Fans of unflattering clothing that you shouldn’t be seen dead in are in mourning today, following news reports that the Crocs Corporation has undergone significant downsizing, following mass resignations from their board. Stating that it was “the end of an era”, the manufacturers of the once “most hated footwear in America” say they have struggled to keep that mantle since the rise of the much more hated ‘hipster toe-shoe’ in 2016.
While the controversial footwear will still be manufactured by third party suppliers, fans of the brand say it just won’t be the same. “Do these knockoff manufacturers know how to get the size of the airholes just right for maximum fugliness?” asked one fan at a headtorch-lit vigil this afternoon. “Will they know to only pick the most garish colours to make the shoes look like they were intended for an oversized Ken-doll? And what about the all important excess space, which makes every shoe look like it was designed to fit Shrek’s feet? Those aren’t things you can just dream up in a boardroom overnight. No, it takes a certain inborn complete lack of style to come up with a product so universally unappealing in every single design choice.”
“Now what are we supposed to do with all these camo-cargo pants, AC/DC t-shirts, and pinstriped K-mart fedoras,” wept another fan, “if we can’t complete the look with a shiny new pair of fluorescent-green crocs? I can’t go back to just wearing socks with sandals anymore! God, that would be so unstylish!”