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The Chaser Report – Episode 4 – The Joy of Nose Sex

Dom gets tested for Covid, which sounds delightful if you’re into shoving sticks up your nose. Andrew looks at how to explain to your kids the coronavirus without leaving them with lifelong PTSD. And we look at the conspiracy theories about Covid that are too weird even for YouTube. Plus, Australia’s favourite satirist Mark Humphries chats to the team about his decision to move house without the help of removalists. All that, plus the latest news you can’t trust from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser World International Global news room.

Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.

Transcript

Rebecca de Unamuno:
In times like these, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it. Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
Welcome to The Chaser Report for another week. I’m Charles Firth, and joining me today are Dom Knight and Andrew Hansen. And Dom, I believe you got tested for COVID this week. What was that like?

Dom Knight:
I did. It was a wonderful service. I just drove up to a nearby car park and you cue in the car. And I don’t know if you’ve ever picked your nose, but I regularly do. And the test is kind of like, it’s a cotton bud on a very, very long stick and they push it all the way up your nose, all the way to the back. So it feels like it’s touching your brain. It tickles and feels deeply uncomfortable. Then they take it out and you’ve done your test. So what it is second most uncomfortable drive through experience after my last Filet-O-Fish.

Charles Firth:
My wife actually got tested. Instead, it was actually like having no sex but not in a good way. Let’s just say it is a very deep penetration. Andrew, have you been tested?

Andrew Hansen:
Well, no but no. Well, I won’t know because I was hoping that I’d go along and it would be like having fantastic no sex, but now that I’ve heard that it’s the not good version of no sex, I’m less clean.

Charles Firth:
Coming up-

Andrew Hansen:
I didn’t even use a nose condom.

Charles Firth:
Coming up in the show, we’re going to chat with Mark Humphries. He moved house this week and we’ll find out what it was like doing that on the lockdown. Andrew looks at COVID propaganda targeting our kids and Dom is going to have a look at the conspiracy theorist that are too hot even for YouTube. But first, let’s head over to Rebecca de Unamuno for the latest Chaser news headlines.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
Good news for people trying to access government support with Centrelink announcing a plan to address soaring demand for their services by investing in a second phone. Mr. Morrison said that the measure was only temporary and that Centrelink would go back to just a one phone as soon as the crisis was over. The new phone is being installed by the NBN and is expected to be operational by the time everyone no longer needs to call Centrelink anymore.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
Experts have warned that the death toll from stampede to the pub once locked down restrictions are loosened, could exceed the toll from COVID-19. One scientist said that while Australia’s death toll has thankfully been low, his model shows that the rush to the pub is likely a fucking bloodbath that makes the running of the bulls in Pamplona looked like a ferret race.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
A government minister who forgot to declare to parliament that he owned a million dollar house has luckily still remembered to negatively gear it. Peter Dutton said he was mystified why he was paying so little tax despite earning a huge parliamentary salary and then he remembered he owned a shit ton of investment properties. Mr. Dutton said he was sure of forgetting about owning a house was common experience, that ordinary Australians could relate to. Dutton now owns eight houses, which is seven more than he needs and eight more than anyone under 30.

Charles Firth:
Thanks, Bec. Hey, Bec, have you tried injecting bleach to cure coronavirus yet?

Rebecca de Unamuno:
No, I haven’t, but my friend did.

Charles Firth:
Oh, yeah. Did it work?

Rebecca de Unamuno:
Well, they’re dead, but they don’t have corona anymore.

Charles Firth:
Oh, well, there you go. Food for thought.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Dom Knight:
All right, Charles and Andrew, let me blow your mind. What if COVID-19 was caused by 5G mobile phone transmitters? It definitely wasn’t. It was created by a lab in China with the CIA, but what if it was. Actually, we can put it more dramatically than this. Here is sports commentator turned reality expert David Icke.

David Icke:
There is no COVID-19. It doesn’t exist.

Dom Knight:
It doesn’t exist.

Charles Firth:
It doesn’t exist.

Dom Knight:
Now look, some call him a conspiracy theorist. He’s not the only one who sees this link.

David Icke:
In this period of running up to this virus, we’ve had the introduction in more and more places of 5G.

Dom Knight:
Yes, it’s true. Is it a coincidence? Yeah, obviously. But it’s a popular coincidence. Hippies in Byron have been protesting about all this. And in the UK, people are so angry about 5G that they’re actually burning down mobile phone antennas. They’ve burnt down half a dozen so there’s no signal. It’s just like being connected to Vodafone here. So look, in response to all of this, YouTube has banned David Icke’s channel. Spotify has taken down the very podcast I’m playing these clips from.

Charles Firth:
Because they don’t want you to know the truth, Dom.

Dom Knight:
Well, that’s the thing. David predicted all this, Charles. Because it’s all part of the sinister cult that runs the world and wants to use 5G to control us.

David Icke:
What they’re doing while people are locked away is they’re putting 5G into schools. You know where else they’re putting 5G? Into freaking hospitals. They’re putting 5G everywhere. And so once this is set up, they have the ability to manipulate people psychologically and physically.

Dom Knight:
And what I don’t get is why the sinister world government haven’t put a massive 5G antenna next to his house to shut him up. What do you think of that theory? Are you convinced?

Andrew Hansen:
Well, he says they’ve been rolling it out, which they have. That could be coincidence, but there are other things that have been recently rolled out as well. What about Tik Tok? I mean, that’s recent.

Dom Knight:
That’s true.

Andrew Hansen:
Maybe that’s to blame for the virus.

Dom Knight:
Disney Plus.

Andrew Hansen:
Exactly, Disney Plus.

Charles Firth:
What about that NRA microbe called coronavirus. That maybe causing the coronavirus pandemic.

Andrew Hansen:
It could be.

Dom Knight:
Every expert says that David Icke’s theory is bullshit. That 5G is fine. But of course they would, wouldn’t they? Because they’re all part of the sinister world government. And here at The Chaser Report, we are very open minded. So I want to give Icke a fair hearing. And I figure, if we look back at his previous claims and work out how plausible they are, we can assess whether the 5G thing is an amazing revelation from profit or just rubbish. Now let me try these theories on you and just see how plausible you find them. His most famous theory is that we are all controlled by 12 foot long, shape-shifting lizard overlords known as reptilians from the planet Akon. What do you think?

Andrew Hansen:
Yes.

Charles Firth:
Well, that turned out to be true though.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, that’s eminently provable by… It was the Tony Abbott era, wasn’t it?

Dom Knight:
Yes, but it’s-

Andrew Hansen:
With the tongue flick. There was a bit of that happening.

Dom Knight:
He also claims that the Royal family are all reptilians and this might seem unfair. It might seem as though I’m misrepresenting him, but four years ago, here he is on British TV and they asked him, does he still believe in this?

Speaker 6:
Do you still think the Royal family were shape shifting lizards?

David Icke:
Yes, I do.

Speaker 6:
You do?

David Icke:
Yes.

Dom Knight:
Andrew, you went on that clip and say look, it sounds crazy if you say it in isolation, but if you know the backstory dating back millennia, it’s very plausible.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, this could be why Harry quit the whole thing. I mean, you would, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t want to be part of this lizard family. How unpleasant.

Dom Knight:
He also says that at one point he interviewed princess Diana’s chambermaid and she told him that the queen mother was known as Chief Toad, which I think checks out.

Charles Firth:
Now I’ll tell you why Harry and Meghan moved to LA, it’s because they are lizards and there’s more sun in LA. That’s the reason. It’s obvious.

Andrew Hansen:
Giveaway, isn’t it? Right now that you put it like that.

Dom Knight:
So Icke also says that the lizard overlords are assisted by people called Red Dresses. They’re hologram people with no free will. What do you think of that? I think it’s true in the case of Instagram influencers.

Charles Firth:
Holograms. Do they wear red dresses, these people?

Dom Knight:
Yeah. They go around basically doing what the reptilians want. They’re like the servants. They’re fake people, like in the Matrix. He also believes the Matrix is real.

Andrew Hansen:
Wouldn’t we notice these… I mean, if there are people in red dresses everywhere, I think you’d spot them, wouldn’t you?

Charles Firth:
And also, how do we know that David Icke isn’t one of the Red Dresses and he saying this stuff because that’s what they want you to believe.

Andrew Hansen:
But Charles, he doesn’t wear a red dress. He wears a straight jacket.

Dom Knight:
He also believes, this is my personal favorite, now that the moon is a hollowed out spacecraft for the reptilians.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, that’s, I think he got that from Dr. Who. I mean, that’s literally the plot line of one of the episodes, I think.

Charles Firth:
But the thing that really intrigues me is why did YouTube ban him? This is exactly the sort of content that’s perfect for YouTube.

Dom Knight:
It’s because he’s been warning everyone about the COVID-19 vaccine, Charles. When it comes, it contains tiny nanotechnology microchips that control us all.

Charles Firth:
All right.

Dom Knight:
Or is it the 5G that does that? Get your story straight, David Icke? But look, if the world really is run by reptilians, the best thing they did was getting this guy to warn everyone about it. Because after spending about an hour watching interviews with David Icke, looking for clips, there’s no way anyone’s going to believe a single thing that he ever says, which is such a pity because the queen mum really was Chief Toad.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, brutal.

Dom Knight:
That should get him back as YouTube though. It’s the most entertaining content out there.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
None of the medical advice contained in The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice. The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
This week’s episode is brought to you by the government $130 billion job keeper’s game, which kicks in this week. Yes, and it’s really easy to apply for. Just remember to select the allowance tabs and then make a $0 million payment using Roman numerals to activate the procedure to verify the payments schedule task lease. And once you’ve reactivated the declaration tab in the net accounting outflows category of your accounting software, simply press the submit button and do it again in reverse order while wearing a sombrero. It’s that easy.

Andrew Hansen:
Sound seamless.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Reports. News a few days after it happens.

Charles Firth:
So we’re trying to work out how to get more downloads for the show during the week. And we thought, why don’t we just get somebody else on the show who’s got a really good social media following? And then all their fans will listen to our show to hear them. So that’s what we’ve done. And we’ve got Mark Humphries from 7.30. He does all his sketches on 7.30. Mark, how are you?

Mark Humphries:
I’m deeply traumatized, Charles. It’s been a very difficult week.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. So what happened on the weekend? What did you do?

Mark Humphries:
Well, I did something that no one should ever do, which is I moved house without hiring a removalist. Now, before everyone jumps in and says, “You idiot, you fool.” Yes, I know I was. I need to be clear. I was fully in favor of hiring a removalist, but I lived in a house of Russian people who are my wife’s family who are sort of stranded here because of the whole coronavirus things. And they were very insistent that we, as a family, could move a house on our own and they were wrong, Charles. They were wrong. But it was…

Charles Firth:
So why were they so insistent? Is there some sort of cultural Russian belief in suffering, I’ll say? What’s the idea?

Mark Humphries:
They are from Siberia. Yes, I think there is a little bit of that. So they’re very keen, very sort of a hands on can do people. And in their head, the $600 saving would be worth it. Not taking and factoring in the potential thousands of dollars of damage that could be done to the our goods. But I got to say in their defense, there was only one point at which I said to my wife, “What was that loud banging metal sound that I heard?” And so what she replied, “Oh, it was just a pipe pulling off the washing machine.” So that’s standard, isn’t it?

Dom Knight:
Yeah, that happens on every move. I think that’s fine.

Mark Humphries:
Okay. Good. I’m so glad to hear that.

Charles Firth:
We’ll just take their perspective for a second. So they helped you move?

Mark Humphries:
Well, helping themselves move. They have been living in the house as well. So it’s like I’m basically billeted to a Russian family at this point. I had my wife’s parents and her brother living with us, in addition to our two children. I’m living in a sort of Russian sitcom without any jokes. Yeah. So my life is a living hell, but it’s great to hear you guys and thanks for having me on the show.

Charles Firth:
So you have two small kids now. You’ve actually got a baby as well, don’t you?

Mark Humphries:
Yeah, we have a three year old and a one year old.

Charles Firth:
Didn’t I have a conversation with you before the baby came along saying, “Do not move with a young baby.” Didn’t I exactly say those words to you? Yeah, we did that at three months old, it’s hell.

Mark Humphries:
Now, to be clear Charles, you said that before I moved with my first baby. You didn’t send a followup message on the second child. So this is the second time we’ve moved with a child and my hair is falling out. Yeah. But I got to say the worst part of the whole thing was actually not so much that, it was dealing with our friends at NBN Co. And they don’t get a bad rep, I think. They’ve got a pretty good, pretty solid reputation. But I weirdly had a bad experience with them.

Charles Firth:
So what happened?

Mark Humphries:
Well, somehow you know how like when you trying and basically get your internet installed. You’d like to get it installed into your house. Yeah. Well, NBN does [inaudible 00:13:48] system where there is… Yeah, so NBN said it was great system where they install your internet into your neighbor’s house. And so that was thrilling to discover that. So we’ve sort of basically been without internet for a few days and the kids are climbing up the walls. I just need to be able to sit them down in front of bluey.

Charles Firth:
Does the internet work better here or in Siberia?

Mark Humphries:
Great question. I think it might be Siberia. Yeah. No, so we finally did get it resolved and somehow it’s slower. I’ve now got a fiber to the premises connection and it’s now somehow slower than it was when I had a kind of the bullshit box.

Charles Firth:
Well, it sounds like you’ve actually recreated what it’s like to live in Russia in your very own Sydney home. It’s lovely.

Mark Humphries:
Well, Charles, there is a lot of soup. Yeah. So I’m just having this conversation and I’m realizing that I’m having a breakdown. But this is a sort of a therapy session to me. So in conclusion, confirming what everyone already knew, [inaudible 00:14:59] yourself, fortunately they did not insist on us cleaning the house out of those. We did hire cleaning so there was some silver lining there. But yeah, don’t-

Dom Knight:
You sound like you need a break? Can I say it too? If you get COVID-19, you’ll have a couple of weeks in seclusion. You’ll have your own room. It’ll be very quiet. Get on board.

Mark Humphries:
Yep. Yeah. Getting up watching a Netflix on a solid 3G connection. Yeah. No, that would be absolutely heaven right now. So thank you for checking in.

Charles Firth:
Thank you so much, Mark.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Less news, less often.

Andrew Hansen:
Now, Domi and Charles, you two are dads like me. I don’t know. Are you feeling like I am? Are you feeling a bit confused about how to explain this whole virus lockdown business to your kids?

Charles Firth:
Well, my cousin was saying that he’s explaining to his two year old that the reason why they can’t play in the playground or go to the pool or whatever, is because the whole world is sick.

Dom Knight:
Really? That’s heavy. That’s a heavy explanation.

Charles Firth:
Really bloody heavy. Apparently, the cousin’s kid is really depressed and keeps being really sad and he’s just going, “Well, you bloody will told him the whole world is sick, you bastard.”

Dom Knight:
I came up with a better one. I had to tell my daughter that the playground that she loves running around in is really dirty. So that won’t traumatize her at all.

Andrew Hansen:
Now, that’s what I’ve done too. I just said they’re cleaning it. They’re cleaning it and it’s going to take a long time to clean, a surprisingly long time it will take it to clean. And that’s the story that I’m using. I mean what are you supposed to get? Well, look-

Charles Firth:
It’s actually true though because apparently, my wife told me that the reason why I can’t go to the pub is because they’re cleaning it.

Andrew Hansen:
She’s been telling you that for years, hasn’t she? Trying to keep you away. Well look, I dug around and I found actually a lot of people are weighing in on this thing, virus messaging for kids. My first discovery, which I want to share this with you, it’s a new children’s book about the coronavirus. It’s made by the world health organization who teamed up with UNICEF. So big names behind this book and some publishers. They produced this remarkably long book of My Hero is You: How Kids Can Fight COVID-19!, with an exclamation mark because it’s such a fun adventure you see.

Andrew Hansen:
Now this book, it features a sort of angel like hero’s named Ariel, same name as The Little Mermaid. And Ariel just explains the ins and outs of the coronavirus to anyone who listened. That’s basically how the story works. And I must admit, I’m not sure the creators of this kid’s book taking the pandemic as seriously as they should. Take a listen.

Speaker 8:
Is it true people can die from the coronavirus? Ariel breathed a big sigh and sat down on his enormous bottom.

Andrew Hansen:
I mean, I think kids are going to think the coronavirus gives you a huge ass. And now by the way, do you want to guess which celebrity narrated that first official video of the COVID kids book on YouTube?

Charles Firth:
I mean, it sounded like Rolf Harris, [crosstalk 00:18:05] but certainly these kids to keep their distance.

Andrew Hansen:
Look, I’ll give it away. I can’t believe you didn’t guess this. It was of course Howard Donald from the pop group Take That.

Charles Firth:
What?

Andrew Hansen:
Who else would you cast? Who else would you choose? Except for him.

Dom Knight:
I bet he was very cheap.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, that’s very unfair on poor Howard. Not to be outdone, there’s a hospital in LA who’s naturally enough produced their own children’s book about the virus. And this one is narrated by Natalie Portman.

Dom Knight:
Right.

Andrew Hansen:
From the bad Star Wars movies. And this is presumably to teach kids to avoid COVID like you avoid Jar Jar Binks. Now, bearing in mind the virus is called coronavirus, can you guess the name, Dom and Charles, of the villain character in this children’s book?

Dom Knight:
Surely, it’s Donald Trump.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, close, not bad. Charles?

Charles Firth:
I was going to say surely it’s Batman, but wouldn’t that be the perfect villain for the coronavirus?

Dom Knight:
Well, it’s from LA. They never use any original ideas. So I’m assuming it’s just like Voldemort [Soran 00:00:19:05].

Charles Firth:
Now, it’ll be cool. I bet you a million dollars, it’s called Corona.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, Charles, that’s not a bad guess. Let’s hear Natalie Portman say the name of the villain.

Natalie Portman:
Corny Coronavirus.

Charles Firth:
Corny?

Andrew Hansen:
Corny Coronavirus-

Dom Knight:
Corny.

Andrew Hansen:
… actually. Coronavirus is a surname, I think.

Charles Firth:
She’s just talking about the early Star Wars movies, isn’t she? Plot line pandemic or no, whatever. Corny Coronavirus.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, Corny in the story, he’s depicted as this sort of green unhygienic globe. Dom and Charles, what do you think Corny Coronavirus has been doing with his time?

Dom Knight:
I suspect shagging bats for us. But in terms of this book, probably got a development deal at Netflix by now.

Andrew Hansen:
Maybe so. Charles, what do you think Corny has been doing?

Charles Firth:
I don’t know. Maybe going on various cruises around the world. It seems to be the way.

Andrew Hansen:
That is pretty, pretty close. That’s not bad. Let’s listen to what Corny has been up to in this children’s story.

Natalie Portman:
Corny Coronavirus has been traveling the world.

Andrew Hansen:
There you go, Charles Firth.

Charles Firth:
Right.

Andrew Hansen:
You’ve done it.

Dom Knight:
Well done.

Andrew Hansen:
Traveling the world, presumably not on Virgin. Now, armed with what you now know of the character, can you have a guess at the title of this children’s book? Domi?

Dom Knight:
Where is the Green Bat?

Andrew Hansen:
Charles, if you want to stay at the top?

Charles Firth:
What about, Corny Coronavirus Goes Around the World.

Andrew Hansen:
That’s not bad, actually. Domi, what was your alternative?

Dom Knight:
Horton hears a WHO?

Andrew Hansen:
Look, the title of the kid’s is this.

Natalie Portman:
Careless Corny, A Cautionary Tale.

Andrew Hansen:
Now, kids, you know, they need to be kept not only informed but entertained, don’t they? So I want to play you guys the most exciting part of Careless Corny, A Cautionary Tale. Now, if your kids love Dr. Seuss or they might love Roald Dahl, those authors have got nothing on this thrilling and hilarious bit of the story. And after I play it, by the way, I want you guys to guess why this particular thing happens in the story. Take it away, Natalie Portman.

Natalie Portman:
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 17, 18, 19, 20.

Dom Knight:
Is that a live count of the US fatalities?

Andrew Hansen:
Good guess, Domi. That’s pretty close. Charles, why do you think that’s in the story?

Charles Firth:
Well, it’s obviously how long you’re going to wash your hands for. But instead of doing it in a joyous way where you sing a song, they want you to just joylessly recount numbers. I know it’s because no one knows how to count to 20 because they go through the American education system. That’s the reason.

Andrew Hansen:
Well, look, if your kids were gripped and enthralled by that little a counting passage as narrated so thrillingly by Natalie Portman, they will surely be over the moon when later in the story this happens.

Natalie Portman:
You’re washing your hands again? Yes, I am. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12-

Andrew Hansen:
Don’t interrupt.

Natalie Portman:
… 13, 14, 15, 16-

Andrew Hansen:
We’re enjoying ourselves, do you?

Natalie Portman:
… 17, 18, 19, 20.

Andrew Hansen:
There you go. So ask no more how do I entertain the kids during lockdown. No wonder they needed a major movie star to give back the Oscar winning performance it deserves.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence, this is The Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
This week’s episode is brought to you by the government $130 billion job keeper’s game. Haven’t been paid yet? Simply log into the ATO portal by a myGovID.

Dom Knight:
Oh, my gov, I’ve got that all set up. I use it for Medicare. It’s great.

Charles Firth:
No, no, no, not mygov, myGovID. They’re totally different, Dom.

Dom Knight:
What? I’ve never heard of that.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, use myGovID.

Dom Knight:
Are you sure it’s not mygov? The thing that we all use.

Charles Firth:
Who would use mygov when you’re supposed to use myGovID? Just use my gov ID and complete the simple 500 step checklist.

Andrew Hansen:
Sorry. Sorry. Do you guys get the sense that they just don’t want us to get the money?

Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. News you know you can’t trust.

Speaker 10:
International, global news world roundup.

Dom Knight:
Charles and Andrew, some of the most important news stories this week. A city in Sweden attempted to stop citizens celebrating a holiday in a public park. They dumped more than a ton of chicken poo on the grass. And normally people sit and drink beer all night, but local officials said, “No, this will make it much less nice and no one will want to come.” Would that keep you away from a beer in a park?

Charles Firth:
Well, chicken shit does actually smell terrible. In fact, the only thing that smells worse than chicken shit is the inside of a Sydney pub. So given that that’s where people go and drink in Australia, I don’t think it’ll have worked at all. I think people will go, “Oh wow, this smells just like a musky pub.” It smells better than a musky pub.

Andrew Hansen:
He’d be rushing for the chicken shit hill, wouldn’t you? He’s desperate to get there. Look, at this point, I’m so desperate for a good time. Chicken shit or not, that would not keep me away. You’d need a lot more than a ton. I reckon most of us will be in a position at the end of this where we’re happy to just bed down in a ton of shit and shrink a nice drink.

Dom Knight:
Okay, so if you’re in charge of this town, what would you have done to keep people away? If you don’t think the shit on the grass will work, is there a better way that can make people observe social distancing? Bearing in mind there’s no lockdown in Sweden.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, to keep people to keep people away? Well, what if you dressed up the park as a cruise ship terminal? I think that might send people packing.

Charles Firth:
Look, one way might be… Just hear me out here because it’s a bit of a loose suggestion. What if you told everyone that there’s a global pandemic on and if they turn up, their grandparents will almost definitely die.

Andrew Hansen:
No, that’s not going to work, Charles. It’s not going work. No.

Charles Firth:
You need something that appeals to the Swedish, don’t you? So maybe what you do is you just place a whole lot of Ikea furniture that isn’t constructed-

Dom Knight:
Near the park.

Charles Firth:
… out on the field and say that they have to [inaudible 00:25:53], say have to that they have to assemble it and then they’ll all go, “Oh no, I’ll do it next weekend. I’ll come back.”

Andrew Hansen:
Or maybe you could sort of line up all the horses that normally go into the meatballs and offer to give people rides away from the park.

Dom Knight:
I was thinking if they’d just got some four X gold and pour it on the grass, it would be completely fine. No one would go. Now, Donald Trump wasn’t the first influential leader to recommend bleach as a cure for coronavirus, it turns out. The renowned Genesis II Church of Health and Healing has in fact long claimed that chlorine dioxide is a miracle cure and they sell it here in Australia. It’s an American church, but they sell it here as a thing called Miracle Mineral Solution. And actually, it turns out Archbishop wrote to Donald Trump, yes, they have an Archbishop, before his press conference and recommended that they use their sacramental cleaning water. What do you think? Does the church blessing this stuff make you think it’s worth a try?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, I’m sorry. It’s made of chlorine dioxide, did you say?

Dom Knight:
Yes, but it is Miracle Mineral Solution, that’s what they call it. It’s been blessed.

Charles Firth:
Oh, actually I’ve got a bottle of it. I actually use it. It’s actually very effective. My toilet bowl is incredibly clean the whole time.

Dom Knight:
It’s a miracle.

Andrew Hansen:
They do talk about miracle cleaners. Nearly every cleaner is sold as a miracle cleaner, isn’t it? So what’s so unusual about this?

Dom Knight:
Do you think religion should be allowed to market dangerous thing to their congregation? I mean, the TGI here says they can sell it if they write poison on the bottle.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, market dangerous things to their congregations. What do you mean like priests? I don’t know about that.

Charles Firth:
I think it’s all right to sell poison to your congregation as long as you’ve already got their credit card details on file. I think that’s the most important thing. You can keep taking the money out like an Australian bank.

Dom Knight:
Now, some happy news to wind up by with this week. Our old friend Elon Musk has had a truly, truly special week. He’s had his seventh baby. Congratulations, Elon. It’s with a first child with the singer Grimes. And look, they come up with a truly special name for this child. Let me try and explain what it is. It is X space and then an AE squashed together like in medieval and another space and A dash 12 Musk, and somehow Musk is the silliest part of the name.

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, I like that how concise the name is. I mean, it’s pretty sure there aren’t many letters in that and there aren’t many letters even in Elon Musk or Grimes, like the whole family put together, still has less letters than my name.

Dom Knight:
It’s true. Now, I wanted to know how to pronounce this very unusual name. So I turned to the renowned entertainment reporter at Seven News.

Speaker 11:
I can’t pronounce it. I challenge anyone else to, but I think we have a graphic of it, if we can pop that up.

Dom Knight:
How do they pronounced it? Ash, just Ash. It’s not too bad.

Charles Firth:
But it’s spelled X-A-E-A-12.

Dom Knight:
That’s not Ash.

Charles Firth:
I don’t know what it is.

Dom Knight:
Why don’t they just call him Ash? If they want to call him Ash, why don’t they just write Ash down? Do you think this is… I mean, so everybody is well known for giving children’s stupid names. Is this a new low or is it kind of brilliant? How do you view this?

Charles Firth:
I think this is really good. I think this is… I mean, because I actually know what this name means. It means that Elon Musk is a narcissist who sees the baby is an extension of himself rather than as a separate unique human being. So it’s really good. It’s sort of acts as a signal to child welfare authorities. They should put him on some sort of watch list.

Andrew Hansen:
Red flag, isn’t it?

Dom Knight:
I’ll give you the official explanation. You can say if it’s more or less impressive. X, this is from Grimes’ Twitter. X is the unknown variable. The AEs, the Elvin spelling of AI meaning love and or artificial intelligence. A-12 is the precursor to their favorite aircraft, the SR-17.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, which kid gets called SR-17 then? I mean, you’re telling me A-12 is the second most favorite aircraft.

Dom Knight:
Let’s hope they have another child. I don’t know what they would call him.

Andrew Hansen:
And they’ve named the kid after his second most favorite aircraft.

Dom Knight:
Everyone’s favorite aircraft is the Concorde, but the SR-17. You can say for a child’s name. What do you think they will call their next child given this amazing skill?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, E equals MC squared.

Charles Firth:
I think they’ll learn from it and I’m pretty certain, I’d put a lot of money on the next child as being called Bob.

Dom Knight:
Or any name that they choose, it’s less embarrassing than Elon Junior surely.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Less news, more often.

Charles Firth:
Okay. Well, that’s almost the end of the show, but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca de Unamuno.

Rebecca de Unamuno:
Yes, news just in. A woman in the United States has come forward and accused Bernie Sanders of trying to give her free healthcare in exchange for her support. The allegations have badly damaged the senator’s chances of winning against a pool of much more electable sex offenders. Back to you.

Charles Firth:
Thanks, Bec. Now, remember to check us out online at chaser.com.au. Find us on Facebook, Twinter.

Andrew Hansen:
Twinter is a good one. I’ve just joined Twinter actually. It’s quite like Pinterest.

Charles Firth:
You know that we’re on Tik Tok.

Andrew Hansen:
I joined Twink.

Charles Firth:
Well, I joined Dick Doc and I’ll tell you what, that’s really interesting.

Dom Knight:
Of course, that’s quite painful.

Charles Firth:
And also search for The Chaser Report in your podcast app and actually subscribed to it so that we actually get all the downloads, even if you don’t listen to it. And you’ve also got to review The Chaser Report, don’t you? Because otherwise-

Dom Knight:
We’ll be in.

Andrew Hansen:
We get fired basically, don’t we?

Charles Firth:
Yeah.

Andrew Hansen:
If you don’t do that.

Dom Knight:
If you could create a program that queues up thousands of fake downloads, that would also be very helpful.

Charles Firth:
That would be very helpful. So thanks to our producer, Mike Liberale. And anyway, we’re going to leave you with a promo now for a very, very exciting new podcast from Chase’s Studios that we’ve been working on for just years.

John Jellos:
Hi, my name is John Jellos. Have you ever thought what if every decision you’ve made had to be decided by the first result you got on Google? Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. Hey Google. It’s an intriguing thought, isn’t it? Every time you want to eat something or watch something, you have to do what Google recommends first. Hey babe, should we have dinner?

Speaker 14:
Oh, pizza would be nice.

John Jellos:
Hold on, I have to ask Google. Hey Google, what should we have for dinner?

Google:
Here’s a summary from Nobel Pig. 80 easy dinners you can make tonight. Beef, chicken, turkey, pasta, pork, seafood and vegetarian.

John Jellos:
Yeah, it looks like it’s beef, chicken, pasta, pork, seafood and vegetarian.

Speaker 14:
Again?

John Jellos:
And what if you did it for a whole year?

Speaker 14:
For a whole year? Oh, jeez.

John Jellos:
Introducing a new podcast that looks at the mildly interesting question, what would happen if your life was controlled by a search engine? About the highs. This is the best beef, chicken, pasta, pork, seafood, vegetarian meal I’ve had yet.

John Jellos:
And lows. Well, unfortunately, Google has sent me a cease and desist notice, but luckily Bing has stepped up to the plate and said I can use their search engine instead. So I’m sure the premise of my podcast will be just as good. Hey, Bing, what should we eat tonight?

Bing:
There are 5,623 results for animal porn.

John Jellos:
Oh. My life is a search engine, just search for it wherever you get your podcasts, but don’t search for it in Bing because it won’t be able to find it.






 

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