Donald Trump has today boasted that he has received the highest marks ever in the coronavirus test, beating everyone who has ever been tested before. “Doctors were amazed,” Trump told Fox and Friends today. “They said ‘Wow, Donald, how did you do that!? Nobody’s ever done anything like that before’ and then they gave me a lollypop.”

Asked how exactly he could have received high marks in a positive or negative test with no high score, Trump said that it was his viral load score that was off the charts. “You wouldn’t believe how infectious I am,” announced Trump to a press room moments before it completely emptied of journalists. “They say every time I open my mouth someone somewhere feels like they’re dying.”

However, doctors for the President say that if anything Trump’s results were underwhelming. “Frankly we’d hoped he would have been a lot sicker,” explained one doctor. “At this rate it looks like he’s going to pull through, which is the worst test results we’ve seen all year. We’ve no idea how we’re going to break this news to his friends and family.”