powerful,” said the PM after getting LNP members to stop barking at women. “I am so glad people are hearing her out, unlike certain groups who previously called her a lying cow.”
“I mean what next? Trying to dig up dirt on her partner to intimidate her or forcing her out of the job? I am thankful she would stand up to hypothetical people like that.”
When asked if he will enact the recommendations in the report like ‘no more getting blind drunk when voting’ and ‘no covering up rapes’, the PM said he would need to ask Jenny for advice to know whether such extreme measures might be appropriate.
Billboard connoisseur and “A Rational Fear” host Dan Ilic joins Gabbi and Dom to talk podcast awards in this Afternoon Edition. Dan trash talks our podcast for a while, and shares how esteemed the podcast awards are from the perspective of an award-winning podcaster. Plus an update on his JokeKeeper program and some hints at plans for future billboards!