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Piers Morgan celebrates return to News Corp by hacking a dead kid’s phone

GENERAL NEWS |

Professional tantrum thrower, Piers Morgan has today celebrated his return to News Corp with the launch of the company’s new TV station in Britain. The move is a homecoming for Morgan who has celebrated with a traditional round of hacking a dead child’s phone.

During his daily Twitter rant, Morgan announced he is thrilled to be back with the organisation after so long apart and that he is sick of ‘being silenced’ on his previous TV shows, radio shows and Twitter rants.

Morgan said he was excited to finally be back at a station where he won’t be accused of saying something horrifically racist or sexist just because he had a ‘different opinion’ which happened to be horrifically racist or sexist.

“Finally I get to go back to what I do best, it’s weird. At most places I have worked, the PC brigade refused to let me hack a dead kids phone. They wouldn’t even let me publish the voicemails left by the parents while he was considered missing. Now I can get back to real journalism.”

“Who knows maybe if things get really wild we might hack some grieving war widows as well? I haven’t done that in years. Oh actually, you know what we could do? These guys hate Meaghan Markle as much as I do, let’s hack her! Teach her for rejecting me at a bar, and no I am not still bitter about it!”

Daily podcast – What was Charles like 25 years ago?

PODCASTS |

Gabbi goes back in time to find out what The Chaser team were like 25 years ago, by reviewing the 1996 documentary ‘Uni’. What was university like in the 90’s? How did The Chaser come to be? And was Charles always the way he is? Answer all these questions and more in today’s episode. Plus Bec brings you all the latest Chaser news you can’t trust.

Scott Morrison launches inquiry to investigate whether there is a way to save Porter’s career

NATIONAL |

Prime Minister Scott Morrison shocked reporters yesterday by announcing that he is seeking advice about the million dollar blind trust payment made to Christian Porter. The PM later clarified that he is investigating the matter in order to try find a way to not punish Porter.

“It has never been my intent to cause any issues for Porter,” said the PM after a lengthy chat with Jenny, “clearly something has been lost in translation here. I am not here to perpetrator-blame.”

“Every media outlet sent my office an email yesterday morning asking whether receiving a massive anonymous donation was a fireable offense and we said we would seek advice on the issue. Somehow the media mistook my intentions as investigating him, that is completely wrong. It should be clear at this point that my intention is to find a way that it isn’t a fireable offence. We know it’s completely unethical but that doesn’t mean it’s over yet.”

“We will be taking this seriously. Unlike the other investigations we have done in the past, we actually want to find answers. We have begun tirelessly looking through every record to find a loophole and have begun preparations to find a female staffer or politician to take the fall if need be.”

“We are all hands on deck with this investigation, hopefully justice will prevail and the victim can get some rest, actually maybe we should give him some stress leave. Someone tell Porter to take some time off, he needs it.”

‘Oops’: Morrison thought he was ordering ‘new clear’ submarines, made of glass

NATIONAL |

Prime Minister and carbon emissions enthusiast Scott Morrison has formally apologised to the fossil fuel industry after he mistakenly ordered billions of dollars worth of nuclear submarines. The PM said the mistake occurred after he misheard the conversations with Johnson and Biden, which led him to believe he was buying ‘New Clear’ submarines that would be made entirely of glass.

“It has come to my attention that I have made a serious error,” said the PM while holding his comfort coal, “I never meant to commit to something that doesn’t emit carbon. I thought these were new state-of-the-art submarines made of glass so we can see all the wonderful fossil fuels at work.”

“If there is any solace for my mistake it is that uranium mining will be through the roof, the industry is about to blow up. I mean look on the bright-side, these things are only zero emissions after they are made, we can still destroy the planet while making them. As well as when the enemy destroys them.”

In response to the announcement; strategists have celebrated the move saying underwater vessels will become increasingly important as the sea levels continue to rise. France’s lawyers have also celebrated the opportunity to show Scott Morrison what happens when you don’t make good on a $90b contract.

Christian Porter demands his name be redacted from his coffee cup

GENERAL NEWS |

Christian Porter has caused a scene at his local coffee shop after he demanded that the barista redact his name from his coffee cup and that everyone in the coffee shop be barred from speaking to the press ever again.

The redaction enthusiast said he had nothing to hide and that he just liked redacting stuff for no reason whatsoever.

“I did not [redacted] the barista,” said Porter who strenuously denied he was getting a coffee to give him energy to hang out with junior staffers at a bar. “That is only an allegation and a defamatory one at that. I have a pristine reputation amongst the community once you overlook the [redacted], [redacted] and alleged [redacted]. I just followed proper procedure and if anyone thinks I was rude they can wait for a criminal case to decide that.”

“It was so weird,” said the barista after speaking to some barristers, “I have genuinely never seen that before. I mean it’s just a name, what is he trying to hide? Like, usually I get some annoyed looks at worst, but that’s mainly because I will intentionally find the weirdest spelling possible for a name just to mess with people, but I didn’t even do that this time since I didn’t want to risk being sued by him and then having him withdraw the lawsuit while claiming victory.”

A public safety warning has been put out urging all Australians to avoid being in close proximity with Porter, who many believe is a [redacted].

Daily podcast – The Christian Porter Film Festival

PODCASTS |

Charles tries to recruit Gabbi and Dom to judge his brand new short-film competition: The Christian Porter Film Festival, while Craig provides Christian Porter with some flawless legal solutions. Plus, Lachlan has accidentally begun a quest to become the most sponsored podcast host in Australia.

Prime Minister who said we can’t blindly trust Porter’s alleged victim blindly trusts $1m donation

NATIONAL |

Scott Morrison, who said it would be wrong to blindly trust Christian Porter’s alleged victim, has blindly trusted the intentions of an unnamed millionaire funding his lawsuit.

The comments come after it was reveal that the former Attorney General funded his lawsuit against the ABC in part with an anonymous million dollar donation through a blind trust.

Porter has strenuously denied all allegations made against him while also working strenuously to suppress documents produced by the ABC’s legal team about the incident being made public for some reason.

“What’s so weird about million dollar donations?” said the Prime Minister, who has not set up a Federal Anti-Corruption Commission despite promising at the last election to do so.

“It’s sort of like when you find a money in your couch and you don’t know who left it there, but it’s there so you may as well keep it. You wouldn’t question finding a million bucks in your couch cushions would you?”

In response to this, Porter has also spoken out. “I have nothing to hide, except for the defence mounted against me in my lawsuit and who funded my lawsuit. But at least I know my reputation with the public is intact!”

Daily podcast – Peg The Chaser

PODCASTS |

Fashion correspondent Vic Zerbst enlightens Dom and Charles with fashion news from the Met Gala, and also teaches them about pegging. The latest iPhone has been announced and Charles and Dom have mixed feelings, and Christian Porter provides full transparency on where his funding came from. Plus Aleksa has a depressing update on Afghanistan.

Tasmania quietly enacts plan to tow state over to New Zealand

NATIONAL |

In a decision that was widely protested by competitors of the Sydney to Hobart and nobody else, the state of Tasmania has today left the Commonwealth of Australia. Seeing that the rest of the country was wrapped up in their internal Covid spats, the island state reportedly seized the opportunity to make a break for New Zealand while nobody was looking, by attaching an outboard motor to the west coast and punting its way across the ditch.

Responding to complaints about the decision, the country’s smallest state revealed that it actually announced its plans to leave months ago, but nobody from the mainland had bothered to pay attention to what they were saying.

The decision to migrate the state to New Zealand reportedly came about due to their shared love of being forgotten on maps, their enthusiasm for sheep breeding, and their shared status as places that even COVID-19 would rather not visit.

“We just feel like we’ll get more respect here in New Zealand,” said a man who may or may not be the Premier. “Finally here we’ll get the attention we des… wait no where are you all going, I’m not done speaking yet!”

Residents of Tasmania have stated that by becoming New Zealand citizens, they are looking forward to Australia laying claim to them for the first time in history.

Update: New Zealand has decided against a union with Tasmania, though they have offered to keep the tiny bit of Hobart that contains good whisky distilleries and MONA.

Daily podcast – Oyama bin Skatin’

PODCASTS |

Nina skates onto the show with some totally tubular news from the radical world of skating with a hilarious personal anecdote, and Aleksa tries to convince Charles and Dom that North Korea are not planning on destroying the world – but can he be trusted? Plus Charles’ completely accurate predictions for the next iPhone.

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