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The Chaser Report – Episode 6 – Back to School

With children in most states heading back to school, it’s time for gentle reflection about how, over the past few months, we’ve grown to despise our kids. Dr Dom Knight looks at hydroxychloroquine, while Andrew Hansen reviews the tunes about the pandemic that are targeted at toddlers. Plus we check in with Zoe Norton-Lodge about what it’s like to have a baby while in lockdown. All that plus the latest news you can’t trust from Rebecca De Unamuno in The Chaser newsroom.

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TRANSCRIPT

Rebecca De Unamuno:
In times like these, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
G’day, g’day, g’day, for another exhilarating episode of Australia’s longest running podcast, The Chaser Report. I’m Charles Firth and joining me today are Dom Knight and Andrew Hanson. There’s only one question on everyone’s mind today, isn’t there?

Dom Knight:
Yes. Why are you so high energy at the start of this podcast? What have you been taking hydroxychloroquine?

Charles Firth:
No. The cafes are reopening. In some states, kids are going back to school. Vaccine trials are looking good. I mean, there’s only one question on everyone’s mind, isn’t there?

Andrew Hanson:
Is there Charles? It’s not on my mind, Charles. What is the question?

Charles Firth:
The question is what’s your favorite forthcoming album of 2020?

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, that question. Yes, of course, of course. It immediately, of course, brings to mind the brand-new album of brilliant award-winning audio sketches from that hilarious comedy group Radio Chaser.

Dom Knight:
Are we still doing that?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. No, we’re doing an album. Yeah, it’s coming out on Monday, Dom. It’s coming out on Monday.

Dom Knight:
From the show that we did that finished last year already for network.

Andrew Hanson:
Shh, don’t talk about that part of it, there’s an album coming out on Monday.

Charles Firth:
Dom, it’s a hilarious album that’s clearly going to … only being produced so that we can win an ARIA award in the category of Best Comedy Album, which has no entrants every year.

Dom Knight:
Let me get it straight, we’re releasing an album during a pandemic when the shops are closed features sketches from our radio show that finished last year?

Charles Firth:
Yes, but Dom, it’s going to be available on the Apple Music Store, whatever it’s called, and it’s on Spotify right now.

Andrew Hanson:
Grab it on the Apple Music Store or whatever it’s called right now.

Charles Firth:
Anyway, it’s officially released on Monday and I’ve been crunching the numbers guys because it is a bit of a new world. We’ve done the whole streaming thing. It’s on Spotify and Apple Music and stuff like that. Get this, we get 0.0075 cents per play of the album.

Andrew Hanson:
I can feel it rolling in the dough.

Charles Firth:
I’ve done the calculations. Say we were to make $10 each out of this. Each, mind you, that’s like a beer.

Andrew Hanson:
[crosstalk 00:02:32] That’s pretty good. Just [inaudible 00:02:34] see the dollar signs in your eyes there, Charles. How many plays?

Charles Firth:
All we need is for 4,000 people to listen to all 101 tracks on the album.

Dom Knight:
Oh, well that’s-

Charles Firth:
And we’ll get $10.00 each!

Andrew Hanson:
There you go, 10 bucks coming in.

Dom Knight:
How many of the tracks feature Ariana Grande or Justin Bieber?

Charles Firth:
Look, I’m sure there’s one or two. You’ll have to listen to the whole album to find out, Dom.

Andrew Hanson:
Charles, what is the title of the album? If you’re going to plug the album, I think you probably need to explain what it’s called.

Charles Firth:
It’s called Radio Chaser, The Nonessential Collection.

Dom Knight:
Oh, that bit’s true.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. It really is nonessential listening in this time of need. Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you today. Dr. Dominic Knight is providing advice on hydroxychloroquine. Dom, you actually are a doctor, aren’t you?

Dom Knight:
Of creative writing, which makes me more qualified than Donald Trump.

Charles Firth:
And Andrew is looking at all great children’s songs that try to explain the pandemic to toddlers. But first, let’s head over to Rebecca De Unamuno in the Chaser World International Global Newsroom.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
A study out today has confirmed that the leading sign of psychopathy is keeping Vegemite in the fridge. Scientists say 10 out of 10 people who keep this spread in the fridge have either murdered someone or worked for a bank in the past five years. With the number of people working at home at an all-time high, accountants across the country are bracing for a tsunami of bullshit come tax time. The Australian tax office has reported a 2,000% increase in the number of people trying to claim wear and tear on their toaster as a legitimate tax deduction.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
A woman has spent yet another wonderful 30 minutes talking to the top of her parent’s heads on FaceTime to obey. The rules of social distancing, Gretel McManaman has replaced regular face-to-face coffee dates with her aging parents with half-hour sessions telling them how to angle their phone away from the light fittings. Speaking on condition of anonymity, McManaman’s father, William, told The Chaser Report that they actually knew how to set up the camera properly, but they just didn’t want their daughter to see them drinking wine at 11:00 a.m.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
A woman has spent yet another wonderful 30 minutes talking to the top of her parents’ heads on FaceTime to obey the rules of social distancing Gretel McManaman has replaced regular face-to-face coffee dates with her aging parents with half-hour sessions telling them how to angle their phone away from the light fittings. Speaking on condition of anonymity, McManaman’s father, William, told The Chaser Report that they actually knew how to set up the camera properly, but they just didn’t want their daughter to see them drinking wine at 11:00 a.m. That’s The Chaser Report headlines, news you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
Thanks Rebecca. Hey, Bec, have you tried hydroxychloroquine?

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Yeah. It totally works.

Charles Firth:
Oh, really?

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Yeah. I’ve been taking it for the past week and I haven’t got malaria. It’s amazing.

Charles Firth:
Oh, that’s great news!

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Striving for mediocrity, in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
The brilliant news about this week was that as from next Monday, children are going to go back to school full-time in New South Wales.

Dom Knight:
Congratulations, Charles.

Charles Firth:
It’s been a long haul.

Andrew Hanson:
You look kind of happy about this, Charles. Is it related? You don’t happen to have kids, do you?

Charles Firth:
I’ve got a bloody nine year old and 11 year old and I am sick of them. I am sick of them. They can go home. No, they should not go home, they should go to school and bloody start learning again instead of just pretending to learn and just slacking off the whole time. My God, they are shit. They are shit. I hate them. Good riddance to them.

Dom Knight:
The poor man.

Andrew Hanson:
I love how your first instinct there was to say, “They should go home.” I mean, you’ve gone so insane that you think you’re living in some weird factory.

Charles Firth:
Well, we have actually been setting it up that so whoever’s doing the homeschooling that day, because we swap it around. If you did it full-time, you’d go insane. You’d lose-

Dom Knight:
Evidently.

Charles Firth:
… your mind. But whereas I’m very measured and sane in my [inaudible 00:06:50]. No, but the way we do it is that whoever’s the teacher the other person is the principal for that day. You play the role of principal and you come in and you pretend to know the kids’ names and things like that occasionally and then-

Dom Knight:
What?

Charles Firth:
… give them some treats and [crosstalk 00:07:06].

Dom Knight:
It sounds awfully elaborate.

Andrew Hanson:
It does. It’s starting to sound like a weird sort of cult or something. There’s not a priest role involved in this as well is there? I mean, what-

Charles Firth:
Well, yeah. No, this is a strict Catholic school, Andrew, at your place.

Dom Knight:
And the principal caned the children.

Charles Firth:
Well, not legally. But yes, of course, that happens every day.

Dom Knight:
How many principals have you had to move to another parish?

Charles Firth:
Oh, yeah. We’ve had to … Unfortunately, because of lockdown, it’s been very hard to move on irresponsible principals, but yes. This is getting very dark and very weird.

Andrew Hanson:
Well, like your homeschooling situation. I mean, it is dark and weird. If you’re role-playing the parts of various different schools, but who’s the sexy librarian? Have you got one of those in the house?

Charles Firth:
Oh, well my … I originally got one like six weeks ago, but then my wife objected to that so we had to get rid of her.

Dom Knight:
This is really making me appreciate teachers and what they do. The idea of your children not going to you all day for guidance. I think that’s a very good system.

Charles Firth:
I know. Exactly. Well, this is the whole thing about it though is that you’ve actually got to … You got to perform as a teacher because there is a bit of a competition going on because what if you’re not the best teacher in the school. You always want to be the favorite teacher, right? And yet, you’re competing directly with the person who also happens to be your partner. You’ve got to mix it up, you’ve got to be a little bit funnier than the other one. You got to be the one who gives more treats and stuff like that if they do good work and stuff like that. I did actually a little bit of market research because I thought well, it’s the end of the seven weeks, I should ask [Hartley 00:08:49] who’s my oldest son, he’s 11 years old, what he thought of the time. Who won? Was it me or was it his mom? Who’s your favorite teacher mom or me?

Hartley:
It’s got to go down to the day. If you were having a grumpy day and mom is also having a grumpy day I’d much rather have mom.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. There you go. Clearly the winner because I didn’t think I would have a grumpy day. I did ask … I just wanted to clarify what happens on un-grumpy days.

Hartley:
But if you were having an un-grumpy day and mom was also having an un-grumpy day it would lean more towards you.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. See? That totally means that I win because I’m always charming and wonderful, as you know.

Dom Knight:
I don’t want to pop your bubble, but at the start of this segment it was pretty clear that homeschool was a grump inducing experience for your child, but I think that’s like the most grumpy I’ve ever heard you.

Charles Firth:
There are also some decent advantages. There are some real decent advantages. I don’t know whether you’ve noticed guys, but I’ve been slacking off for the last seven or eight weeks. I’ve hardly done anything and it’s because homeschooling provides you with the perfect excuse to just not do any work because it’s the perfect thing. You just say, “Oh no, sorry, I can’t make that meeting I’m homeschooling that day. Oh no, sorry, I just can’t literally do any work that day I’m homeschooling.”

Dom Knight:
Everyone’s saying, “Oh, you can’t have homeschooling.” Why don’t you tell everyone that you’re homeschooling your kids when you’re not?

Charles Firth:
I did. That’s what I’ve been … Yeah, that’s why-

Dom Knight:
No, but from now on. Why don’t you say, “Look, we like it so much we’ve taken our kids out of school, we’re keeping on homeschooling them.”

Charles Firth:
Yes.

Dom Knight:
And that way not only will no one ever expect you to do anything, but we’ll all think you’ve become a really just nutter.

Charles Firth:
It’s also a perfect excuse for me to be just grumpy the whole time.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Dom Knight:
Now onto Charles. As you know for quite some time Donald Trump has been touting this drug called hydroxychloroquine as a magic cure for COVID-19 and it is a magic cure for malaria and lupus, but for COVID-19 no proof at all that it works. You’ve heard about this, right?

Andrew Hanson:
Oh yeah, absolutely. Not just touting it, but guzzling it I understand.

Dom Knight:
Well, that’s true. This is what he said this week. It was quite a bombshell in a press conference.

Donald Trump:
I happen to be taking it.

Reporter:
Hydroxychloroquine?

Donald Trump:
I’m taking it, hydroxychloroquine.

Reporter:
Right now?

Donald Trump:
Right now, yeah.

Reporter:
Yeah, when?

Donald Trump:
A couple of weeks ago started taking it?

Reporter:
Why?

Donald Trump:
I’ve heard a lot of good stories.

Dom Knight:
He’s heard a lot of good stories. What do you think these good stories might be, guys?

Andrew Hanson:
Well, I mean, you do don’t you? All I hear all day is people’s good stories about taking hydroxychloroquine. That’s what we’re all talking about isn’t it?

Dom Knight:
Yeah. There are storytelling nuts out there that you can go to where the people share their joy that they’ve had on it. If you tune to his favorite station Fox News you would’ve heard a story that wasn’t quite so good. Here is a presenter by the name of Neil Cavuto.

Neil Cavuto:
If you are in a risky population here and you are taking this as a preventative treatment to ward off the virus it will kill you. I cannot stress it enough. This will kill you.

Andrew Hanson:
Well, it’s not all bad news then that he’s taking the drug. I mean-

Charles Firth:
Yeah. This is why I sort of … I can see only upside. I have a feeling this drug may actually just cure the 2020 election by itself. It is the miracle cure we’re looking for.

Andrew Hanson:
What else is he doing to protect himself? Is he shooting himself in the head every night? What other measures or safety measures does he got in place here?

Dom Knight:
That’s a very good question. But look, Trump is not wired at all. He thinks it’s absolutely fine that he’s taking this weird lupus drug.

Donald Trump:
If it’s not good I’ll tell you, right? I’m not going to get hurt by it. It’s been around for 40 years.

Dom Knight:
The President of the United States says that look, if a drug’s been around for a while it’s fine, you can just take it. It doesn’t matter. It’s completely safe. Based on that logic of the leader of the free world, what prescription drugs would you like to take? Just any, any you like.

Charles Firth:
Well, it’s got to be Oxycontin. If I’m allowed to just take a drug-

Andrew Hanson:
It’s been around for years Charles, it’s fine. But I’d go further than 40 years. Why not drugs we’ve had for centuries? We should all be on opium. I reckon that’ll get us through.

Dom Knight:
I’ve got a list here of the actual side effects of this drug from WebMD. I’m going to read them to you and let me know if you think he’s experiencing any of them now that he’s on this drug. Hair loss?

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, hello? I can see that on Charles as well. Yes. Yeah.

Dom Knight:
Yes.

Andrew Hanson:
That’s right.

Dom Knight:
Also, hunger. Hunger’s very common.

Andrew Hanson:
Well, he’s not into stopping into Macca’s every so often isn’t he?

Dom Knight:
That checks out. Sudden weight gain, probably associated with the hunger.

Charles Firth:
Has he had that? I haven’t seen a before and after shot of Trump.

Dom Knight:
It’s more permanent than sudden. What about swelling of the face?

Charles Firth:
That would be great if that happens. That’ll be really good.

Dom Knight:
Surely, that’s happened long ago. What about muscle wasting?

Charles Firth:
Really?

Andrew Hanson:
I’m sure he’s a strong man isn’t he? Except for the hands, I suppose. Well, it could explain the hands.

Dom Knight:
Okay. What about confusion?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. He probably got it.

Andrew Hanson:
God, he’s definitely on this thing, isn’t he?

Dom Knight:
Difficulty reading.

Charles Firth:
We mentioned that before, that one checks out too.

Dom Knight:
All right. One of these I’m making up. See if you can pick it. Yellowing skin.

Andrew Hanson:
Yeah. That’s the you made …

Charles Firth:
Is that the one you made up?

Dom Knight:
It is absolutely true.

Charles Firth:
Oh, wow.

Dom Knight:
It causes yellowing skin. What about bleached hair?

Andrew Hanson:
No, it doesn’t cause that, it’s stupid.

Dom Knight:
It’s also on the list.

Charles Firth:
It’s true. Oh my God.

Andrew Hanson:
Bleached hair?

Charles Firth:
Bleaches your hair. What?

Dom Knight:
We’ve heard of this before. What about mental problems?

Andrew Hanson:
No.

Charles Firth:
It’s just definitely true.

Andrew Hanson:
Yeah.

Dom Knight:
What about insane hatred of Barack Obama?

Andrew Hanson:
Yup, I’d say that’d be one of the side effects.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
This show is sponsored by Australian Barley. We’ve got $200 million worth of the stuff that China won’t buy, so we’re having a bit of a barley sale on today. Half price, only $90 per metric ton.

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, what a bargain Charles. What a bargain. I love barley. It’s got to be one of my favorite members of the grass family I’d say.

Dom Knight:
Oh, it’s so versatile, isn’t it guys? If I had a herd of cattle I’d be buying it up to feed them. I might even buy a herd of cattle just to take advantage of this special-

Andrew Hanson:
Absolutely, Dominic. Dominic, not just cattle, a brewery. If I owned a brewery, I’d be snapping up some extra barley or a whiskey distillery, absolutely.

Charles Firth:
Absolutely. Get on the deal. Snap up some barley today. Remember to mention you heard about it on The Chaser Report and get in quick. There’s only 1.1 million metric tons of the stuff to get rid of.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news you know you can’t trust.

Andrew Hanson:
Now, Dominic, Charles you guys are parents like me. I don’t know how you’re going with explaining this whole coronavirus thing to your kids. Last week I battled through some children’s books that have been released to try and help explain this situation to our little ones. Coronavirus messaging for kids, it’s a tricky one. Did you know that kids’ musicians have also lept into the fray? They have indeed and they’ve got some coronavirus songs especially for kids.

Dom Knight:
Oh, right.

Andrew Hanson:
So if we could take a look at them. Look at them.

Dom Knight:
It’s not good news.

Andrew Hanson:
I’m sure you didn’t have enough children’s songs in your life.

Dom Knight:
Just to add to the suffering in the world right now.

Andrew Hanson:
That’s right. Well, let’s begin with the big name, The Wiggles. Domi, do you want to take a guess at the title of the new Wiggles song about the coronavirus?

Dom Knight:
I feel looking back at the origins how about Old MacDonald Ate A Farm? A lovely story about a pangolin and-

Andrew Hanson:
Not bad guess, but not correct. Charles, do you want try? Wiggles song about the coronavirus.

Charles Firth:
I don’t know. I was going to say Hot Corona. You know it’ll be like hot, hot bat soup, hot bat. No, I’m terrible. I don’t know.

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, not a bad guess. Now look, actually the new Wiggles song is … It’s actually not as metaphorical as you might think. The new Wiggles song is called this-

Speaker 10:
(singing)

Andrew Hanson:
Social Distancing is the title of the song and, of course, it is about Emma’s attempts to socially distance herself from Lachy.

Dom Knight:
There are two words that preschoolers definitely understand, social and distancing. Well done, Emma.

Charles Firth:
What was the line at the end?

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, the line at the end. What was it? Stay at home to save the world. Keeping safe all the boys and girls. Something like that.

Charles Firth:
Oh, okay.

Andrew Hanson:
Something like that. Anyway, I should be more familiar with it because I’m very familiar with The Wiggles Songbook.

Charles Firth:
Is this going to enter the [Canon 00:18:10] for The Wiggles, Andrew? Is this-

Andrew Hanson:
[inaudible 00:18:12]. It is canonic. I mean, it’s written and performed by The Wiggles, Charles. It’s now part of the official Wiggles history. I reckon they’ll be opening the gigs to the 100 people that Scott Morrison thinks are going to be packing theaters by July. They’ll be opening with social distancing I reckon. It’s funny you should say that about the Canon though because I noticed and only a dad would notice this, which is why I want to put the question to you guys. This song is almost identical to an existing Wiggles song, which is also about science except with different words. Charles, do you want to take a guess? Which branch of science is the older Wiggles song about?

Charles Firth:
I don’t know. Is it medical science maybe?

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, close. Domi? Domi, the original Wiggles.

Dom Knight:
I was thinking medical science. I was thinking intensive care medicine and Wake Up Jeff!

Charles Firth:
Doctors, doctors, we can’t wake Jeff up.

Andrew Hanson:
Well, no, let’s hear it. I don’t know if you’re going to remember social distancing. Social distancing. Well, the older Wiggles science song is, of course, this classic.

Speaker 11:
(singing)

Charles Firth:
Meteorology. Look, my kids were very big fans of The Wiggles for many years and we never got deep enough into the catalog to hear Meteorology.

Andrew Hanson:
Really?

Charles Firth:
I think that was an unfair question, Andrew.

Andrew Hanson:
They should’ve adapted a classic like maybe Toot Toot, Chugga Chugga, Big Red Ambulance. Look, Charles, I’m surprised your kids don’t want to be meteorologists when they grow up because of that. Admittedly, that is a deep cut. It’s not one of the singles. The Wiggles, they’re not the only kids’ musicians making virus awareness songs. One of the most infectious virus tracks, I guess I could say, comes from the artist Dee Dee and Friends. It goes like this.

Dee Dee and Friends:
(singing)

Andrew Hanson:
Question for you, Charles, virus is what? Can you tell me? What’s the next part of the song? Can you tell me? Virus emergency? Virus is what?

Charles Firth:
It’s something you can’t see or something.

Andrew Hanson:
Not bad, not bad. I mean, you’re going to think these songs are designed to calm children down and just make them feel that everything’s going to be okay. Dom, what do you think?

Dom Knight:
I’m thinking virus is created in a top secret CIA lab.

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, that wouldn’t be very comforting for kids. Let’s just hear what the rest of the clip is to make your kids feel better about the whole thing.

Dee Dee and Friends:
(singing)

Charles Firth:
It’s attacking. Oh, great.

Andrew Hanson:
It’s a good one to play for your kids if they’re a little bit worried. Now, moving genres now. A pair of doctors have released, of course they have. In America, but of course they’ve released a coronavirus rap. Check it out.

Speaker 13:
(singing)

Andrew Hanson:
Question for you, Dom and Charles, while you’re rapping, if you need a mask then what? You’re fucked because Donald Trump’s in charge of the supply chain.

Dom Knight:
There are no masks. That’s great. They’re all going to dance.

Andrew Hanson:
It’s the kind of thing a rapper would say I suppose, right? Charles, what do you reckon the rappers are going to advise? If you need a mask-

Charles Firth:
Just ask, surely.

Andrew Hanson:
Hey, let’s reveal the answer.

Speaker 13:
(singing)

Andrew Hanson:
Yeah, Charles Firth.

Charles Firth:
Donald Trump did that.

Andrew Hanson:
Just ask.

Charles Firth:
Hey!

Dom Knight:
Yeah, they say COVID-19 affects the brain and I think those doctors have got it.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
None of the medical advice contained in The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
Okay. Now, guys we’ve got a very special guest on the phone line. Andrew and Dom have both been complaining enormously about what it’s like to have little kids while under lockdown. I thought we should get Zoe Norton Lodge to join us. Zoey, are you there?

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Yeah, I’m here.

Charles Firth:
You’ve got a baby under lockdown. What is that like? Dom and Andrew have just been complaining incessantly about oh how terrible it is to look after little toddlers, whatever. How old is your baby?

Zoe Norton Lodge:
He’s 15 weeks.

Charles Firth:
Basically, he only knows life under lockdown?

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Yeah, he does. He literally only knows life under lockdown. When he was born he was actually in personal lockdown because he’d been in the little baby ICU for a little while. He’s totally fine now. But because of that he was in baby lockdown for the first six weeks. He hadn’t seen anyone. He hadn’t really had cuddles with people. His deadline was up and literally the next day we all went into lockdown. He’s literally-

Charles Firth:
Oh my gosh.

Zoe Norton Lodge:
… emerging from lockdown for the first time now. He’s probably going to be a mess, totally unsocialized. No idea. Who knows? We’ll find out. We’ll find out the hard way.

Charles Firth:
What’s it been like?

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Well, look, I also have a two year old at home, so it’s been quite wild, but I think that the decision to have a baby just shy of two years apart is so mad that adding a pandemic to it, I’m not sure what difference it made. We were sort of prepared for it to be completely insane. Lucky I have incredibly low standards as a parent to begin with. [inaudible 00:23:49] like, oh don’t worry about it if you’re watching a bit more TV or eating a bit more crap. Don’t make it hard on yourself. I’m like, “Oh don’t, I shouldn’t take that advice because I’m so bad already.”

Zoe Norton Lodge:
One of my kid [inaudible 00:24:00] catchphrases at the moment is, “Mom, off TV, off.” Oh okay, are you sure you don’t want to watch another Sarah and Duck? He’s like, “Off TV.” And I started … I was about to throw away a cardboard box, but some stuff had come in and he was like, “No mama, this make beautiful road,” and he unassembled the box and made it like it had bends and dips in it and a tunnel and he made himself a little thing to play with and he plays with it for now. I was like, “Look, I’m dreadful, but he’s quite resilient.”

Charles Firth:
I realized the other day that my two year old knows every one of the 70 episodes of Bluey. You scroll through the menu and she knows the titles from the little photo. That’s how bad a parent I’ve been to my two year old during lockdown.

Zoe Norton Lodge:
No, don’t. The thing is that’s Bluey, like that’s nutritional. We try with Bluey, but we would up with like cars. Like this [inaudible 00:24:51], oh God, I don’t even know what it’s called. It’s like a show that involves cars that are also dinosaurs. It’s like the most boyish [crosstalk 00:24:57], terrible thing I’ve ever seen. You’ve got girls, you don’t understand. Guys, you don’t understand.

Charles Firth:
You’re not showing your kid [crosstalk 00:25:06] The Cars That Ate Paris, are you? The Peter Weir film.

Zoe Norton Lodge:
That will be next. I tried Herbie actually probably [inaudible 00:25:13] in April. I thought it was going to be a real treat. It was shit.

Charles Firth:
What’s wrong with it?

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Okay. It’s that he’s two and I’ve got zero interest in cars and it was a weird 80s film. I think it was a bad choice all around why it didn’t work for our family, so maybe I’m being a bit harsh on it, but it didn’t go down particularly well.

Charles Firth:
Well, thank you very much Zoe. I think you’ve put us all at ease and made us feel like we’re much better parents than you. Thank you.

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Yeah. No, look, anytime you want to feel better about … We didn’t even talk about my drinking, so there you go.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. I know. We’re going to get you back.

Zoe Norton Lodge:
Next time.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Charles Firth:
One of the great things about having a trade war with China is that we get to keep all the stuff that they refuse to buy from us.

Andrew Hanson:
Exactly. It’s a bonanza.

Charles Firth:
It’s fantastic. Like, for example, Australia now has 1.1 million metric tons of barley that China won’t buy.

Andrew Hanson:
Oh, that is such great news. If I owned a cattle ranch or industrial bakery or major brewery or a barley sugar plant I’d be so happy right now.

Charles Firth:
Check out Australian Barley today at escanbarley.com.au/chaserreport and we’ll send you 20 metric tons of barley absolutely free.

Andrew Hanson:
Great offer.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, less news, more often.

Charles Firth:
All right guys, well we’re almost at the end of the show. Wait a minute, there’s breaking news from Rebecca De Unamuno in the Chaser newsroom.

Andrew Hanson:
Again? The sixth episode in a row. Why does the news always break at this point in the podcast? How can it be?

Charles Firth:
Just incredible. Rebecca, what’s going on?

Rebecca De Unamuno:
New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern has doubled down on her campaign to promote tourism between New Zealand and Australia declaring that it came with huge advantages that would see both their economies boom. A spokesperson for Scott Morrison said he is waiting to find out what the hell she said before he responds to her comments. Back to you.

Charles Firth:
Oh, well that is amazing breaking news. Thank you very much. Now, check us out chaser.com.au. Remember to subscribe to us on Facebook, Twitter and TikTok and please subscribe to us in the Apple Music App or the Apple Podcast App, whatever it is, the Apple one, because that’s the only metric that matters apparently.

Andrew Hanson:
Usually podcasts on the podcast app is much better for podcasts. The music app, I find is less good for podcasts or indeed any other thing.

Dom Knight:
It’s good for music.

Charles Firth:
Anyway, we’re going to leave you now with a very special preview for an ad for the Albanese.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, now with extra whispers.

Charles Firth:
Are you sick of opposition ladies that just oppose, oppose, oppose? No? Why not try the Albanese?

Speaker 15:
The what?

Charles Firth:
The Albanese. It’s a whole new way of being opposition leader where you don’t oppose anything whatsoever.

Speaker 15:
What?

Charles Firth:
Foreign relations.

Speaker 16:
The coalition and labor have been at one. We have had the same position on those matters.

Charles Firth:
Trade.

Speaker 16:
We’ve also supported the Australian government taking China over this issue to the WTO.

Charles Firth:
But what about coal, I hear you ask? Scott Morrison loves his coal, but only an Albanese can link it to national pride.

Speaker 16:
Much of our coal is much better quality than is available from the alternative.

Charles Firth:
But hang on, I hear you say, what about a coal labor issue like Jobseeker?

Speaker 15:
Yeah.

Charles Firth:
Surely Albanese thinks it should be set at a level where people have enough to live on you’d think.

Speaker 16:
Well, we’d need to get people that deliver.

Speaker 15:
Oh, great. What a relief.

Charles Firth:
Not so fast, why not ask him whether he supports that level.

Speaker 16:
Now, I don’t think it should be kept at the level where it is.

Charles Firth:
Oh, the Albanese, an opposition leader so opposed to opposing you won’t even notice he’s there.

Andrew Hanson:
Sorry, who was it again?

Speaker 17:
No one would object to that.






 

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