Ivana Trump found to weigh exactly 15 boxes of classified records at time of burial

Tax deductible tributes are still flowing in for the former US president’s late ex-wife who died at the age of 73 last month. The Trump family are reportedly so bereaved by the loss that they have now extended out the Mar-A-Lago mausoleum for a third time, making extra space to bury Ivana’s beloved collection of filing cabinets and incriminating CCTV tapes.

“It’s what she would have wanted” said a member of Trump’s retinue, shooing away some grieving family members who made it past security. “Who wouldn’t want to be buried in one of the places your ex-husband went to instead of spending time with you, alongside all her favorite bags of shredded government documents.”

“Her wishes were very clear and written on this napkin,” said the former President, wiping tears from his forehead, “she was to be buried specifically in a burial plot on private property that transcends FBI jurisdiction and her ex-husband was definitely the person she wanted to make that happen.”

“She was one of a kind, never to be replaced, in a very specific way that means we can definitely never, ever, ever open that casket,” an emotional Trump told onlookers at the funeral. “She was so smart, so sharp. You might even say as sharp as roughly 30,000 loose sheets of paper. Wait no that’s too obvious, forget I said that.”


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