Global chaos as Instagram outage blocks access to sponsored opinions

Instagram went down overnight, preventing millions of millennials from accessing Selena Gomez’s latest sponsored posts.

“I don’t think I can survive without knowing what Selena has been paid $500,000 to say she’s into,” one frustrated fan Snapchatted. “I’m going to have to go shopping and buy things I like myself. And what’s the point of that?”

“I’m lost,” said one young woman, via the now-unfamiliar means of opening her mouth and speaking rather than sending Instagram DMs. “What if Roxy Jacenko’s daughter releases a new bow and nobody can ‘Like’ it? Will it even have been released at all?

The crisis did have one unexpected benefit, however, stripping Kylie Jenner of her billionaire status, although her fortune quickly returned when the site went back up.

Some speculated that the crisis was caused by everyone logging on to see whether the popular influencer Olivia Jade had commented on the scandal that saw her mother Lori Loughlin being charged for purchasing her place at a university in the now-irrelevant, non-virtual world.

“Why does she even need to go to stupid college? It really cuts into her gramming time,” one follower said. “And she already has a career. Instagram is totes going to be relevant forever.”

Instagram itself was unable to comment on the prolonged outage, as its post apologising for the problem wouldn’t go through, and the company has no other means of communicating.

The outage also affected Facebook, but that didn’t affect anybody at all, as Facebook is soooo 2016 and besides, like, everyone’s mum is on it.

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