Prime Minister Scott Morrison shocked reporters yesterday by announcing that he is seeking advice about the million dollar blind trust payment made to Christian Porter. The PM later clarified that he is investigating the matter in order to try find a way to not punish Porter.

“It has never been my intent to cause any issues for Porter,” said the PM after a lengthy chat with Jenny, “clearly something has been lost in translation here. I am not here to perpetrator-blame.”

“Every media outlet sent my office an email yesterday morning asking whether receiving a massive anonymous donation was a fireable offense and we said we would seek advice on the issue. Somehow the media mistook my intentions as investigating him, that is completely wrong. It should be clear at this point that my intention is to find a way that it isn’t a fireable offence. We know it’s completely unethical but that doesn’t mean it’s over yet.”

“We will be taking this seriously. Unlike the other investigations we have done in the past, we actually want to find answers. We have begun tirelessly looking through every record to find a loophole and have begun preparations to find a female staffer or politician to take the fall if need be.”

“We are all hands on deck with this investigation, hopefully justice will prevail and the victim can get some rest, actually maybe we should give him some stress leave. Someone tell Porter to take some time off, he needs it.”

Prime Minister and carbon emissions enthusiast Scott Morrison has formally apologised to the fossil fuel industry after he mistakenly ordered billions of dollars worth of nuclear submarines. The PM said the mistake occurred after he misheard the conversations with Johnson and Biden, which led him to believe he was buying ‘New Clear’ submarines that would be made entirely of glass.

“It has come to my attention that I have made a serious error,” said the PM while holding his comfort coal, “I never meant to commit to something that doesn’t emit carbon. I thought these were new state-of-the-art submarines made of glass so we can see all the wonderful fossil fuels at work.”

“If there is any solace for my mistake it is that uranium mining will be through the roof, the industry is about to blow up. I mean look on the bright-side, these things are only zero emissions after they are made, we can still destroy the planet while making them. As well as when the enemy destroys them.”

In response to the announcement; strategists have celebrated the move saying underwater vessels will become increasingly important as the sea levels continue to rise. France’s lawyers have also celebrated the opportunity to show Scott Morrison what happens when you don’t make good on a $90b contract.

Scott Morrison, who said it would be wrong to blindly trust Christian Porter’s alleged victim, has blindly trusted the intentions of an unnamed millionaire funding his lawsuit.

The comments come after it was reveal that the former Attorney General funded his lawsuit against the ABC in part with an anonymous million dollar donation through a blind trust.

Porter has strenuously denied all allegations made against him while also working strenuously to suppress documents produced by the ABC’s legal team about the incident being made public for some reason.

“What’s so weird about million dollar donations?” said the Prime Minister, who has not set up a Federal Anti-Corruption Commission despite promising at the last election to do so.

“It’s sort of like when you find a money in your couch and you don’t know who left it there, but it’s there so you may as well keep it. You wouldn’t question finding a million bucks in your couch cushions would you?”

In response to this, Porter has also spoken out. “I have nothing to hide, except for the defence mounted against me in my lawsuit and who funded my lawsuit. But at least I know my reputation with the public is intact!”

In a decision that was widely protested by competitors of the Sydney to Hobart and nobody else, the state of Tasmania has today left the Commonwealth of Australia. Seeing that the rest of the country was wrapped up in their internal Covid spats, the island state reportedly seized the opportunity to make a break for New Zealand while nobody was looking, by attaching an outboard motor to the west coast and punting its way across the ditch.

Responding to complaints about the decision, the country’s smallest state revealed that it actually announced its plans to leave months ago, but nobody from the mainland had bothered to pay attention to what they were saying.

The decision to migrate the state to New Zealand reportedly came about due to their shared love of being forgotten on maps, their enthusiasm for sheep breeding, and their shared status as places that even COVID-19 would rather not visit.

“We just feel like we’ll get more respect here in New Zealand,” said a man who may or may not be the Premier. “Finally here we’ll get the attention we des… wait no where are you all going, I’m not done speaking yet!”

Residents of Tasmania have stated that by becoming New Zealand citizens, they are looking forward to Australia laying claim to them for the first time in history.

Update: New Zealand has decided against a union with Tasmania, though they have offered to keep the tiny bit of Hobart that contains good whisky distilleries and MONA.