Letter: America, We’re breaking up with you.

We are so sorry to do this but you have had one too many chances,

We know you’re trying your best but we’ve been very clear about our concerns and boundaries and with this latest presidential election we just don’t think we can see each other anymore.

We understand your reasons for the choice you made and we know you think that you’re doing the right thing but it feels like you really haven’t listened to us. We told you Trump made us uncomfortable and we were really concerned that he kept ending up in court for fraud, for trying to cheat the courts and he did visit Epstein’s island seven different times! 

We know you work hard to bring a lot to this relationship, we love Netflix and Hollywood and we promise to be really fair during California’s custody hearing. But we can’t keep going like this, no matter how hard it is. Your larger than life outrageous personality has just gotten a bit too much going from ‘loveable’ to ‘terrifying’.

You spy on all of us, you never pay your debts, whenever you have an idea about something you just expect us to go along with it no matter what. It’s always just take, take, take; especially when it comes to oil.

You are constantly trying to force your way in to meddle with other countries’ problems but you never look intrinsically at your own.

We thought we could change you but we were just lying to ourselves because you make it seem like you might be redeemable whenever you want something. It’s such a toxic cycle and you have this self indulgent meltdown every four years. You have more guns than people, that’s really weird!

We’ll miss you, we really will but we don’t like you you’re becoming. The social media tantrums, the school shootings, giving money and weapons to your friends who are doing the wrong thing, and you still haven’t apologised for the last time you elected trump. Whenever we try to call you out on anything you just say it’s a conspiracy against you and it’s “Fake news”. 

Now with Trump it just feels like you hit a point of no return. We get your education system is bad but also it’s clear you just don’t learn.

Goodbye. (Please don’t assassinate us for saying this).

Sincerely,

The Rest of the World 

This was an extract from The Chaser Annual 2024, on sale now!