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The Chaser Report – Ep 17 – A message from Professor Trump

PODCASTS |

This week’s news is dreadful, so Charles brings us all the headlines from August 2019. Plus Nina gets her wisdom teeth out and Dom discovers Covid sniffer dogs – plus Rebecca De Unamuno with the latest Chaser breaking hogwash.





 

Western Sydney rap crew confirms masks have been mandatory since 2017

ENTERTAINMENT |

A Western Sydney drill collective has pointed out they have been wearing masks everywhere for the last three years. Penrith-based group RithGang also claimed to have been mainly working from their homes over the same period, and avoiding shaking hands in favour of other greetings.

A spokesman for the group said “Masks are a non-negotiable with us. You have to wear one to remain in the group, and out of a state-run institution with a small bed and bad food.”

From behind the designer face covering he said that, along with masks, everyone had to wear at least half a tracksuit – “It doesn’t matter which half” – and Nike TNs.

Questioned on the public’s response to the early adoption, he said “Sometimes people, like in banks and petrol stations, would ask us to take them off. But it’s safety first.”

“You always get idiots like the New South Wales Police that wish we wouldn’t wear them. But it’s a matter of self-preservation.”

Getting uncomfortably close to this Chaser reporter, he finished by saying “And covid can uck-fay off-yay too, the dog cunt.”

‘Being called a Karen is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced’ says woman coming to creeping realisation

GENERAL NEWS |

A woman offended by being called a Karen is experiencing a dawning realisation that she has had an incredibly easy life.

The epithet was directed at Caron Phelps after she refused to wear a mask while berating a minimum wage worker. It is not known who directed the slur. Suspects include anyone who has ever interacted with her.

Phelps said “All I said was ‘Where’s my fucking piccolo?’ When I heard ‘KAREN!’ my blood ran cold. Before that, the late piccolo thing was probably the worst thing to ever happen to me.”

Phelps described a shock followed by a creeping sense that, if this was her life’s nadir, she might have been born into exceptional, odds-beating privilege.

“It was strange,” she continued. “I started to experience – not a feeling, exactly – but a kind of thought. What if there were people who got talked down to and abused all the time? What if I was just incredibly lucky? What if I should recognise that and modify my behaviour accordingly?”

Phelps said she dismissed those thoughts and instead asked to talk to the manager.

Man fined for dipping into super forced to dip into super to pay fine

NATIONAL |

A man who withdrew superannuation without the proper approval has jumped right back in again to pay the fine. Carter Smeltz originally took $5,000 out to pay his tax bill, thinking that because it was his money that he had earned, then stored in an account that he had chosen, and then government had made it possible to withdraw from that account, he would not be penalised for it.

But Mr Smeltz blames himself for the error. “It was my fault for thinking my money was mine,” he said. “This was all explained in a series of impenetrable media releases during a time when the news was dominated by a global pandemic.”

“In hindsight, I should have simply kept track of the press briefings of Senator Jane Hume, the Assistant Minister for Superannuation. I bet you nobody else made such a rookie mistake.”

“I suppose if I had one argument it would be ‘If I had the money to pay a fine I wouldn’t have taken out any super in the first place, you dickheads’ but what’s done is done and I respect the ruling.”

“Luckily I’ve still got heaps of super left, so I’ll just grab a bit of that. And if I get fined again, I’ll just take more out. And if I get fined for that? Well, you guessed it.”

News Corp demands Dan Andrews end lockdown so they can go back to complaining he isn’t doing enough

NATIONAL |

Victorian Premier and lamest ever dictator Daniel Andrews, has unsurprisingly come under fire yet again from News Corp columnists today for his handling of the coronavirus pandemic. In today’s airing of grievances, News’s rabble of professional Karens have complained that Andrews’ new stage-4 lockdown allegedly could be dangerous to the profitability of the industry of writing clickbait rage articles attacking everything he does.

“This will destroy crucial Aussie work,” ranted one contributor, “work that is crucial so that I can buy a yacht! The nerve of Dictator Dan to impose such rules based on ‘expert opinions’ in order to ‘save lives’! What about my opinion? When do I get a chance to be heard? Never! What about my experts that think Premier Andrews should just open everything up and let people die so that millionaire executives don’t have to give up some of their bonuses? Why ignore them?

“As we said literally every moment we could, Stage 3 did not work and was not enough,” they continued, “but going into stage 4 is not the solution. By not opening everything back up, Dictator Dan is attempting to stifle media criticism by reducing the number of things we can criticise him for. But that won’t stop me from telling it like it is!”

“Here at News Corp we will do our best to constantly attack everything he does. This week we even managed to attack him for answering so many questions at his press conferences that journalists ran out of questions. The nerve of that guy. I mean would Tony Abbott do that? NO and he is perfect in every way! Also why hasn’t he accepted blame for Ruby Princess yet? I am so mad that I just spilled my coffee on myself, and I’m pretty sure that’s his fault too!”

In a matter of fairness, it should be pointed out that the News Corp audience may also claim that here at the Chaser we are unnecessarily harsh with our coverage of events. However, the difference is the Chaser produces jokes that are covering the news, as opposed to News Corp which produces news coverage that is a joke.

Team of Sydneysiders deployed to Melbourne to help them live in city with no nightlife

NATIONAL |

A SWAT team of Sydneysiders have been deployed to Melbourne overnight to help Melburnians adjust to what it’s like to live in a city where fun is banned.

Under Stage 4 restrictions, Melburnians are confined to their houses and unable to go out at night, which makes living in Melbourne almost exactly like living in Sydney during normal times.

The team of Sydneysiders were deployed after the Victorian government reported a surge in complaints from Melburnians that there was no night life anymore. “We had to act fast to find experts from somewhere that was used to leading an extremely uncultural, boring existence, with nothing to do at night,” Premier Daniel Andrews told reporters at his daily press briefing. “Essentially we had to find the worst city in the world. Turns out — it’s right here in Australia!”

But the Sydneysiders are struggling to understand some of the problems that Melburnians are facing. “We had to find out what they meant by ‘live music’,” said one mystified Sydneysider. “As soon as we found out, we had to explain to them that in some parts of the world, there’s no such thing as live music, nor whatever dancing is. We tried playing them the theme tune to Queen of the Nile instead, but they didn’t like it.”

The Sydneysiders have instead been teaching Melburnians displacement therapy to cope with their lack of anything interesting to do. “We’ve been concentrating on phrases like ‘well at least we’ve got a beautiful city’ and ‘actually our coffee is really good if you know where to go’ but none of it is working. If worst comes to worst, we can always just tell them that one of our biggest festivals is the Vivid Festival, and they’ll understand how lucky they are in comparison.”

Man that has always called kids too soft now throwing tantrum about wearing a bit of cloth

WORLD |

Local Facebook Boomer and full time contrarian Greg Neckvain has today lashed out at the NSW government for suggesting citizens cut back a bit on outings and wear facemasks to the shops.

“This is just like Stalinist Russia,” exclaimed Greg when told he probably shouldn’t be going to the packed pub every night without at least doing the bare minimum of putting a bit of cloth on his face. “It’s my basic human rights to put the lives of everyone around me at risk.”

“The problem is everyone today is too soft,” explained Greg. “Why, back in my day we didn’t have killer viruses. We just got on with life. And even though I didn’t live through either of the World Wars, the Spanish Flu, or an economic depression, I still like to think that my upbringing during the most prosperous period mankind has ever seen was unfairly tough, and that everyone born since the 90s are a bunch of snowflakes. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh yes, I am afraid of a piece of cloth.”

“Besides it only affects old people,” continued Greg, “being 55 that clearly doesn’t include me, and it only kills 1% of people who catch it, so that’ll only be like, 78 million people dead and 390 million people left with serious lifelong medical conditions if we don’t try to contain this thing and if everyone only catches it once despite immunity only lasting three months and the virus not being seasonal. But hey at the end of the day, if I die I die. Sure I’ll probably also infect others in the process, who will then continue to pass on the virus to others until thousands if not millions are dead because of my actions, but germ theory doesn’t apply to me because I’m convinced I’m the lead character in my life story which makes me invincible.”

“Anyway, I’m off to the shops. Gotta pick up some cold and flu tablets to deal with this nasty cough I seem to have picked up somewhere.”

Western Australia polishes up ceremonial guillotine to celebrate arrival of Clive Palmer

NATIONAL |

The West Australian government has today dusted off the official state guillotine for the first time in over 50 years, as part of a raft of celebrations planned to welcome Clive Palmer to the state.

“We’ll be giving him the full tour,” explained the Premier today. “Including a parade in an open topped car so the citizens can throw all sorts of things at him as he drives into town, from confetti, to ticker tape, to the occasional cinderblock.”

The celebrations will also include a live demonstration of how the guillotine used to operate using a cabbage and/or the head of any convenient billionaire that happens to be standing by. Though technically outlawed, the government say they are more than willing to take it up the use of the guillotine with the supreme court if necessary, as they think the ban probably won’t hold up in Clive’s case.

US bans Chinese social media app for acting too much like an American social media app

WORLD |

The Trump Administration has today unleashed their daily brainfart after announcing that the popular social media app TikTok would be banned as soon as Saturday, over fears the Chinese app was acting exactly like an American app.

“The government is using the popular social media app as an attractive front to gain access to your devices, after which they then gather every piece of data about you they can and send it to the government’s spy agencies,” explained the Chinese government when asked about Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat today. “And unlike TikTok none of those companies have volunteered to open up their source code for scrutiny.”

Asked why exactly he was proceeding with the ban when ByteDance was already in talks to sell the app to an American company, Trump explained that his concerns were purely about data, and in no way related to the fact that he’s a textbook narcissist who is now doing the textbook narcissist thing of lashing out and attacking a group that embarrassed him following his failed Tulsa rally last month. “Yes you see the app was clearly harvesting all your data,” explained Trump. “It’s crucially important the Chinese government doesn’t have access to a bunch of videos of teenagers dancing. That kind of critical data could be devastating in the wrong hands.”

Asked whether complaining about apps being used by governments to steal foreigners data was a bit hypocritical given the US government had famously been busted doing exactly that to every foreign citizen only 8 years ago, US government representatives asked journalists to stop asking such critical questions or their private nude pictures might mysteriously leak.

James Murdoch resigns to spend less time with family

WORLD |

Heir to the Murdoch fortune and least evil of the Murdoch children if you overlook the whole hacking into dead children’s phones thing James Murdoch has today resigned from the board of News Corporation over concerns that the company which has directly corrupted the democratic process across three continents might not be entirely good.

“I simply cannot stand by and watch what my father’s company is doing to America,” James is alleged to have told friends. “When he did it to Australia I was concerned, and when I was directly involved in manipulating the legislation of two governments in Britain I had some reservations, but this third time I’ve put my foot down.”

Asked what he will be doing with his free time, James said he will be seeking employment using the many skills and talents he possesses, and he is looking forward to no longer relying on nepotism to get a leg up. James was later seen in the queue at Centrelink filing for unemployment.

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