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The Chaser Report – Episode 2 – Home Schoolies Week

Charles, Dom and Andrew lament the collapse of Virgin Australia, while Dom tries to figure out what the world is going to do with all its spare oil. Andrew takes a look at how one American preacher is dealing with the virus, also, with kids heading back for another term of homeschooling, we give you our top tips in how to make homeschool as unbearable as real school. Plus regular updates from Bec De Unamuno in the Chaser Newsroom delivering all the news you know you can’t trust.

Stream above, visit it at Nova, and subscribe to it wherever you get your podcasts.

TRANSCRIPT:

Rebecca De Unamuno:
In times like these it’s important to know who you can trust. At last, a new source that’s reliably reliable,
informatively informational and never wrong. Unfortunately you’re not listening to it. Instead you’re
listening to the Chaser Report.

Charles Firth:
Hello. Welcome to another episode of the Chaser Report. News you can’t trust. I’m Charles Firth and
joining me today are Andrew Hansen and Dominic Knight. Dom, what a big week. I mean it’s the biggest
week we’ve had since, I don’t know, last week. Virgin collapsed this week. Petrol prices collapsed. But
Dom, what are you going to miss most about Virgin being gone?

Dom Knight:
I really value the choice Charles, with Virgin. If I don’t feel like flying Qantas, I have the option to pay just
as much for a worse experience with Virgin.

Charles Firth:
It was good. Andrew, do you have any thoughts about the Virgin collapse?

Andrew Hansen:
Yeah. Charles. Look, I will miss Virgin. What’s what I miss? So I guess, I’m going to miss the chance to use
my points to buy a third of a toaster.

Dom Knight:
I mean, for me, I still think of it as Virgin Blue. Back in those early days, it really blew.

Charles Firth:
It really did. Coming up, Andrew Hansen’s going to look at American preachers who think the
coronavirus is nothing to worry about. Dom’s going to, well, I mean he’s, he’s an expert in all things zero,
so he’s looking at what it means when the oil price goes below $0 a barrel. But first, let’s check in with
Rebecca De Unamuno who’s got the latest Chaser news headlines.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Virgin has finally been fucked. A spokesperson said the company said it got fucked on the weekend and
since it was its first time, it simply didn’t know to use protection against a virus. Former prime minister
Malcolm Turnbull, has released a book about his time in politics without any spine whatsoever. The
memoir features a front and back cover, pages on the inside, but no spine. Critics noted the book falls
apart remarkably quickly. Each book comes with a free knife firmly planted in the back cover, signed by
Mathias Cormann. Mr Turnbull was emailed for comment, but he’s waiting for the email to arrive on his
MBN connection. A new study out today shows parents are limiting the screen time for their kids to just
one hour every 60 minutes. The figures come after official government guidelines were updated to
recommend that parents do whatever it takes to keep the little fuckers quiet.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Experts say, although one hour per hour is the norm, it is still important to make sure children take a
break from computer screens by mixing it up with other different screens such as television or another
computer, at least once a day. A local shopper has expressed outrage after turning up to his local
Bunnings to discover the shop packed with people. The man posted a lengthy rant to Facebook in which
he pointed out the entire nation is supposed to be in lockdown and only he was the one exempt from
the rules. That’s the Chaser of report headlines, news you can’t trust.

Charles Firth:
Thanks Beck. Hey Beck, did you have many Virgin frequent flyer points that are now useless?

Rebecca De Unamuno:
No, I was smart. I saw the collapse coming, so I traded all my points in for a $30 gift voucher to Brashers.

Charles Firth:
Oh, well that’s very clever.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Less news, less often.

Richard Branson:
This week’s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me, Richard Branson. You may have heard that my
airline Virgin has recently lost its virginity, but I promise you I am raising money like never before. I’ve
begged several governments to refund all $0 of my tax. I’ve mortgaged my private island, although we
can’t hold open house inspections, so domain has reduced the asking price a bit. Like many comedians
at this difficult time, Virgin’s humorous inflight announcements are now being streamed online for your
at-home enjoyment. They’re very amusing. And most importantly, for our valued frequent flyers, rest
assured your points are safe behind the counter at your nearest Virgin Megastore.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news a few days after it happens.

Dom Knight:
Look, huge news in the oil industry this week. Prices have fallen much further than I thought was even
possible.

Richard Branson:
The price for a barrel of West Texas crude turned negative for the first time ever. Ending the day at a jaw
dropping minus $37.63 cents a barrel. Meaning sellers were willing to pay buyers to have it taken off
their hands.

Dom Knight:
Yeah. So if you can find anyone to buy oil right now, guys, you’ll actually get paid for it. It’s probably the
best job opportunity available.

Charles Firth:
You know what I reckon they should do with it. And I think some might have already done that. You
know how kombucha tastes really shit? I reckon you just market it as a new form of kombucha, like
petrol-flavored kombucha. Everyone go, Oh wow. Oh yeah. And you can say it’s all natural, it’s
completely natural. Comes out of the ground.

Dom Knight:
Yeah. Crude kombucha. I like it.

Andrew Hansen:
Well this is extraordinary. I mean, who’s going to get all this oil though? I mean, if it’s so undesirable…
Why is it so undesirable, oil? What’s wrong with it? What’s wrong with it?

Dom Knight:
Well, they’ve got far more than they need, so I’ve been trying to find people to just take it off my hands,
serve as a kind of a middle man and I’m marketing it as extra Virgin, cold pressed crude. And I’ve
managed to sell some to channel nine, they use an awful lot of oil keeping Richard Wilkins lubricated.

Andrew Hansen:
I can imagine. I mean he’s awfully dry, isn’t he?

Dom Knight:
Everyone’s trying to cook at home at the moment, so the people who probably want to make
kombucha, but I’ve been selling some to everyone who’s trying to cook KFC at home. It’s an essential
ingredient. Just dip the chicken in crude and it tastes like the real thing.

Andrew Hansen:
It’s the 11th secret herb and spice I imagine, crude oil from Saudi Arabia.

Dom Knight:
But look, there is a big problem with all this spare oil that’s been lying around.

News Reporter:
Now storage facilities are almost filled to the brim. There are concerns the world could run out of places
to store the excess supply.

Dom Knight:
So where do we put it? I mean, I’ve stored as much as I can at home. Every saucepan, cup and jug.
There’s no more baths for my daughter. It’s just full of oil and we just need places to store the oil. I
mean I live in a terrace, so the entire ground floor of my terrace is now an oil tank. We’ve got to be very
careful about smoking though.

Charles Firth:
Well our local council pool is closed at the moment. So I was thinking why don’t they just drain that and
fill it with petrol?

Dom Knight:
I mean it’s a good thought, Charles. Anything that’s sort of unused. I mean I was thinking maybe all the
kegs in pubs. I mean they’re not useful at the moment are they? I think we should fill them with crude.

Charles Firth:
What a brilliant idea. And then when you need some oil, just go into the pub and they’ll just pull the tap
and give you some crude.

Andrew Hansen:
And I think it’d work especially well in Queensland. I don’t think you’d be able to tell the difference
between that and the Four X anyway when the pubs reopen, you just keep it as is.

Dom Knight:
I’m wondering if we can get bigger than this. I’m wondering if we can do Sydney Harbor. I mean we’re
not really using it at the moment. Can’t go sailing or anything really. Imagine how exciting Vivid would
be with the lights reflecting off all of that oil?

Andrew Hansen:
I think there’s a problem, Dommy, though that if you did that, that the Harbor would end up much
cleaner than it currently is.

Dom Knight:
That’s totally true. But look, there are lots of options here. You can make a lot of money just by buying
oil or selling oil or using however you can. The only problem is, as soon as they heard I was building an
oil stock pile, the US invaded me.

Charles Firth:But I actually reckon this whole thing is bullshit. I reckon, because they said it went into negative
territory and that they’d pay you to take it off it’s hands. But then I went to my local survo the other day
and it’s just bullshit, didn’t happen at all.

Charles Firth:
Oil prices are now in negative territory, less than $0. So if I fill up my tank, will you give me money?

Petrol Station Manager:
I’m not sure I can do that.

Charles Firth:
But I’ll take 40 liters of petrol off your hand. Can you make me an offer, like say 20 bucks or something?

Petrol Station Manager:
No, I can’t do that at the moment. I’m really sorry. Whatever the pricing comes from my head office so I
have no control over my pricing at the store.

Andrew Hansen:
But I love how he blames head office for the fact that he doesn’t want to pay us to take away his petrol.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report, news you know you can’t trust.

Andrew Hansen:
Now of course, Dommy and Charles, during this rather difficult time, we need to turn to people for a bit
of help and it might be celebrities. I quite like opening up Facebook and looking at the latest celebrities
who can calm us down. But understandably a lot of people are also turning to religion and I had a bit of
a scout around online to find the most encouraging sort of religious sermon that I could find on the
subject of the COVID pandemic. And I’d like to share that with you guys right now. Just to get… Sort of,
as a public service, I suppose more than anything.

Andrew Hansen:
Now, there’s an American pastor, he’s an exciting guy. His name is Kenneth Copeland. Now, I don’t know
if you’ve checked out any of Kenneth’s shows, but, well, he made a prediction actually. He’s an
interesting guy because he made this prediction back when COVID-19 first became a problem. And he
decided to share that prediction with his congregation and his YouTube followers. Now, luckily what
happened was God spoke to Kenneth Copeland at exactly 9:24 in the evening and he gave Kenneth
some very good news, although God didn’t seem quite sure what the name of the COVID-19 illness
actually is.

Kenneth Copeland:
Suddenly the word of the Lord came to me, so I jumped up, ran, got my note pad and wrote it down.
9:24. This disease called CODV 19 will be over much sooner than you think.

Andrew Hansen:
So there’s a bit of good news. If you’re worried about CODV 19 then that particular disease.

Charles Firth:
The Cod virus.

Dom Knight:
If you’ve got COVID, you’re screwed. But CODV sufferers, very good news.

Andrew Hansen:
That’s right. And so I hope you feel reassured by that. Anyway. Look, eventually both God and Kenneth
figured out the name of the virus. Or is it a virus? I mean, in Kenneth’s mind, this virus is actually a bit
more evil than you might have initially thought.

Kenneth Copeland:
In the name of Jesus. Thank you Jesus. Standing in the office of the prophet of God. I execute judgment
on you COVID-19. I execute judgment on you, Satan. You destroyer. You killer.

Andrew Hansen:
So this is interesting to me because that’s what the virus is. It’s Satan. That’s what we’re up against. No
wonder they’re having difficulty curing the damn thing.

Charles Firth:
Why aren’t the scientists following up on this and working out how to get rid of Satan?

Andrew Hansen:
Well, this is the thing. Well, we might not need the scientists though, Charles, because fortunately
Kenneth has become rather cross at Satan/virus and he’s not afraid to boss this naughty virus around
himself. Take a listen.

Kenneth Copeland:
You come down from your place of authority, destroyer. You come down and you crawl on your belly
like God commanded you when he

Andrew Hansen:
Now question for you Charles and Dom, like God commanded you when he did what to Satan?

Dom Knight:
I mean, what I’m thinking of, hearing him talk, is when Jesus turned water into wine. I think he’s had a
lot of special water lately.

Charles Firth:
It sounds like the time that Jesus turned Satan into the human centipede, maybe.

Andrew Hansen:
It’s not a bad guess. They’re both quite good guesses.

Charles Firth:
Is that in the Bible?

Andrew Hansen:
It might be in the Apocrypha.

Dom Knight:
Right next to Sodom, I think.

Andrew Hansen:
Let’s listen to exactly what God did to Satan.

Kenneth Copeland:
Like God commanded you when he put his foot on your head.

Andrew Hansen:
Apparently that’s what he did. So maybe that’s the solution to the virus. We just stand on it’s head. I
guess.

Dom Knight:
Well, I guess you could make the virus go away with shouting [inaudible 00:12:26] we’d be fine.

Andrew Hansen:
We’d be good. Look, he’s not always… You say shouting, Dommy, you say shouting, but pastor Kenneth
Copeland is not always so brusque. He actually had a very polite request to make of this virus. It goes
like this.

Kenneth Copeland:
You get out, you break your power. You get off this nation. I demand judgment on you. I demand, I
demand, I demand.

Andrew Hansen:
Now a question. Apropos of demanding, what does pastor Kenneth Copeland demand?

Dom Knight:
Some more crack?

Charles Firth:
Exactly. Methamphetamine isn’t it? No, I assume it’s the last, those three digits on the back of your
credit card number. Isn’t that what they usually demand?

Dom Knight:
Yeah that’s true.

Andrew Hansen:
At the end of the day. Well okay, let’s reveal the answer. I can reveal what does Kenneth Copeland
demand?

Kenneth Copeland:
I demand. I demand. I demand a vaccination to come immediately.

Andrew Hansen:
I’m astonished that that guy believes in vaccines.

Dom Knight:
It’s the most unbelievable part of his whole sermon.

Andrew Hansen:
There’s a first time for everything, isn’t there Dommy? But good news. He’s demanded it immediately. I
mean because we keep getting told don’t we, that we’re going to have to wait 12 months at least or
whatever. No, he’s demanding it immediately. He’s gone further than that. He’s actually declared the
entire pandemic over. Although unfortunately he only remembered to get a vaccination for one country.

Kenneth Copeland:
It is over and the United States of America is healed.

Charles Firth:
Oh that’s great news. And you heard it here first.

Dom Knight:
What a pity they’ve put the integration ban in.

Rebecca De Unamuno:Striving for mediocrity in a world of excellence. This is the Chaser Report.

Richard Branson:
This week’s Chaser Report is proudly sponsored by me, Richard Branson. It’s halfway through the
episode. So would you like to buy a copy of my autobiography? No? What about a private island then?

Charles Firth:
So kids headed back to school this week in Queensland and they’ve already been back for a week in
Victoria. And in New South Wales they’re heading back to school next week. I don’t know about the rest
of the States but I don’t about them anyway. Point is, I thought it would be a good time to just give
parents some homeschooling tips. Because I’ve got two kids, I’ve got a nine year old and 11 year old.
And I just thought I’ve been running a fairly tight ship with my homeschool in the last sort of four or five
weeks and I’ve got a bit of knowledge to pass on. So first one is, it’s really important to sort of set up a
really rigid routine and have a bit of discipline. And I think one way to signal that is you should make
them get dressed into their school uniform every day.

Andrew Hansen:
No, you don’t do that, do you?

Charles Firth:
Yeah, no, I do. Yep. Yep. And people do mock me for it. People sort of say that’s a stupid thing, but it
does work because the kids hate you so much for making them do that, that it’s just got that school vibe
from the very beginning of the day. But they really just hate you.

Andrew Hansen:Do you insist on the school shoes as well? Do you do a shoe inspection to make sure they’re polished?

Charles Firth:
Yes. Yes. And they’ve got to have their socks up to their knees and everything like that.

Andrew Hansen:
What about ties? Do you have posh private school kids, Charles? Do they were ties?

Charles Firth:
No, we go to public schools, but no I get them to wear a tie definitely.

Dom Knight:
And a boater I assume.

Charles Firth:
Yeah and a boater.

Andrew Hansen:
Indoors.

Charles Firth:
Exactly. But and I, too, get dressed up as well, as a teacher. Unfortunately the only teacher’s outfit we
have is one of those sexy teachers outfits that I got from my wife last Halloween.

Dom Knight:
It’s what Catholic teachers wear, isn’t it?

Charles Firth:
Yeah, it’s a sort of Catholic vibe to the whole school. Very weird.

Andrew Hansen:
Well you want to replicate the real experience, I suppose, don’t you?

Charles Firth:
Yeah, no, exactly. Exactly. Prepare them for the real world. And so I just wanted to also go through a few
tips on various subjects. So the first thing is maths, right? So what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to trust
yourself on this one. The answers, I can tell you now, the answers in the back of the maths books are
just always wrong. They are universally wrong. I don’t know why they put them in there, but they are
never correct.

Andrew Hansen:
You sure about this Charles?

Charles Firth:
I’m pretty sure. Especially on things like subtraction, stuff like that. They just never get it right. It’s so
weird. I mean, unless you use the calculator on the computer, then suddenly the answers seem to be
right, but I’m pretty sure that they’ve got it wrong.

Dom Knight:
I’m confident that your kids are getting lots of practice adding up daddy’s day drinks.

Charles Firth:
That is true. That’s why you have three breaks a day, you have your crunch and sip at 10:00 AM. You
have recess at 11:00 AM. And then you have lunch at 12:30. And they are all great opportunities to go
and get a glass of wine.

Dom Knight:
A special popper.

Andrew Hansen:
Sorry, did you call one of them crunch and sip?

Charles Firth:
Yeah. Crunch and sip.

Andrew Hansen:
What the hell is crunch and sip? That’s a made up break. That’s not a school break.

Charles Firth:
Really?

Andrew Hansen:
We didn’t have that. [crosstalk 00:17:59].

Charles Firth:
No, that’s because they found out… This is true. They found out that kids were arriving to school having
not eaten breakfast and so everyone was really hungry at 10:00 AM and it makes them concentrate.

Andrew Hansen:
And they called it crunch and sip? It should be called brunch. Crunch and sip is not a meal.

Charles Firth:
And they should hand out smashed avocado.

Andrew Hansen:
Yes. The real world.

Charles Firth:
Is that what goes on at your school, your local school?

Andrew Hansen:
Well I live in Melbourne Charles, so yes, we have very sophisticated school brunches, thanks. In
Laneways.

Charles Firth:
Everyone has a single origin short black as well.

Andrew Hansen:
They do. They do.

Dom Knight:
There’s a barista in every public school in Melbourne.

Andrew Hansen:
Of course there is.

Charles Firth:
English is another area which, I must say, has changed a lot since our days because they don’t teach kids
how to spell anymore. They don’t know how to spell anything really. And I know this because I did a
spelling test with the kids the other day and I asked them to spell anymore or anything and they can’t
spell either of them.

Dom Knight:
So they can’t literally spell anything.

Charles Firth:
They literally can’t spell anything.

Andrew Hansen:
What a shame.

Charles Firth:
Hartley, my 11 year old spelled it with an E. E-N-Y.

Dom Knight:
He can’t spell anything that kid.

Charles Firth:
He can’t spell anything.

Dom Knight:
So this isn’t so much of a joke. It’s just you shaming your child on a podcast.

Charles Firth:
I’m really hoping he doesn’t listen to this, but I should go through some of the technology as well. If you
live in New South Wales, the department of education here uses Google Classroom as their way of
interacting. And that is an amazing technology. What it does is, at the beginning of the day, you get to
see all the assignments that your son has been set for the day. So it really reinforces your lack of
achievement at getting your kids to do anything during the day.

Dom Knight:
It’s really nice that Google’s constant surveillance of all of us is actually being put to a good use during
this period.

Charles Firth:
It’s great. The kids love it. They’re real fans of Google Classroom. And then we’ve got Behind the News.
Do you know Behind the News still exists?

Andrew Hansen:
It does not.

Dom Knight:
Is Richard Morecroft still hosting it?

Charles Firth:
I don’t know.

Dom Knight:
In his 80s?

Charles Firth:
I’d pop out for a wine whenever it comes on.

Andrew Hansen:
Behind the cabinet.

Charles Firth:
The kids have to watch it. It’s 25 minutes long. It’s a fantastic resource. Although I think it’s actually
turned into a bit of a Fox news thing, because last week… This is absolutely true. I said, “What did you
learn from Behind the News?” And they went, “Well immigrants come here and cost the government
lots of money.” It was one of the talking points. And then they said, “And coal power plants employ lots
of people.”

Dom Knight:
Is this Behind the Sky News?

Charles Firth:
Yeah, that’s really the Sky news. But that’s the Andrew Bolt version of Behind the News. The other sort
of weird tech thing is, you’d think that the one advantage of homeschooling is that the kids can’t chat
amongst each other in the classroom. You have full attention by your kids. The other day. So there’s this
chat app called Discord that is used for video gaming and things like that. The other day I caught my 11
year old and what he’d done is there’s a setting on Discord which means that you can hide that the app’s
on. And he’d set up a chat with the guy who he sits next to at school, and he was just chatting to him
without my knowledge. Was supposed to be working. I mean what a bloody genius.

Dom Knight:
So that’s like real school.

Andrew Hansen:
At least he’s learned something.

Charles Firth:
Yeah, exactly. And I actually asked him how much he’d been doing that with his friend, Jarvis.

Charles Firth:
How often do you speak to Jarvis using Discord while you’re supposed to be working at homeschool?

Charles’ Son:

I’d rather not answer that.

Charles Firth:
Anyway. So homeschooling is basically a horrible experience, but it is an opportunity to spend time with
your kids. And remember that is time you’ll never get back. But I think my kids do like it. I mean I’ve
been spending literally about 25 hours a week doing it, each and every week, putting in a huge effort. So
I thought I should do a bit of a survey of the kids. Because it’s always nice to get some good feedback
from them.

Charles Firth:
What’s your favorite thing about homeschool?

Charles’ Son:
Nothing.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
The Chaser Report. Now with extra whispers.

Andrew:
International global news world roundup.

Dom Knight:
Yes. Let’s catch up on some of the world’s most important news stories, Charles and Andrew. Firstly,
what wonderful news from Scotland, Nessie, the Loch Ness monster has surfaced for it’s second official
sighting this year. Why do you think Nessie’s suddenly turning up during COVID?

Andrew Hansen:
Oh, is she? Don’t tell me there’s a Glasgow wet markets selling Nessie meat?

Dom Knight:
Is that what’s going on? We’ve got enough Coronas.

Charles Firth:
I actually think I know the reason why and it’s because, with lockdown, everyone’s drinking more. So
they all think that they see the Loch Ness monster, isn’t that the only reason it’s sighted?

Andrew Hansen:
What are you talking about Charles? This is Scotland you’re talking about Charles. They already drink 365
days a year. They can’t drink more.

Dom Knight:
This is real stuff.

Charles Firth:
It’s actually the only place in the world where there’s less drinking during lockdown.

Dom Knight:
So I mean, given that Nessie’s here, who else could show up? Any other legendary monsters you’d like to
see re-appearing?

Andrew Hansen:
That’s a good question, Dommy. I mean I think we’re going to need some dragons. Now that Virgin
airlines has collapsed. A very affordable way to fly.

Charles Firth:
Yeah. And I was thinking it’d be good to have Batman, because bats have such a bad reputation because
the virus came from and everything like that. Maybe Batman should make an appearance and sort of
revive the reputation of bats.

Andrew Hansen:
You’d steer well clear of Batman at this point, wouldn’t you? I mean if he showed up he would not be
welcome.

Charles Firth:
Especially if Pangolin Man showed up. That’d be terrible.

Andrew Hansen:
You don’t want him. You don’t want a visit from him.

Dom Knight:
Now heading to Canada where helpful tip from an Ontario waste company. They’ve reminded residents
not to recycle swords. Someone put a sword in their recycling bin and apparently it jammed the
machinery. Do you think that’s unfair? Should recyclers be forced to take our spare weapons?

Charles Firth:
Yes. Yes. And this is a huge problem. I’ve actually been in a fight with council for months because they
refuse to recycle my trebuchet, that I have.

Andrew Hansen:
Oh dear. Look, this does sound bad to me Dommy. I mean, look, I think if people are just going to throw
swords into landfill, then they’re going to end up in the ocean and get mistaken for a swordfish. I mean
that’ll be very confusing for Marine life.

Dom Knight:
What would you suggest people do with their spare weapons if they don’t want to put them in the
council bins?

Charles Firth:
Well if they’ve got a sword, surely you should use it as a bottle opener. So every time you have a
Methuselah of champagne, you just whack the sword across the neck and open the bottle.

Dom Knight:
I think a suit of armor would be very useful for social distancing at this point in time. And finally speaking
of things you can wear, let’s head to Florida. Here is a report from CBS in Miami.

News Reporter:
Broward circuit judge Dennis Bailey says he had one male lawyer who appeared shirtless, then a female
attorney appeared to be still in bed and under the covers.

Dom Knight:
Yes, lawyers are turning up to their Zoom court without dressing properly. Should the judge be
concerned about dress standards in Zoom court?

Andrew Hansen:
No. No, that’s fine. No. I’d go further. I actually wouldn’t mind seeing some Snapchat filters on lawyers in
court. I reckon it’d be fun to be defended by a lawyer with a cat’s face or a lawyer who’s made to look
like a baby.

Dom Knight:
Or a snake, which they look like anyway.

Andrew Hansen:
Or a snake. The defendant’s too. I wouldn’t mind seeing an accused murderer with a filter to make him
look like a unicorn or something. I think that would make court cases a lot more fun.

Charles Firth:
I disagree with Andrew on this one because I think courts are actually, they have to be respected. I mean
ever since the George Pill verdict I’ve just held the high court in such high esteem here. And I think
you’ve got to treat them with that sort of respect. So no, I totally against it.

Andrew Hansen:
We wouldn’t have wanted Pill to appear on a Zoom meeting in bed. It may have provided an extra piece
of evidence.

Dom Knight:
Not guilty, allegedly. But look, how do you think this compares? The people turning up naked to court in
Florida? How does it compare to the rule here? Is it more or less ridiculous than our, all the barristers
have to have a clump of white horse hair on their heads to go into court.

Charles Firth:
Oh is that horse hair? I thought that that was bed hair.

Andrew Hansen:
As long as they’re not wearing a bat on their head, I feel safe.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
None of the medical advice contained in the Chaser Report should legally be considered medical advice.
The Chaser Report.

Richard Branson:
Hi, I’m Richard Branson and I’m proud to sponsor the Virgin Report. Sure, they call it the Chaser Report,
but you can’t tell me these three aren’t virgins.

Charles Firth:
So we’re coming up to the end of the show, but we do have some breaking news from Rebecca De
Unamuno in the newsroom.

Rebecca De Unamuno:
Yes guys, news just in. More bad news after Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp announced it had been hit
hard by the Corona virus and that it would consider laying off some coalition MPs and may even have to
sell off some of the MPs it owns.

Charles Firth:
Thanks Beck. So that’s the end of the show. Check us out online at chaser.com.au. Find us on Twitter at
Chaser and on Instagram at Chaserwar. Search for the Chaser Report and make sure you hit the
subscribe button to make sure you get reminded each time we drop an ep and then you can choose to
ignore it. Now we do understand that a lot of people out there are suffering at this time. A lot of people
in the entertainment industry without a job, good high profile people really struggling to pick up work.
So we’d like to thank our production staff here today. To our runner, Cate Blanchett. To our production
assistant, Russell Crowe. And the wonderful catering from George Calombaris and I hope that George
understands why his paycheck didn’t include all the hours he’s worked. It’s my bad, it’s a total mix up
and I’m sure I’ll fix it up next time. Anyway, we’ll leave you with a promo for a very exciting new podcast
that Chaser Studios has been working on for some time. Check it out.

Loud American Man:
I don’t know, I just, I don’t know about this. I thought I used to know and now I don’t know. I have a
whole different approach. I mean it’s really changed my thinking on this.

Loud American Woman:
Yeah, I know what you mean.

Voice Over Guy:
Chaser podcasts presents.

Loud American Man:
So anyway, we’ve got a short show today. It’s just five hours of me telling you all about something and
now let me tell you, I have it all worked out now. I have all the answers on this thing.

Loud American Woman:
That’s so true.

Voice Over Guy:
A talk show, interview, podcast.

Loud American Man:
Now the thing about this thing and you need to understand this. If you really want to understand this
thing…

Loud American Woman:
Of course that’s totally true.

Voice Over Guy:
With a difference.

Loud American Man:
Anyway, now, well, let me get to this thing.

Loud American Woman:
Yeah, get on with it, Pete.

Voice Over Guy:
The only talk show interview podcast that never actually interviews anyone. Loud American who likes
the sound of his voice with a woman who just agrees with him podcast. Out now. Just search for any
podcast and you’ll probably find one that sounds exactly like it.






 

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