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The Chaser Report – Episode 3 – COVIDSafe or COVIDSorry?

With the COVIDSafe App now out, Scott Morrison implores all Australians to download The Chaser Report podcast. Charles takes a look at another COVID App that promises to diagnose you without any pesky interaction with medical professionals. Andrew takes a look at yet more sincere celebrity isolation videos, while Dom reviews Pete Evans’ Biocharger. Plus the latest Chaser headlines from Bec De Unamuno delivering all the news you can’t trust.

Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.

TRANSCRIPT

Rebecca de Unamuno:
In times like these, it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably
reliable, informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately, you’re not listening to it.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
Instead, you’re listening to The Chaser Report.
Charles Firth:
Hello, and welcome to another episode of The Chaser Report, news you can’t trust. I’m Charles Firth,
and joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dom Knight.
Charles Firth:
A big thing that happened this week was the government launched the COVIDSafe app. Yes, that’s right.
Australia is now officially living in a surveillance state, and it seems like everyone’s been pretty willing to
just give up all their civil liberties if it means spending any less time with their families. That’s really
heartening.
Charles Firth:
Andrew, did you install the app?
Andrew Hansen:
Look, I did, Charles. I mean, I’ve got a couple of issues with it myself, mostly it’s a bit of a boring app I
find. I mean, if they really want people to come back to this app, it needs to be a bit more fun. It’s just a
screen with some text on it. I think it needs at least a version of Snake or something that we could play
or some reason to open it up again, or even better still, I was thinking, if it could be more like Pokémon
Go, I reckon it could be a lot … because you know it’s supposed to tell you if you’ve walked past
somebody who has the virus, so you should be able to walk around with the thing open and shine it
around, and anybody who’s walking past should show up on your phone as a zombie or something, a
really scary-looking person, and maybe you could throw a ball at them.
Dom Knight:
I don’t know about Pokémon, Andrew. I mean, the slogan of Pokémon is Gotta Catch Them All. I’m not
sure that that’s appropriate.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, okay. No, that doesn’t work so well, then.
Dom Knight:
I haven’t installed it. There’s no need for me to get COVIDSafe, because I mean, whenever I walk outside
people run away screaming anyway. [crosstalk 00:01:49].
Andrew Hansen:
If you’re very used to people crossing the street to avoid your company, [crosstalk 00:01:53]-
Dom Knight:
And now there’s a reason I feel a lot more popular.
Charles Firth:
Anyway, coming up, Andrew Hansen takes us on another journey through the sincere world of celebrity
isolation videos, and Dom reviews Pete Evans’s BioCharger machine, the one that he got fined a whole
lot of money for after he said it cured the coronavirus.
Dom Knight:
It’s amazing.
Charles Firth:
It is amazing. I’m looking forward to that. But first, let’s check in with Rebecca de Unamuno for the latest
chaser news headlines.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
Serial adulterer Barnaby Joyce has come out against the government’s new app that details exactly who
you’ve had intimate contact with in the past 21 days to the surprise of absolutely no one. Although he
won’t use the app, Mr. Joyce has offered to give up sleeping with all members of his staff until the virus
has subsided, or Wednesday, whichever comes first.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
North Korean president Kim Jong Un has been declared brain dead after he subscribed to the Herald
Sunday newspaper. Doctors were first alerted to the dictator’s mental decline after he was seen nodding
at an Andrew Bolt column. Moments after he was declared brain dead, he was drafted into the NRL.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The United Nations has unanimously voted to end 2020 effective immediately. The motion was
originally proposed by Australia in early January following the bush fires, floods, hail, drought and
Bunnings halting the sale of sausages, but was defeated back then so we didn’t miss out on the new
James Bond movie in March. 2021 we’ll begin from midnight tonight.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
That’s The Chaser Report headlines, news you can’t trust.
Charles Firth:
Thanks, Beck. Hey, Beck, you live in Sydney. Are you looking forward to today’s easing of the restrictions
up there?
Rebecca de Unamuno:
Yep. Now I can go back to not going out voluntarily.
Charles Firth:
Well, it is Sydney.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.
Charles Firth:
So everyone’s talking about this COVIDSafe app that we’re all supposed to download onto our phone so
it can track our every move. It’d be interesting to have a look at some of the other apps that you can get
related to the coronavirus. So I went to the Apple app store this week, and turns out actually, there are
very, very few COVID-related apps. The only ones that are allowed on the bloody Apple app store,
because they’re all the official and everything like that, are these certified ones from proper medical
establishments. It’s a real disaster.
Andrew Hansen:
How boring! [crosstalk 00:04:10].
Charles Firth:
I know. It’s really boring.
Andrew Hansen:
What did you find, though, there?
Charles Firth:
Well, I found one. I found one app that seems to have got through that is totally dodgy and worth
downloading.
Andrew Hansen:
Is that the Australian government’s one?
Charles Firth:
It’s called COVIDSafe. No, no. I mean, one thing you can do is if you want to be tracked by a foreign
government in the Apple store, they’ve got all the different tracking apps from around the world.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, I did wonder. So if I want the Indian government to know exactly what I’m up to …
Dom Knight:
I saw the Abu Dhabi one. I’m now foreign worker in Abu Dhabi.
Charles Firth:
Yeah. Well, the United Arab Emirates one assures users that it doesn’t track your location, but if you
actually download it, it then asks for location tracking on your phone. It asks to use your GPS. You’re
lying!
Andrew Hansen:
That’s a bit of a giveaway. Ooh, what a giveaway. They forgot about that small detail.
Charles Firth:
Anyway, there is one app that struck my fancy. It’s from a Silicon Valley startup, no surprises there, and
it promises to actually give you a medical assessment on whether you’ve got COVID or not.
Dom Knight:
How helpful!
Andrew Hansen:
Through the app?
Charles Firth:
Cannot admit. Before you download it, that’s what it promises. As soon as you download it, it then
actually makes you agree that this assessment is not a substitute for professional medical advice or
diagnosis or treatment. So it’s a bit underwhelming. But I’ll open it here. I’ve got it actually on my phone.
I’m going to actually go through the diagnosis right now.
Dom Knight:
Oh, test yourself. Test yourself. [crosstalk 00:05:48].
Charles Firth:
I’m going to test myself, find out whether I’ve got COVID.
Dom Knight:
How will you shove the phone up your nose?
Charles Firth:
Well, no, no. No, it’s based on a diagnostic set of questions, Dom. It’s very scientific.
Charles Firth:
So the first one is do you have a fever? Well, actually, I do feel a bit hot at the moment. I went for a jog
this morning, so I think I probably should say yes to that. Have you had shortness of breath? Well, yes,
I’ve had lots of shortness of breath because I was on my jog this morning. Fatigue? Well, I’m very
exhausted from my jog, so I will say yes to that. Body aches? Well, yes, I’m terribly sore. I didn’t stretch
enough before I went on my jog, so that’s a yes to that.
Dom Knight:
[inaudible 00:06:28].
Charles Firth:
Have I had nasal congestion? Well, I did do a lot of coke on the weekend. So yes, that should be right.
Dom Knight:
Very bad for fit drug addicts, this app, isn’t it?
Charles Firth:
It’s the diagnostic test for … Sore throat. I don’t have a sore throat, so I should say no to that. Okay.
Diarrhea. Well, actually, I had far too much coffee this morning, so that probably counts. I should
probably say yes to that. And finallyDom Knight:
Verbal diarrhea right now.
Charles Firth:
Have you been in large crowds in the past three weeks? Well, no, I haven’t. No!
Dom Knight:
It’s illegal, isn’t it?
Charles Firth:
What a giveaway. So I’ll say no to that. So the result, bringing up my result … “Your self assessment is
that high.” No. No, it doesn’t mean that I’m high. It means I have a high probability.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s probably the coke. You are high.
Charles Firth:
“High probability that you have contracted the new coronavirus. Look at that. [crosstalk 00:07:31] on my
phone.
Dom Knight:
Oh, dear.
Andrew Hansen:
Look! High. It’s even in a red circle that said the word, “High.” That’s a bit alarming, isn’t it?
Charles Firth:
Yeah. And what do you do next? “Urgently inform your local public health authorities of your symptoms
as a medical evaluation might be required.” No shit, Sherlock. So there you go.
Dom Knight:
This is highlighted how dangerous jogging is.
Charles Firth:
Yeah, well, exactly. But it actually is all right. I’ve realized I don’t actually need to seek a medical
professional, because I was on the Ruby Princess so I just don’t actually have to do anything at all.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. News you can’t trust.
Charles Firth:
Okay, Dommy and Charles, now, we did this in episode one. I’m going to do it again because you were so
good at the game. It’s the game that we call …
Speaker 5:
I Celebrity!
Andrew Hansen:
Yes. This is the game where I play you a reassuring video made by a celebrity in isolation, and you have
to guess, just from listening to the sound of their voice, who the celebrity is who’s giving us some advice
or trying to entertain us during this difficult time.
Charles Firth:
And Andrew, this week will we have celebrities that we’ve actually heard of? Is that …
Andrew Hansen:
No, well, Charles, you’re so out of the loop that’s impossible. I mean, lining up the Beatles and Charles
was like, “Who? Well, what’s this newfangled band?”
Andrew Hansen:
Now, okay, let’s begin with this guy right here. This is a lovely video. It’s just trying to entertain us with a
song and it’s a song, naturally enough, about that thing we’re all supposed to be doing, washing our
hands. Who is the singer?
Speaker 5:
(singing)
Andrew Hansen:
Dommy, who is it?
Dom Knight:
It’s like a GBS musical sketch, so I’m wondering if it’s Jimmy Fallon.
Andrew Hansen:
That’s not a bad guess, Dommy, but I’m afraid you are incorrect. Charles, you want to have a stab at that
one?
Charles Firth:
Well, surely it’s Liam from Oasis.
Andrew Hansen:
Bloody hell, Charles. Charles, yes. I mean, I don’t know if you’ve-
Charles Firth:
Oh, yes! I got it right!
Andrew Hansen:
Did you really think itDom Knight:
It’s actually the guy, because it sounds like someone useless doing an impression of Liam.
Charles Firth:
No one else.
Dom Knight:
But Liam always sound [crosstalk 00:09:52]-
Charles Firth:
No one else would want to sing Wonderball ever. It’s the worst song ever.
Andrew Hansen:
Well, they always sound parodies of themselves. So yes, Liam Gallagher presumably going through a bad
time at the moment, because, from social distancing, he can’t headbutt anyone.
Andrew Hansen:
Now, let’s check out another musical celebrity. Now, I should say that this poor old celebrity decided to
host one of those Facebook Live things, and he’s trying to interact with his fans by trying to figure out
what they’re messaging him and who is messaging him during the middle of this Facebook Live
onslaught. Let’s take a listen and guess who it is.
Chris Martin:
Uruguay. Hi in Uruguay. And there was Panama just now. Okay. Skater 8th. Eight. Is that your real
name? I’m warming up.
Andrew Hansen:
Dommy, you want to hazard a guess?
Dom Knight:
I know who that is, because I actually watched that video. I was so bored that I watched you droopy
Chris Martin from Coldplay doing a live gig. I had trouble getting to sleep.
Andrew Hansen:
Did you message him? Did he look at your username and go. “Useless bald man in Australia. Who is
that?”
Dom Knight:
And think, “If only he had hair,” yes.
Andrew Hansen:
You’re correct. Correct! That is Chris Martin. Yes, absolutely. And, look, I had headlined up the rest of
the clip to help you guess who it was, but you’ve guessed, so let’s just skip that.
Dom Knight:
I think that’s a very good idea.
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Let’s not hear any more.
Dom Knight:
The less Coldplay, the better.
Andrew Hansen:
Let’s not hear any more from [crosstalk 00:11:23].
Dom Knight:
… not working at MMM any more.
Andrew Hansen:
Good video to check out if you want to watch Chris Martin practicing social distancing from Gwyneth
Paltrow, anyway. Let’s check in with this lady here sitting in a bathtub. Warrior. I don’t know about you,
this doesn’t sound the most reassuring celebrity isolation video I’ve heard.
Speaker 7:
That’s the thing about COVID-19. It doesn’t care about how rich you are, how famous you are, how
funny you are, how smart you are, where you live, how old you are.
Andrew Hansen:
Feel free to jump in at any time, guys. [crosstalk 00:12:04].
Charles Firth:
That’s chilling.
Dom Knight:
I reckon this is Barbara Streisand.
Chris Martin:
It’s the great equalizer.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s not. It’s not, but that’s the right territory. That’s kind of.
Dom Knight:
Whoever it is is a sort of …
Speaker 7:
… all equal in many ways.
Charles Firth:
Rich fuckwit.
Andrew Hansen:
Yes, you’re on the right track.
Charles Firth:
Oh, well, is it Gwyneth, then?
Andrew Hansen:
No, it’s not Gwyneth. You’re both incorrect. It’s Madonna. That’s Madonna in the bath worrying a great
length. It goes on for so long, I was amazed that she didn’t bore herself to sleep and then drown in the
bath.
Dom Knight:
It’s probably the most clothed footage of Madonna in a long time.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s still a pretty pointy video, Dommy. Look, you can check that out at your leisure.
Andrew Hansen:
All right. Here’s one more for you, Dommy and Charles. Now, this is a music legend, and I’m going to
play you just a little bit of the song that this guy entertains us with in his celebrity isolation video. He’s
changed the lyrics of the song to suit the situation. Let’s take a listen and see if you can guess who it is.
Neil Diamond:
(singing)
Charles Firth:
He didn’t the right [crosstalk 00:13:30]-
Andrew Hansen:
Come on. You must have guessed it by now. You’re supposed to jump in before the chorus.
Charles Firth:
Well, I was initially thinking Bob Dylan, but I can’t actually hear him sing, so it wasn’t that. Yeah, Neil
Diamond’sAndrew Hansen:
Clearly. Clearly Neil Diamond, but you were too late. You’re not supposed to wait until the Sweet
Caroline.
Dom Knight:
Why didn’t he rewrite that lyric? Because that’s the breakout lyric.
Andrew Hansen:
(singing)
Speaker 7:
I Celebrity.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
None of the medical advice contained in The Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.
The Chaser Report.
Speaker 7:
The Chaser Report is sponsored by Dr. Trump’s medical clinics. Come in for our powerful ultraviolet light,
or maybe just bring powerful light treatment today. Might work, who knows? Maybe they should test it
out or something.
Andrew Hansen:
So, we thought it would be a good idea to have a little bit of user interaction, listener interaction, in this
podcast. So I went to the Facebook page last night, and I asked people to send in their questions and
comments that they want read out on this podcast. And I can tell you now, it is a terrible idea. We really
shouldn’t do this, but it’s a segment we like to call …
Speaker 7:
Chaser Mailbag.
Andrew Hansen:
What’s in the mailbag today, Charles?
Charles Firth:
The first one is from Hugh Brighton. This is actually a question I think directed to you, Andrew, which is,
“How’s the Dijon holding out?”
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, good question, Hugh. I’m glad you asked. I’m glad you asked. Yeah, because earlier in the podcast, I
think I might have admitted, I haven’t been panic buying it. Let’s just be clear. But I have bought rather a
lot of Dijon mustard, because I was very worried it was going to run out, so rather than toilet paper or
various essentials, my thing is I bought a large number, let’s just say, of Dijon mustard jars. It’s turned
into a disaster. I have to slather the Dijon onto bloody everything, because otherwise I’ll never get
through the stuff.
Charles Firth:
Even at breakfast?
Andrew Hansen:
Yes. I’ve been putting Dijon on my Weet-Bix, I’ve been spreading Dijon on toast, I’ve had to start thinking
I might stir it into my orange juice, put it in coffee … This is a Dijon nightmare zone. I can’t wait for the
virus to be over just so that I don’t have to eat Dijon any more. That’s the main reason that I want it to
be finished.
Charles Firth:
Okay. Next question is from Wendy Gibson. And she asks, “What’s your choice at drink time? Is it Pine O
Cleen or White King?”
Andrew Hansen:
I’ve got a drink, which I call the Pinot Cleaning. It’s Pine O Cleen and just an olive in a martini glass. Look,
I haven’t got COVID, so it must work.
Charles Firth:
Yeah, it must work.
Andrew Hansen:
I am also dead.
Charles Firth:
You gargle it a bit or …
Andrew Hansen:
[inaudible 00:16:19].
Charles Firth:
A bit of a follow-up question: with tonic or without?
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, well, and it depends if you want the drink to taste horrible, add some tonic. I mean, the Pine O
Cleen’s not great, but the tonic’s really disgusting.
Charles Firth:
Ah, yeah. I bet. Yeah. And also it adds calories. I guess you’re drinking Pine O Cleen, much healthier to
have it straight.
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, or on the rocks.
Charles Firth:
Yeah. Okay. Next one is from Josh Robertson. It’s a bit of a complicated one. “With the new app, will it
be telling the amount of times I leave the house to send me a big fine, or is it like the parking bands
where it just does it individually and you don’t know until after each offense whether you’ve been
pinked? I’m just wondering because as a middle class worker, how is this national debt going to be
pushed off onto me?”
Dom Knight:
Well, I’ve hacked into the app, and I know where Josh lives, so I’ve arranged for a couple of large vans to
just hover ominously outside his house just so he feels nice and secure.
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah, that’s kind of you, Dommy. Look, I’m sure, Josh, you’re going to have to pay one way or another.
And I don’t think asking the details as appropriate. I think when the bill comes, just fork out, mate.
Charles Firth:
It’s about trust. You’ve got to just trust them, that they’ll shaft you in one way or another. Okay. Next
one is from Ben. This is a bit of a complicated one, because there’s new restrictions. They’re loosening
the restrictions in New South Wales and he’s from New South Wales. He wants to know if under the new
restrictions, if two adults take their two twin children to their friend’s place to celebrate their 18th
birthday, are they breaching the social distancing rules? It’s a bit of a tricky one, because children are
not counted. But what if they’re turning 18?
Andrew Hansen:
This sounds to me a very good solution that you could give to high schools … it sounds like one of those
high school mass problems, but unfortunately high school students I don’t think are going to be able to
solve this because of all the remote learning that they’re doing, it’s turning them to complete morons.
So I don’t think we’re going to get an answer to this one any time soon.
Dom Knight:
Well, the simplest thing to do with twins is just to shun them as freaks and put them in a sideshow.
That’s what I always do.
Charles Firth:
Just get them to develop a lifelong aversion to social interactions, and then re fine.
Dom Knight:
Yeah, I mean, if only it had been done to the Veronicas, none of this would have happened [inaudible
00:18:45].
Charles Firth:
And finally, Jeff King has asked this question. “Will the social distancing rules and fines still be applicable
if an alien mothership comes to pick up its crew?” And he’s asking on behalf of Peter Dutton.
Dom Knight:
Well, you’re not allowed to go more than 50 kilometers from your home, so yes, the alien mothership
would still be fined under the New South Wales law.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, look, yeah. I think, gosh, the problems, I mean, boat people bad enough, but spaceship people, they
really get my goat.
Dom Knight:
We decide which spaceships is into this country in the circumstances in which they come.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. News a few days after it happens.
Speaker 7:
A message from the prime minister, Scott Morrison.
Charles Firth:
In recent months, the coronavius has really fucked our lives. We can no longer go to a Sharkies game or
wacko New Age church service, or even a secret trip to Hawaii. But there is a way forward. I am urging
all Australians to do their civic duty and download The Chaser Report podcast. The sooner we all get The
Chaser Report podcast on our phones, the sooner we can get back to doing the things we love, like
listening to podcasts. Let me assure you that I really am Scott Morrison, and The Chaser haven’t just
made up this ad because their contract with Nova requires a minimum number of downloads or else
they get fired. Remember, we’re all downloading this together.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.
Dom Knight:
Now, Charles and Andrew, you might’ve seen in the news, Pete Evans has been fined $25,000 from
promoting a device called the BioCharger. He said that it had recipes that helped with Wuhan
coronavirus. Now, obviously that was dangerous rubbish, but I’m worried that people are now
dismissing the fabulous BioCharger as a $15,000 bullshit machine. And it’s so much more than that. Now
that Pete’s trying to back away from it, I’ve taken over as the most high profile celebrity who would
endorse the BioCharger and I’ve got the marketing video here to share with you. Isn’t that exciting?
Andrew Hansen:
I’m very excited.
Charles Firth:
Yeah. Well, I’m very excited about the idea that you might get fined $15,000. That’d be great.
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. When I was 25, Charles, it was almost as much as two BioChargers. I mean, it’s a vicious fine. I
mean poor Pete Evans, I assume he sold about 40,000 of them and he’s had to part with almost two
machines’ worth of money. Dommy, be careful.
Dom Knight:
It’s a good point.
Charles Firth:
What have you got for us, Dommy?
Dom Knight:
Now, look, if you haven’t seen the BioCharger, I want to describe it. It’s very, very high tech. It looks like
the love chart of a humidifier and the robot from Lost in Space, so very cutting edge stuff, it’s a big glass
cylinder and a massive base. There’s buttons where you dial up the recipe and lots of vertical light strips
that glow with BioChargery. So just imagine that while I go into this. I have got some questions for you
about this device.
Dom Knight:
Now, listen to this clip. When the official buy a charge of video and prepare to change your lives.
Speaker 9:
Introducing the BioCharger NG, advanced technology that assists in restoring vital cellular energy.
Dom Knight:
What do you think the NJ stands for?
Andrew Hansen:
BioCharger NG. Well, they haven’t admitted what it stands for. Does it stand for “Not Good?”
Dom Knight:
No.
Charles Firth:
Yeah, I thought it was “Not Going to Work” was going to be the name.
Dom Knight:
No, look, it’s named after two scientists, Nikola Tesla and George Lakhovsky, and the BioCharger uses
their cutting edge research from more than a hundred years ago that every scientist has dismissed as
bullshit quackery until now.
Andrew Hansen:
Right. I can imagine, though, those two must be not turning in their graves. They must be just relaxing in
their graves, feeling the bioenergy vibes right now and feeling fantastic that their name has been used
for this.
Dom Knight:
Now, here’s another part of the quiz for you.
Speaker 10:
Scientific and medical studies have proven nutrition and exercise are both key factors towards optimal
health and prevention or recovery from chronic illness. But there is another important factor that’s
often overlooked.
Dom Knight:
So diet and exercise, and what’s the third thing?
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, let me guess. Plugging a BioCharger into your PowerPoint and sitting next to it?
Charles Firth:
Is it radio waves? Is it electricity?
Dom Knight:
You’re actually almost right. Here’s the missing ingredient in all of our lives.
Speaker 10:
… factor that’s often overlooked. Voltage.
Dom Knight:
Voltage. It’s voltage. This is what my doctor hasn’t been telling me. Diet, exercise and voltage.
Andrew Hansen:
And voltage. AC or DC, do we know?
Dom Knight:
That’s a really good question. Now, it is very, very exciting and it’s revolutionary. Just how
revolutionary? Check this out.
Speaker 10:
Think of our bodies a cell phone, just as daily use drains this battery, our everyday lives diminish the
voltage in our cells. The BioCharger is the world’s firstDom Knight:
BioCharger is the world’s first what? What do you think? What ground is being broken here?
Andrew Hansen:
Is it the world’s first human charger? Simply plug the thing into your butt and get recharged? Is that how
it works? Like a phone charger, but for a human being?
Dom Knight:
It’s actually like a phone charger. That is their marketing pitch. You’re understanding, but they call it
something that’s much cooler than phone charger for human, they call it a…
Speaker 10:
The world’s first subtle energy revitalization platform.
Dom Knight:
It’s a subtle revitalization platform, so subtle that some people mistakenly think it doesn’t do anything.
That’s how subtle it is. But it does. Let me reassure you, what it does is it bathes your body in four
energies at once? Light, okay, that was easy, frequencies and harmonics, whatever that is, voltage, they
say just a lightning storm, or only somehow this is totally safe, also at the same time it earths or grounds
you. Now, that’s normally what kills you when you get voltage in a lightening storm, but here it gives you
wellness, guys, wellness.
Charles Firth:
Wouldn’t grounding you discharge the voltage? Isn’t that the whole point of the voltage thing goes
through into the ground?
Dom Knight:
Hey, don’t get all scientific on this science, Charles.
Charles Firth:
You can call me Nikolai Tesla from now on.
Dom Knight:
Now, look, it has all kinds of positive effects for your lives, including …
Speaker 10:
The BioCharger helps align and sharpen the mind, accelerates muscle and injury recovery, reducesDom Knight:
What does it reduce?
Andrew Hansen:
Reduce your ability to disbelieve in bullshit, maybe?
Charles Firth:
Doesn’t it reduce the money in your wallet?
Dom Knight:
That is true, by $15,000. But it also reduces this.
Speaker 10:
… reduces stiffness and pain in joints.
Dom Knight:
Stiffness and pain in joints, which is very, very impressive. So you just sit in front of the thing for 15
minutes, all the lights flash, and then it works. I know you’re probably thinking, “Now, is it medically
proven?” Well, we can’t say that it is medically proven, but we do have this very impressive testimony.
Speaker 11:
So I was dealing with long term chronic illness that was really keeping me down, and both mainstream
medicine and alternative medicine failed to find out what the problem was.
Dom Knight:
So regular medicine failed him, alternative medicine failed him. So he turned to alternative medicine
and the BioCharger. Do you think that this wonderful gentleman got results for his unspecified chronic
illness?
Andrew Hansen:
Turned to not medicine. I’m sure he got results. I assume he must’ve got results because otherwise he
wouldn’t have given the testimonial, would he?
Dom Knight:
You’re right. Is that the Before and I went back to him for the After and he was dead.
Charles Firth:
Here’s the After. He’s very excited about it.
Speaker 11:
Quite simply, it turned my life around instantly, especially after I’d purchased one. I started using it
every single day.
Dom Knight:
Although if I’m honest, the medicine that was most effective for that guy was actually the weight. I want
to leave you guys with this challenge. I want to sell you a BioCharger today. Here’s what my challenge is
for you.
Speaker 10:
When your cell phone battery starts to drain, you recharge it. So why not do the same for your body?
Dom Knight:
Why not, Charles and Andrew? Why not recharge yourselves with the BioCharger?
Andrew Hansen:
$15,000 is why not.
Dom Knight:
That is that true, although the most common response is because Pete Evans is associated with it. But,
guys, look, I do stand behind BioCharger. Okay? A lot of people have criticized it including the TGA and
scientists, but I guarantee if you buy one from me, the machine does what we say that it does. It does
charge you. It charges you $15,000.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. More news, less often.
Speaker 7:
The Chaser Report is sponsored by Dr. Trump’s medical clinics. Are you worried you might have
coronavirus? Have you tried disinfectant? What about coffee? Or maybe house paint? Come in today
and we’ll inject you with something to see if it works.
Andrew Hansen:
Now, we’ve been talking about window hunts. I’ve been trying to explain it, in the days leading up to this
podcast, I mean, desperately trying to explain to Charles Firth the concept of the teddy bear hunt.
There’s this global phenomenon, anyone with kids who are below the age of school would be across this
phenomenon. It’s pretty much the only activity that you can do at the moment, is you’re allowed to go
out and exercise, right? And to make that fun for the little kids, they look for teddy bears in people’s
windows. So all around the world people are putting teddy bears in their windows to give the little kids
something fun to hunt for.
Andrew Hansen:
Now, Charles, I have tried to explain this concept to you again and again and again. You still can’t get
your head around it. Can you?
Charles Firth:
Yeah. I don’t quite get it. Why would that be fun?
Andrew Hansen:
Well, you’re not a three-year-old, Charles, you’ve got to remember what it was like. You get excited by
teddy bears.
Charles Firth:
The joy of seeing some teddy bear hanged by a noose in the windowAndrew Hansen:
You don’t have to hang the teddy bear. Who’s hanging the teddy bear by a noose?
Charles Firth:
Neighbor’s doing that. You said you he was hanging teddy bears.
Andrew Hansen:
They’re positioned in the window so that there’s something adorable for kids to walk past and look at.
They’re not on a tiny little gallows with a teddy bear hangman standing there, Charles.
Charles Firth:
I thought it was some sort of like Halloween scary thing. I now understand, butAndrew Hansen:
Look, you have no soul or imagination or brain. Okay. So now that you’ve got it, now, I mean the other
thing is where is rainbows. You probably might have seen, had you gone outside, a lot of people put
rainbows around as well, which I gather is a thing to just try and make us feel optimistic and rainbowy.
Andrew Hansen:
But, now, I’ve got a problem, Charles and Dom, which is that my kid is sick to death of looking for the
bloody teddy bears, because you’re not allowed to go far. Right? So she’s seen the same dozen teddy
bears like 13 times. She’s so fed up with going for these teddy bear hunts. I think we need something
new to put in our windows for the kids to hunt for.
Dom Knight:
Well, I think just take Charles’s suggestion. You get all your neighbors to put the teddy bears on gallows.
That way she won’t want to say them ever again, because they’ll be horrifying. [crosstalk 00:29:27].
Charles Firth:
It would certainly some suspense. It would add some suspense, especially if each day they changed and
it got closer and closer to being hung.
Andrew Hansen:
Like Hangman, the game Hangman.
Dom Knight:
Look, I, live near Charles, actually and I think he’s not the only person who doesn’t understand this
game, because in our neighborhood there’s not a lot of people who’ve embraced this game. But the
thing that we have done that my daughter finds absolutely adorable is when we go for a walk, we do
look at the beer bottles outside people’s homes. Everyone’s drinking their heads off in lockdown. You
get five points for a vodka bottle, you get 10 points for a case of beer, outside Charles’s house, there’s all
these bongs and spliffs and mirrors with a suspicious powder or other. That’s worth 50. So that’s a really
fun game.
Dom Knight:
And you know what it [crosstalk 00:30:12] … It is maths.
Andrew Hansen:
It’s a really good educational game. That’s a great idea, Dom. How many brain cells has Uncle Charles
destroyed with the amount of booze that’s outside his house? Well, I think you’ve solved this. I think
you’ve solved it, Dommy. This is brilliant. I think we should declare it right now: Teddy bear hunt is over;
it’s a global beer bottle hunt, is going to take over for the kids.
Dom Knight:
And look, if you’ve got a photo of a massive stash of empties outside your house, send it in by the chase
of Facebook page. We want to celebrate the person with the biggest isolation empties collection. Put
out your empties, Australia.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. News you know you can’t trust.
Speaker 7:
The Chaser Report is sponsored by Dr. Trump’s medical clinics. All our treatments are 100% guaranteed.
They’re beautiful. They really are a thing of beauty, but if they don’t work, we were being sarcastic.
Speaker 7:
International, global news world roundup.
Dom Knight:
It’s time to catch up with one of the most important news from around the world, Charles and Andrew.
In the UK, out of sheer boredom, a woman has dyed her poodle bright green to surprise her mother. It
totally worked. How bored would you have to be to go through the effort of holding down a dog for long
enough to dye all of it’s fiddly poodle fur bright green?
Andrew Hansen:
I think boredom should be measured on a scale of one to watching Adam Sandler rom-com movies on
Netflix. And I think this comes before watching Adam Sandler’s nitpicks wrong.
Dom Knight:
Actually, if we dyed Adam Sandler bright green, those movies might be actually entertaining. What do
you think the poor dog felt during this ordeal?
Andrew Hansen:
Well, that’s the question. We should consider the dog, shouldn’t we? I imagine the dog felt a bit green.
Dom Knight:
Yeah. I don’t know how else she would feel in a situation like this.
Andrew Hansen:
I think the dog would have been fine. But, I mean, he’s in quarantine too. He’s not going to see other
dogs anyway. It’s just like getting a quarantine haircut.
Charles Firth:
Well it is, isn’t it? Did he post himself on Instagram, this dog go, “Look?”
Andrew Hansen:
He was using a green screen so it didn’t work.
Charles Firth:
Ah. Ah.
Dom Knight:
Well played. Now, a lot of people have been doing stuff with their hair during isolation. We’ve see IsoBeards, weird haircuts, a lot of dye jobs because people can’t go to the hairdresser or don’t want to, so
we’re seeing their natural colors come through. Are you guys tempted to experiment during this period?
Andrew Hansen:
To experiment? Are you talking about haircuts still or something else?
Dom Knight:
With an Iso-Beard. Iso-Beard or maybe a hair dye.
Andrew Hansen:
Look, Dommym see, the thing about the haircuts, it’s fun for a while, but we’re looking at potentially
months and months and months or years of this. I can see people getting over the haircut thing quite
soon. And knowing the human race, I think people are going to start pushing the envelope. And pretty
soon I reckon we’re going to start seeing some, some Iso-Beard pubes. I think that’s where it’s headed. I
reckon people are going to start doing things with their pubes and posting them. Just you wait, this is my
prediction. I hate to be Pubestradamus on you and all this, but if you think the green poodle is one thing,
I reckon there’s going to be a few more green poodles appearing pretty soon, if you know what I mean.
Dom Knight:
Yeah, put out your rainbows.
Charles Firth:
What makes you think that that hasn’t already started happening, Andrew?
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, are you? Is this a thing? Well, I haven’t looked up the hashtags. I haven’t looked up #IsoPubes yet,
but I’ll check it out now that you’ve mentioned it, that’s a bigger phenomenon than bloody window
hunting or whatever it’s called.
Dom Knight:
Right. Because of course we’ve got pubes. Everybody got rid of their pubes didn’t they in the 2010s, but I
guess during these restrictions, you can’t go and get that done any more, can you? I assume it’s a health
risk. So I guess everybody must have grown them back, and that now they’ll be wanting to do some
topiary.
Charles Firth:
My son, my nine-year-old has always wanted me to grow a handlebar mustache [crosstalk 00:34:21] …
got everything but the handlebar.
Andrew Hansen:
He clearly hasn’t seen a handlebar mustache, has he? He’s just read about them.
Charles Firth:
I just think it’s a waste doing it under lockdown. Why waste all that sexual allure if you can’t go out and
use it.
Dom Knight:
It just needs to go to Melbourne and go to any café. The barista will have one.
Dom Knight:
Now, look over to Indonesia where it’s actually compulsory for everybody to wear masks in public. And
police in Bali have been punishing people who haven’t been wearing the masks. What they do is that, so
the motorbike riders or whatever, they have to drop to the ground and do pushups. This is absolutely
true. I’ve seen a whole lot of videos of it. Do you think that’s a good idea? Cop saying, “No, give me five.”
Charles Firth:
Five pushups? If they tried that on me that it would be capital punishment, I think.
Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. I mean, that’d be a life sentence. The pandemic would be over before I got to
pushup number three. Sit ups at worth it.
Charles Firth:
Yeah. Actually, sit ups would be worth [crosstalk 00:35:24].
Andrew Hansen:
Sit up. Actually, if you really wanted to punish someone, you would make them do burpees. That would
be terrible.
Dom Knight:
Should we do this here, though, do you think? Do you think rather than all this laborious thing of fines
and so on, should cops just be going, “Nope, gimme five. Down you go.”
Andrew Hansen:
I reckon that in parts of Australia that would be seen as a very bad punishment. I reckon in Queanbeyan,
or the outer suburbs of just about any city in Australia, that would just be terrible. People would go, “No
way.”
Dom Knight:
They still accept envelopes of cash. I mean, they are Australian cops.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, well, yeah.
Dom Knight:
Now, there’s a program in the UK, though, obviously the NHS is under a lot of pressure right now,
they’re calling it Clap for Our Carriers. What they do, I think once a week on Sunday evening or
something, the whole nation stops and applauds. NHS workers who are putting themselves in harm’s
way. And a UK man called Jack Pegham wanted to take this to the next level by clapping for 24 hours
straight, or 24 hours of applause, and he streamed his attempt online. I’ve got to say, it’s not the most
exciting video I’ve ever seen. It’s 24 hours of this.
Dom Knight:
Which I suppose also sounds sex. But anyway.
Andrew Hansen:
Yes. He’s not even very good at clapping. That’s the irony of that man. I mean, these claps were all
irregular. Well, they have chosen the worst clapper in Britain to be the face of this campaign. What?
Charles Firth:
Do you reckon you could do it? Clap for 24 hours?
Andrew Hansen:
I reckon it’s quite hard. Your hands do get sore, don’t they, after a long period of applause at a gig or
something?
Dom Knight:
They would. They would. And I mean … Oh, look. Oh, God. And one of the things that they recommend
specifically so that you don’t catch this virus is that you get plenty of rest. This guy, he’s risking
everybody’s lives to clap this way.
Charles Firth:
I think my concern would be that I’d slow down after an hour or two and it would just sound like
[crosstalk 00:37:26].
Andrew Hansen:
You’re slow clapping the workers. You’d be arrested. There’d be a headline the next day, wouldn’t
there? “Firth arrested for slow clapping health workers.”
Charles Firth:
When I first heard about this story, I didn’t realize it was clapping the worker. I thought it was trying to
get the clap. Like it was 24 hours of him just trying to get the clap on video. That, I would watch. That, I
would watch.
Dom Knight:
So, look, the good news is he succeeded. He managed to make it all the way through the 24 hours. And
when he hit the 8:00 PM deadline, you’ll hear the audio here. His flatmate gets very excited. And Jack
made, I think, an extremely English speech. Have a listen to what he said after setting this amazing
record.
Speaker 14:
Yes, eight o’clock.
Dom Knight:
There’s the flatmate.
Speaker 15:
So here we are.
Dom Knight:
“So there we are,” is all he could think of to say. He had 24 hours to come up with his speech.
Charles Firth:
He should’ve given the guy a clap, [inaudible 00:38:25]. Maybe for 24 hours.
Dom Knight:
It made me wonder, though, 24 hours. I mean, maybe we should consider doing something for 24 hours
for charity.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, for 24 hours, Dommy? 24 hours in a row?
Dom Knight:
In a row.
Andrew Hansen:
Oh, I know, I know. I know. What about this? Fap for our carers. I’d be happy to do that.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Less news, more often.
Charles Firth:
Anyway, that’s the end of the show, although, actually, we’ve got a breaking news headline from [Big
Dana Munoz 00:38:56].
Rebecca de Unamuno:
Yes, guys, news just in. John Farnham has announced his farewell tour has been tragically cut short after
just 15 years. Back to you.
Charles Firth:
Thanks Beck, and remember to check us out online at chaser.com.au. Find us on Facebook, Twitter, and
Instagram, and even on TikTok, now, guys, did you know that? We’re on TikTok.
Dom Knight:
Woohoo!
Andrew Hansen:
No. I didn’t know and don’t care too.
Charles Firth:
All right, yeah.
Dom Knight:
I’m very excited for whatever platform that is.
Charles Firth:
Exactly. Well, and search for The Chaser Report podcast in your app of choice, and remember to hit
Subscribe to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an episode so that you can then ignore it.
Charles Firth:
We’d like to thank our producer, [Radian Mike Liberali 00:39:43], and we’re going to leave you this week
with a very exciting new podcast from The Chaser that we’ve been working on for a long, long time.
Charles Firth:
Hi. I’m Charles.
Rebecca de Unamuno:
And I am Beck, and this is The Chaser Tech podcast.
Charles Firth:
And this is The Chaser Tech podcast. This week, we all wear smart nose rings. The Samsung Galaxy
Bluetooth nose ring promises to vibrate every time you get a notification from your SmartTube. Is that a
good thing, or will your fridge get jealous?
Rebecca de Unamuno:
And I take a look at smart pizza boxes. It’s always useful when your pizza box can see and hear
everything you do, but what about the privacy concerns? We talked to one maker of smart pizza boxes
to find out his opinion.
Charles Firth:
That’s The Chaser Tech podcast for cashed up millennials with Charles and Beck. Download it now to
your smart nose ring.






 

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